Still Here

Hello All! I hope you all had a joyful Thanksgiving holiday. I know I did...I ate very well:)

I am so sorry that I haven't been blogging much lately. I have been quite busy with work among many other things. I have just ended a week off from school for Thanksgiving break and it was much needed. I truly was exhausted!!!! My first weekend off I went on a girls trip with some girls from work to the beach in Gulf Shores, Alabama. It was a lot of fun. Right outside our condo, there were many, many butterflies. I thought about my sweet angel baby and the angel babies of all of my online friends that have offered me so much support. Here is a shot of one of those butterflies:)

The sight of the butterflies brought such a sense of peace and love to me.

I spent the rest of the week spending time with family and Christmas shopping. I am proud to say that my in-laws are the only people left to buy for. My husband is in charge of that! My husband and I also have to get gifts for each other. We are going to get each other a rocking recliner and video camera. Both baby related items that we will very much enjoy:)

Last month's prenatal visit went very well. Everything is right on track. I have another visit next week and I get an ultrasound this time! I am excited to get the chance to see my sweet girl again:)

I am currently 26 weeks 1 day now. I can't believe how far I've come. I am so thankful for her and I pray that everything continues to move smoothly. I still feel well. I only find that I am more easily exhausted.

I have to honestly say that I have not purchased even one item for our daughter. I thought I would, but I haven't. Many people have given us gifts, but I have not actually bought anything! I think part of me is still a bit paranoid. I am doing better and I love this child so very much, but sometimes doubt creeps up. These moments aren't as frequent as they used to be, but they still show up:( I just want to bring her home in March. I pray that it happens.

Good news is that I only have 3 weeks until I get 2 weeks off for winter break. My time at work will be more broken up now up until it's time for baby.

And now we know....

I had my ultrasound yesterday! We went for the ultrasound before we saw the doctor, and our sweet baby was all curled up and wouldn't show! I must admit I was pretty disappointed:( However, the awesome ultrasound tech said we just had to be patient and to come back after we saw the doctor. So we did, and after some wiggling and pushing, our baby showed us that.....











SHE IS A GIRL!!!!!

I am so thrilled I could just start crying all over again! Everything looked wonderful and I immediately have visions of dressing her up, like she is my very own live doll! Charlotte Leigh is the name we have chosen for our sweet girl! It is so wonderful to call her by name!!!

God is So Good

I just wanted to share with my blog friends how much I feel God is working in my life. First of all, my next doctor's visit and ultrasound are a short 8 days away. I usually feel so much anxiety when a doctor's visit is approaching. I feel so much peace about this appointment. I just feel like everything will be fine. I am so thankful for these peaceful feelings. I hope to also learn the gender of our baby. I initially did NOT want to know the gender, but I gave in to my husband. However, now that there is a date that I can possibly know, time has been really dragging! I really still do not care about what gender the baby is, but it will be so cool to know. I even told my husband in the car yesterday that in two weeks the excitement would be over because we would know the gender of our baby. He laughed and said that was when the fun could truly begin! I just love him to pieces.

I also continue to be in prayer for my parents who have really been struggling financially recently mostly because of the economy. My dad was laid off from his job a little over a year ago. Although he was fortunate enough to find a new job, his pay is probably close to half of what he used to make. They've really been struggling to make ends meet financially. My mom was mostly a stay at home mom when we were growing up, and her job skills are limited. She has been searching for a job, but it has been difficult. She has been cleaning offices a couple of days a week, but she is looking for more. My mom has a great job opportunity presented to her that will require her to input data on a computer. She is VERY nervous about it, and she is afraid she won't be smart enough to do it. Please say a prayer for her. I would love it if this were the job she was able to have. She would be off weekends, and she will have medical benefits. My mom and dad have been without insurance for a long time. They postpone medical check-ups because they are too expensive. Please just pray for her!

I believe this is God's answer to their financial woes! I just see Him working in my life in so many ways! I am continually in wonder!

I'm still here:)

Well, it's been a bit, but I am still here. I am still taking life one day at a time. I wanted to take a minute to share some things I've been feeling. This pregnancy is very different from my first. I was over the moon with joy for my first pregnancy. I was foolish enough to believe that if you got pregnant, then you have a baby nine months later. I am very happy about this pregnancy too, but my heart is somewhat guarded. Sometimes I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting for something bad to happen. I am getting better about the fear, but it still creeps up on me every now and again.


We started telling people at 13 weeks. I still didn't feel ready, but my hubby couldn't stand it anymore. He is just so happy. I really don't want to ruin this for him, so I agreed. I must admit it was pretty fun to tell people. It is cool to see how excited everyone was for us. So many more prayers are now being said for our sweet baby, and I am thankful for that. Anyway, I feel like people believe my heart is healed now. That everything is perfect because we have a baby on the way. Something that is hard for people to understand is that my heart will never be healed. A huge part of my heart will always be gone because my first child is not here. He/She is missing from our lives and NOTHING will change that. It doesn't matter how many children we eventually have....I will always miss my sweet baby. I guess some people don't understand that this never goes away.

I also feel so much guilt. A couple of people have asked if this is our first...and I said yes. It really breaks my heart, but it's so much easier than explaining. Explaining is difficult for me emotionally, and I don't want to get emotional with some people. I hate that my mom and mother in law are each telling people they are expecting their second grandchild. It just isn't true. This is my mom's fourth (counting my loss & my brother's loss) and my mother in law's third. Maybe they don't see it that way, or maybe they just find it easier to not have to explain. I can't fault them for something that I do myself. Everything can just be so confusing.

Please don't think that I am ungrateful for this pregnancy. I am very grateful and I still find it very hard to believe. I just knew this was the one place I could share my feelings.

So, onto happier things. I am officially 15 weeks pregnant. I went to the doctor Tuesday, and everything is still going fine. On most days, I don't feel pregnant at all. This was my first visit without an ultrasound, but I was okay with that because I still got to hear my baby's heartbeat.
The heartbeat was strong with 166 bpm. We go back in 4 weeks and if our little one cooperates we will find out if it is a boy or a girl. I find that to be very exciting. I really thought it would be really fun and exciting to not find out, but my husband REALLY wants to know. So, I am giving in. He said that if there is a next time we can do it my way.

We have even started talking baby names, and I think we have it narrowed down, but I will wait to share those later!

Please keep the prayers coming that everything continues to go smoothly!

2 Years...

Dear Baby Tyler,

If things had worked out for you, you would be 2 years old today. Mommy and Daddy still miss you so much. There will always be a piece of our lives that is missing and it's because you're gone. Even though you left this world so fast, you left very, very loved. I still think of you each and everyday sweet baby. Please watch over us.

Love you forever,
Mommy

My First OB Visit

Yesterday I went to my first OB visit. I must confess...I didn't sleep well the night before. I was very anxious. I am just so terrified this will all disappear in the blink of an eye. I think I've been doing well with pushing scary thoughts out of my head. However, when a doctor's visit is looming, I completely freak out. I think it just reminds me that this is real. I think it reminds me that this could go away at any moment. I didn't say I was right for thinking those things, but I feel them anyway.

My visit went extremely well. Dr. P did an ultrasound to make sure we are progressing. It was amazing. My last ultrasound was at 7w0d and our baby just looked like a dot. This time at 11w1d our baby actually looked like a baby:) Our sweet baby had a strong and steady heartbeat, and was waving that little are at us. I can't remember the exact number of beats per minute because I was just so stinking relieved that our baby was okay. Although I am 11w1d, the baby was measuring 10w5d which is fine because I know I ovulated late. This doesn't concern me at all.

The staff at Dr. P's office was amazing. They really babied me and took good care of me. I was honest and told them I was anxious, and I they were very reassuring. They said that I have the right to feel anxious. It's all part of human nature.

Dr. P decided to keep me on progesterone for 2 more weeks just to be safe. I'm fine with that too!

So, I am so thankful that everything is okay. I had a very good night's sleep last night. I cried all the way to work this morning because I am just so happy and thankful.

God is so good! I am praying that everything continues to go well. Thank you to the few of you that follow this blog. I appreciate your support. For those of you still TTC, please don't give up. Great things are possible....this I know for sure!

The Most Pregnant I've Ever Been....

Today I am 9w1d. I lost my last baby at 9w0d. It's official...I am the most pregnant I've ever been. I am so thankful. I was a bit nervous this weekend but I made it! This morning on the way to work I cried almost the whole way there because I am just so thankful. God is so good.

I am still not really having many symptoms that I am aware of. No morning sickness. However, my food preferences are ever changing. Many days, nothing sounds good. I am loving beef jerky and the hot tamales candy. I don't indulge to often, but I splurge every now and again.

I am also extremely exhausted! I've been working really hard to get my classroom ready for my brand new bunch of first graders. My summer break is officially over. I returned to school today for meetings and the students come tomorrow. I am excited to get started again! I can't wait to meet my new sweethearts!!

I have been thinking about buying a Doppler to hear my sweetie's heartbeat. Most things I've read have said they can't guarantee hearing the heartbeat until 12 weeks. Have any of you had success hearing it before then? I just wanted some suggestions. I am still uncertain if this is something I want to purchase for sure. It would provide me with some reassurance, but I also don't want it to make me even more paranoid than I already am. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Updates Again

Wow! I have so much to tell about what's been going on! On July 4, I decided to take a HPT because AF had still not arrived. Finally, after 2 and a half years we got our BFP. It still seems like a dream. I imagined that moment for so long that it still doesn't seem real now that it has finally happened.

I called my RE office and went in for blood work to check my beta levels and progesterone. Betas looked good but progesterone was a bit low, but they gave me medicine for that. Went back 2 days later for more blood work to make sure my betas were going up like they should, and they were! On Monday, we went for an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine, and it was. There was an itty bitty beanie in there and he/she had a heartbeat of 113. It was really surreal. I was also nervous about the ultrasound because I do not really have any symptoms. No morning sickness, etc. I know it sounds crazy, but I wish I did because it would make me feel better mentally. We were days away from our first ultrasound with our last pregnancy, but we never made it. This is a brand new experience for me. One that I am not taking for granted. I know how quickly this could all end. I am now released to my OB and I have my first appointment with him on Aug. 16.

I am very happy and excited, but the fear and the "what ifs" still creep up on me. Every little twinge of something makes me nervous. I am trying to give it to God. I know His plan for me is perfect. It is what it is...I am just trying to pray and have faith that we will be okay.

I am also thankful that I will still be off of work for most of the first trimester. I will actually work 3-4 weeks and then be in for the second trimester. I truly pray that we will make it this time. I am just so thankful for the chance.

Also, my hubby and I are leaving Sunday for our big vacation. We're heading to Las Vegas, and I am soooo excited.

So, for all of you prayerful people, please pray for a safe trip, a healthy pregnancy, a healthy delivery, and a healthy baby.

Our EDD is March 5, 2012.

Update on my TTC Journey

Let me begin this post by saying that I am still not pregnant. Should be no surprise...I am exactly in the same position that I've been in the last two and a half years.

I contacted my RE's office at the beginning of my new cycle, which was the beginning of June. The nurse said that I can move forward with treatment (ovulation meds) if I wanted to, but the doctor recommended 20 more pounds of weight loss to put me at the BMI that will offer a more optimal chance of pregnancy. Soooo, after some consideration, I have decided to wait. I don't want to spend the amount of money that I will have to spend without optimal chances of pregnancy. I know this is the smart thing to do. However, the impatient part of me that feels like I've waited FOREVER (actually just 2 and a half years) wants it NOW. I am trying to have faith, but I am feeling a little beat down.

I still feel the shame. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to become overweight. Part of me feels like it doesn't matter how hard I try I keep getting denied. I've lost 27 pounds, but it still isn't good enough. On the other hand, I understand why. I just pray that I find the strength and self control to drop more pounds. At least now I have a number of pounds to reach. I have a goal to work toward. I was never given a number before, which was probably for the best because telling me to lose 50 pounds would have felt unreachable for me. Now that I've dropped 27, I have the confidence to lose 20 more. I KNOW I can do it, but it's so darn hard.

I am not completely discouraged though. I can't explain it, but my prayer for peace has been answered. I am not nearly as upset or disappointed as I would have thought I'd been. I am so thankful for that. It's very much what I need.

Another tad bit of encouragement....the RE also wants me to do OPK tests. I agreed, but was skeptical because the only time I've ever gotten a positive OPK was when I was taking Clomid. I use the digital OPK because sometimes I have a difficult time telling if there are 2 lines or not on the other kind. That makes me feel like a complete idiot!! Anyway, on CD 20 I got my first ever happy face all by myself. This may have occurred previously, but I haven't tested in awhile because of my frustration with everything. I felt that I just needed a break. So, I am encouraged by the smiley face. Maybe the weight loss is beginning to help my body do what it's supposed to. I am hopeful of that anyway. My hubby was as excited about the smiley face as I was. He even was so bold as to say maybe this will be our month. I told him that was a great thought, but I couldn't really let myself get my hopes up about it. The disappointment just intensifies when I do that. He understood, gave me a hug and said that he will still love me either way. He's pretty awesome:)

Back to the weight loss...I am at a plateau. I can't seem to drop anything lately. I must confess my diet hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been awful either. I've increased my exercise time. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I do Active 2 workout on the Wii. Beleive me, this is not sissy stuff. I also use my couch to 5K ap on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I have made it to week 4. The rain prevented me for doing as many days as I needed to this week, and I don't currently own a treadmill. On Wednesday and Sunday I let my body rest.

If anyone can offer and advice, encouragement, or help with my weight struggle, please let me know. I would appreciate anything!

So, I still feel I am moving forward, even though it isn't as quickly as I wish it would be. I am down at the moment, but not out. I also have a lot going on in my life that is not fertility related, but I will save that for another post. I can't wait to share some of the other aspects of my life!

Mothers Day and Other Updates

I am very pleased to inform you all that I survived my cousin's wedding and Mother's Day. Neither were as difficult as I thought they would be. Praise God!

The wedding was fine and I actually had a good time. I got to catch up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in quite awhile. The only thing missing was my hubby:)

I did skip church on Mother's Day. I just couldn't do it. It was too painful. I slept out of town the night of the wedding, and my husband had a couple of surprises for me when I got home. The entire house was clean from top to bottom. He had some roses for me in a vase on our kitchen table. He had a card from our animals (including paw stickers). I also had a gift certificate for a massage at a local spa. I was so touched. It turned out to be a peaceful Mother's Day. The only thing missing was our baby. My husband did such a good job of taking a day that I was dreading and turning it into something completely different. I really do love him so very much.

On a different note, please keep the people of South Louisiana in your prayers as there will be flooding this week. The town my mom and dad live in is in danger of high water. We spent the day getting things straight at her house. Sandbagging is exhausting!! I am worried about all of these people and animals.

Thanks!!

Spring Break

Whew! Well, this is it! My spring break is officially over. Tomorrow morning I will have to wake up early and return to work, and I CAN'T WAIT! I really missed my students and I can't wait to be greeted by 21 sleepy faces tomorrow morning. It will take them a few days to get used to waking up early(just like me). I had a nice break. It started out difficult, but it got better. I completed everything I wanted to get done.

Good Friday and Easter were just as difficult as I anticipated. Everything was about baby and pregnancy because most of my cousins either have kids or are pregnant. It made me so sad. However, I survived. I went through the motions and I survived. That's all I really have to say about it.

On Wednesday, I met with the preacher from the church I grew up going to. I was nervous talking to him, but I knew he would be understanding. He and his wife have suffered multiple losses and a failed adoption. I felt better after speaking with him because he reassured me that I am NORMAL. Even though I feel so insane sometimes, I am NORMAL. It was nice to have some reassurance.

I have a wedding that I have to go to this weekend without my husband because he has to stay in town for work, and the wedding is out of town. Pre-miscarriage this would have never been a problem. Post-miscarriage, I really depend on him to be there for me. I hate going to social functions without him. Sometimes I just need to lean on him. I am not looking forward to it:( Because the wedding is out of town, I am going to stay the night. My parents and sister are staying too. I think I've decided that I am not going to church on Sunday. Going to church on Mother's Day will be just too hard for me (especially without my husband). I hope God forgives me.

AF will be arriving any day now. I can feel it. Just ready for it to come and get it over with. I think I've decided for sure to wait one more cycle before calling my RE to get started on another ovulation medication. It will be so much easier for me to go in for ultrasounds and stuff in June when I will not be working. Because of where my RE is located I would have to leave work early or come in late to get the ultrasounds done. I'd rather not have anyone notice that. I don't want any expectations. It will also give me some more time to drop a few more pounds. I've stalled the last few weeks and I ate everything in sight this last week while I was off. Any comments or suggestions about me waiting until June would be greatly appreciated. I am always second guessing myself.

I really am excited to head back to work tomorrow. Only four more weeks until summer!

Meltdowns and Masterpieces

Well, the last week or so has been a bit of a roller coaster. I've had a series of meltdowns, and it really, really sucks. I think the series of meltdowns was triggered by my visit to my gynecologist's office for my yearly visit. It is so dang hard to go there. It has been the sight of one of my most exciting days, and probably the most nightmarish, heartbreaking day of my life. It is so hard to remember the good...being pregnant. The bad haunts me...my miscarriage. I really had a meltdown when the nurse put me in the same room that I was in when I waited for him to confirm my miscarriage. Looking at that painting on the wall made me sick. It was so hard. It brought so much back to me. So much pain. I cried most of the way home. To be honest, I've had a hard time getting myself out of this rut.

I've been extremely emotional and the emotion I've been feeling most is sad. I have been so busy, and it is hard. I went to my pregnant cousin's wedding shower. Of course it turned into a shower in which everyone talked about her baby. I went to another cousin's wedding shower(not pregnant) in which my pregnant cousin sat near my mom and I and talked about nothing but baby stuff the entire time. I am really disappointed in my cousin because she lost a baby last year early on in her pregnancy. She knows how much it hurts. She would call me crying and upset about the exact same things she's doing now:( She has so easily moved on and forgotten what it's like to be in this place of hurt. She got pregnant her very first try after her fiancee returned home. I guess she just doesn't understand what it's like to try, try, and try only to fail. Failing again and again and again. Now I feel that she just rubs her pregnancy in my infertile face. I know I am probably just overly sensitive. I've endured even more pregnancy announcements. Tomorrow my sister in law and my cousin will be finding out the sex of their babies. It's also my grandmother's birthday(the grandmother that passed away 8 days before my wedding). Tomorrow isn't even here yet, and I already feel anxiety and hurt about what is to come. Does it ever end? Good Friday is a big family gathering that my family always has. There will be many pregnant bellies and babies. I am very much dreading it.

Mother's Day is also quickly approaching. I DESPISE Mother's Day. That day is so hurtful to me (as well as the guilt I feel on Father's Day that my husband is not a father to an earthly child). This day is soooooooo hard. I hate it. If I ever do have a child of my own that stays on this earth for me to love and take care of, I don't know if I will ever view Mother's Day the same way again. I don't know if that is a holiday I can celebrate because it's brought me so much pain. This will be my third Mother's Day since my miscarriage. The pain still feels so raw.

Now, on to some positive(ish) things I've been doing to keep myself busy. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a Lady Gaga concert. First of all, let me say that I find her music to be catchy and dance worthy. That being said, she kind of scares the crap out of me. I agreed to go with a friend who very badly wanted to go. I was totally blown away at her performance. That girl can sing!!! Her show was very theatrical and VERY entertaining. I had a blast with my friend.

On Sunday afternoon, I attended a "Margaritas and Masterpieces" party at a co-worker's house. I didn't enjoy margaritas, but I did attempt to create a "masterpiece". It was fun if nothing else.

On another note, after Thursday, I will be off of work until Monday, May 2. I am looking forward to a mental break from my precious students. Spring break is late this year, and I need to get recharged to complete the month of May. I am hoping good, positive days are coming soon. I need some good.

Here is my first attempt at painting...Remember it was my first try!!!

Inspiring and Refreshing Weekend

I had an GREAT weekend. I also had an extended weekend because I took the day off on Friday. My sister invited me to go with her to a Joyce Meyer conference in Baton Rouge. So, my sister and I were part of a group of family and friends (7 women total plus my co-worker and her sister met up with us on Saturday) that loaded up and headed to Baton Rouge on Friday. I LEARNED so much and I can't wait to share the things I realized about myself and about my life. Let me begin by saying that I have never heard of Joyce Meyer before. It was not until she came out on stage that I realized that I had seen her on TV before, but I can honestly say I had never really watched her. I just noticed her while flipping through the channels.

We went to the conference on Friday night and Saturday morning. We had to get there early, and we were able to get great seats. Most importantly, I really feel that several things Joyce Meyer discussed were speaking directly to me and my life.

One thing she said was that you must do what's right for the rest of your life because it's the right thing to do. Even if your heart isn't in it. Even if you don't feel like it. Do it especially if you don't feel like it...because it's the right thing to do. There are so many things I don't feel like doing. I have mentioned before that I often times dread family functions. I have 2 bridal showers quickly approaching. I really don't feel like going. But I know that going is the right thing to do. I think I attempted to smooth over some broken edges in my life last week, but I will save that information for another post:) Stay tuned for that. Anyway, I realized that doing somethings aren't going to be fun for me, but the right thing to do is to celebrate the family that I have. They really are well meaning, even if I don't feel that way sometimes. I am really blessed to have family in my life.

Joyce Meyer said "Complain & Remain" or "Praise and Be Raised". In retrospect I do complain way too much. I need to praise God and trust in Him to see the changes in myself. Complaining and self-pity are not going to get me anywhere. Complaining is not going to take away the miscarriage or my desire to have children. Complaining is not going to give me children. Complaining just keeps me discouraged and unhappy. As long as I praise God, He will give me the love and peace that I need to stay faithful and hopeful.

Joyce Meyer also said that God likes variety because we are all so different. We all need to do a better job of NOT judging others. I think I judge others without even realizing it. I have to remember that God wants me to respect ALL people. Joyce Meyer said that we should remember that we are as good as everybody else, but not better than everybody else. So many times I feel that I am more deserving of a baby than some of the others I have seen. I have to remember that I am not better than anyone.

She also talked about bargaining with God. For example, if God just does one thing for me then I will never do something else again. She said what we need to tell God is that I will definitely do it again if You don't help me! I have to remember to ask for help when I need it! There are too many times I believe I can do it on my own.

Another thing she said that really tugged at my heart is that we become so selfish. I pray for my needs and desires. I worry about how people make me feel. I need to open my heart and mind to God. I need to spend more time praying for the needs of others, and less time focusing on myself.


And finally, the one thing that I feel was most important for me to hear...Some people spend so much time grieving that they take on a grieving spirit. I feel that this describes me. We are allowed time to grieve. Back in days long ago, it was 30 days and then people had to get back to the land of the living. I have been grieving for 26 long heartbreaking months. I have been grieving for so long that I have not been living. I have lost touch with many people that I was once close to. Mostly because I haven't been able to live. I have been consumed with grief. I need to take baby steps back into the land of the living.

So--there is a summary of what I have learned this weekend. I have an uplifted heart and I feel hope for the future. I BELIEVE my husband and I will have children. I believe this with all my heart. I feel positive and revived. I feel inspired and closer to Christ. I know that I am not going to feel this way everyday. I know that it is going to take more time for me to get to an even better place. I know I will still have days when I am sad and disappointed. I am going to try very hard to handle it differently.

Since I really didn't even know who Joyce Meyer was until this weekend, I have never read any of her books. I am thinking of reading Battlefield of the Mind. Anyone read it before? Any other suggestions for good reading? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!! I hope you all had great weekends as well!!

How has miscarriage & infertility changed me?

This is post that I've had rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now. I was looking at our wedding & honeymoon pictures, and I thought about how different I was then. I realized that although our wedding & honeymoon were about 2 and a half years ago, I have changed so much. Almost all of those changes have come from my experiences with my miscarriage and infertility. Now keep in mind that these changes are about ME. I can speak for no one else. This is just how I feel I have changed during this time. Many of the changes are not for the best, but some of them are.

Let me start with the negative, so that I can end on a positive note.

I am no longer the innocent happy-go-lucky girl from that happy time. I am no longer that girl who believes that when you get pregnant you get to have a baby 9 months later. I am no longer the girl who finds it easy to feel hopeful for the future. Hope and happiness are things that I have to work hard and pray for. Both were things that used to be so easy for me.

Jealousy, anger, and bitterness were never, ever a big part of my personality. Now I find it difficult NOT to feel one of these things. I am jealous of those who are so easily handed the gift I long for. I am angry that it is so easy for them, and it makes me VERY bitter to feel this way.

I used to feel such joy and peace when seeing pregnant bellies and small children. I would just picture what it would be like when it was my turn. Now it just breaks my heart. It reminds me of all of what could have been, all that I've lost, and all that I might not ever have.

I used to be a social butterfly. I loved to go places with different friends. I used to enjoy every one's company. Now I find it a big chore to mingle with others. Talk always turns to children and pregnancy. It is just too hard to deal with sometimes. I am finding it easier to stay home and immerse myself with the online community of friends who do understand. I find it easier to immerse myself in books and movies because it is easier to pretend than to deal with my reality.

I used to look forward to holidays because it is the few times a year I get to spend time with my extended family(aunts, uncles, cousins, etc,). Now I dread it. I spend weeks dreading it. Being around my extended family makes me sad. It makes me feel like a failure. It reminds me so very much of all that I've lost and all that I long to have. Many of my cousins, all younger than I are painful reminders of this.

I question my self-worth. Am I worthy enough to even deserve a chance to be a mother? Have I done enough to deserve such an amazing gift? What have I done to deserve such heart ache and loss? What can I do to make it right? How much more will this hurt? When will it be enough?

Now, on to more positive changes.

My husband and I are stronger than we ever anticipated. Through every frustration and failure, we have survived. Our relationship is stronger than ever. He has been more supportive and understanding than I deserve. In times of anger and frustration, it is so easy to lash out at the one who is there the most. Every breakdown I've had, he has endured and supported. He is so much more than I ever deserved. Life would be unbearable without him.

I am drawn closer to God. Even in my worst fits of anger, even when it's directed at Him, He loves me and forgives me. His mercy and love never cease to amaze me. Even when I feel that He is against me, I know deep down that He is there to comfort me. I find deeper meaning in His Word, and I try very hard to put His commands to use each and every day. I know that I can do more, and He forgives me when I fall short.

I learned what true friends are, and who they are. I lost some friends. Friends who got pregnant, friends who had babies, friends who find it easier to remain close to those who are able to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. I know that some friends do not want to hurt me. However, them abandoning me when I needed them most is what hurt most of all. I was doing my best to deal with the rest. Anyway, there are a few who have stuck by me. No matter what. My mom, dad, sister, and brother have stuck by me no matter what. Two particular friends who may not understand my journey have done their absolute best to make me feel loved and supported. Their loyalty and support have meant more to me than words can even begin to express.

Because of my own emotional struggles, I have learned to be more patient and understanding with others. My struggles have made me more compassionate. Sometimes people just need an ear to listen. Sometimes the words that others believe are helpful are really quite hurtful. Sometimes it's best to just be quiet and listen. Offering others an ear is all that is needed sometimes.

I am incredibly thankful to technology and the world of the Internet. I have found people who truly understand my thoughts and feelings. The do not judge me for it. They just understand it. The blogging community is the single most reason I don't feel totally alone. I've gained so much support and guidance from the amazing people who blog. Thank you to everyone who reads my blog and offers me support. Without it I would feel totally alone.

Well, there it is. A rather lengthy post, but it tells what's been rolling around in my head for awhile now. Remember that this is only a reflection of what I feel.

Doing Better Than Expected

Well, I find myself in the same position once again. AF arrived with a vengeance on Thursday morning. Usually I go into a bit of a slump the first few days (or weeks) after AF arrives. However, I am doing well this round. I knew not to expect too much this round because my body did nothing it was supposed to. Temps were all over the place. If I had to guess, I would say that I didn't even ovulate this month. Doesn't take a genius to know that you can't get pregnant if you don't ovulate. Anyhow, I am really okay. I didn't have much hope for this cycle, so the failure doesn't sting.

I had another great weekend. The hubby and I spent Saturday a motorcycle stunt show thing. There is a fancy word for it, but I can't think of the word right now. I found it to be a little nerve wracking, but entertaining. It was just nice to be out as a couple. Lately I've been busy doing things with others. We got the house cleaned up yesterday. I watched the Oscars last night, and I stayed up way later than what I should. Tonight I'm exhausted and looking forward to heading to bed early.

Pretty boring post, but all in all I am feeling good and doing well. The dieting and exercising is still progressing slowly but surely.

I am really looking forward to this Friday because I only have a 2 day work week next week. Thank God Louisiana celebrates Mardi Gras!

A Great Weekend...

I had a pretty great weekend. I am reminded that despite my struggles, my disappointment, and my frustration--I still have a life to live. I feel like sometimes I become so consumed with TTC and grieving for the loss that I am missing out on life.

I had a really great weekend. Friday night I went to bed early(as a first grade teacher I am super-exhausted on Friday nights and it is nearly impossible for me to stay up past 9). Saturday night my friend S and I (who not only worked together in college, but also shared an apartment with) went to a Brad Paisley concert. We had so much fun. Just us two girls. It was so nice to get out and have fun. I didn't get home until 2!!! I can't even begin to tell you the last time I stayed out so late!

The hubby and I also discussed other plans. Because our insurance covers no IF costs, our finances are more strained. It is really quite frustrating. However, my hubby and I decided that we are going to plan to go on a cruise for our anniversary in November. It is still a long time away, so we will have something to look forward to. I think what we concluded is that this is a very stressful and difficult time in our lives. Come what may, we don't want to look back years from now and not have any or few positive memories. Life is happening all around us, and I don't feel like we are a part of it anymore.

So, this is it for now. We are trying to get back in the game of Life. Wish us luck!

Freezing Over Here!

Hello all! It is so cold here in South Louisiana. I did not have to work yesterday or today because of the potential of icy roads. We southern folks aren't used to driving on ice:) So, I have been home catching up on the DVR and watching TV. During football season, I don't have time to catch up on the weekends.

I find myself in a much, much better place. I do feel HOPE. I pray for the blessings I long to have. All I can do is pray.

The weight loss journey is still going well. Each week I have a loss. Some weeks a bigger loss than others, but I'll take it! I feel like I might be in control of at least one aspect of my life:)

I just feel better. I feel more at peace. I am so thankful to God for that. I appreciate all of your kind thoughts and words. It helps me more than you know.

My friend whose baby shower I helped with was enduced last night. I haven't heard any news yet today. She is having her baby right around the corner from my house. I don't know yet if I will be able to go to the hospital and visit. I haven't held a newborn since my loss, and I don't know if I'll be able to. I am not going to force it. I may wait a bit and go visit when they are at home. Then if I have a breakdown, maybe there won't be as many people there to witness it:)

I pray that you are all doing well and keeping warm in this insane weather.

A little bit of this and that...

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement over the last few weeks. You all were there for me when I needed it most. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you!

I am finding myself in a somewhat better place these days. I have been able to bring myself to go to church these last 2 weeks or so. I don't think I can honestly say that I am full of hope, but I think I am better(at times) than I was before. Sometimes it comes back to smack me in the face, but I am really trying hard to be better.

Since Christmas I have endured a total of 5 pregnancy announcements. It hurts so much. The most recent one was my cousin on Thursday. I cried a lot about that one. She asked my mom to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. Guess what? It doesn't matter who tells me...it still hurts. It makes me feel like such a horrible person. What kind of person finds it difficult to share in the excitement of a new life being added to this Earth? A really bad person like me, that's who! I really cried a lot when my mom told me. I didn't want to show that much emotion. She thinks I need to talk to someone else. The pastor at the church I went to as a child(he's newer to the church, so I don't know him very well) said that he would speak with me. He and his wife have suffered several miscarriages as well as a failed adoption. I just don't know if I will be brave enough to make that call. I also don't feel comfortable talking about my one miscarriage and struggle to have another when he and his wife have endured so much more. Not sure if I am going to make that move, but I will consider it.

It really bothers me that so many others much younger than myself are getting pregnant so easily. I feel like my life is so stuck. Everyone is moving forward, but I am stuck. Will I ever move forward? I just don't know.

I made it through my friend's baby shower. It turned out not to be as awful as I expected because I was busy helping to decorate, putting presents away, fixing my friend a plate of food, cleaning up and picking up all of the stuff. It really helped to keep me busy. My hands were busy and my mind was busy with the task at hand, so I didn't have time to really let it all get to me. I did and said all the right things with a smile so nobody would know how broken my heart is. I cried and had a lot of anxiety leading up to the shower, but I was so relieved when it was over that relief was all that I felt. My hubby took me out on a date night after the shower because he thought I would need it, and he was right! It was so nice to get out and spend time with him. While we were out to dinner, my friend sent me a text that read "Thanks for everything today! I know that it's a hard situation for you to be in and you have no idea how much I love and appreciate u:)" The guilt again kicked in. What kind of person can't be there to support a friend during one of the most incredible moments of their life? A really bad person like me, that's who!

I also made it through baby Tyler's second angelversary on Jan. 18. I thought this day would be especially hard, but I felt so much peace and love on this day. I just know my sweet baby was with me:)

This post is turning out to be a fairly long one, but I wanted to give an update of my TTC journey. I had the dye test done, and my tubes are very much open. Now I have a confession to make. I am overweight. I've struggled with my weight since my senior year of high school. I was overweight when I got pregnant, and the doctor assured me that my weight had nothing to do with my miscarriage. Therefore, before we try any more ovulation inducing drugs, my doctor wants me to focus on diet and exercise for 3 months. My blood sugar levels are slightly elevated, so I also started Metformin earlier this month. So the plan for 3 months is diet, exercise, and Metformin. I am really ashamed to admit to this because I am so embarrassed about my weight. But I am trying to do better. Since August I've lost 22 pounds. Most recently(since Christmas) I've lost 10 pounds. Sometimes I feel like I am my own worst enemy. Maybe my fertility problems were created by myself. I just don't know. But I do know one thing. I can't control whether or not I conceive a baby. I can pray and try. I CAN control what I eat, how much I eat, and how much I exercise. So for now I am going to focus on the very few things that I feel like I DO have control over.

I hope that everyone else is well! Lots of love to you all!

2 Years Ago...

Dear Sweet Baby Tyler,

2 years ago you left Mommy and Daddy to go and be with Jesus. Oh, how we miss you so! Our love for you is so strong. There is not one day that I wake up and do not think of you or what your life meant. I am going to work harder to be a better Christian so we can meet in heaven one day. I wish you were here with us still, but that was not God's plan for your soul. He needed you with him. I still dream of you. Please help Daddy and I to find peace in our hearts.

Love,
Mommy

Updates

It's been awhile since I took time out of my life to blog. Besides being very busy, I haven't been in a good place emotionally. I don't want this blog to just be negative all of the time, but when I'm feeling down is when I feel drawn to write. So, here we go...

On Dec. 13 I had my long awaited appointment with the RE. This appointment was fine. I had bloodwork done last week, and I am scheduled for an HSG(dye test to see if my tubes are open) on Tuesday. I am feeling a bit anxious about this, as the unknown is scary. I am also nervous because they were supposed to call in an antibiotic for me to begin taking the day before the procedure(tomorrow), but the prescription is not at the pharmacy. The doctor's office is closed tomorrow in observance of New Year. I am praying this does not delay the procedure. I am off of work until Friday,and I really don't want to take a day off of work for this. I am just ready to get this show on the road. I don't know if I can take anymore delays. But on the other hand, I've been waiting 2 years, so what's a little longer. Grrrr....lots of frustration.

On another note, I am feeling pretty low....lower than I've felt in a very long time. So low that I'm scared. Christmas was very difficult for me, which is no surprise. Three of my cousins made pregnancy announcements, one of which is due on my due date. This really hurt. That day was for my baby:( I wished it would have stayed for my baby and my baby alone. Also 2 out of the 3 cousins who so proudly announced their pregnancies were also smoking!!!! I was furious!!! Needless to say I went home early in a pool of tears. I just find them to be so ungrateful for the amazing gift they've been given. It really made me sick.

Then something happened that kind of made me snap. My husband called me Wednesday on his way home to tell me that he just got off the phone with his sister,and she told him that she is pregnant. This is the news that really pushed me over the edge and I am now living in a deep pool of lonliness and sadness. My sister in law is my husband's only sibling. She is 22 years old and does not even have a boyfriend. So needless to say, this pregnancy announcement was in no way expected. I feel so much anger. I feel anger at her for allowing this to happen. I take it very personally everytime someone pops up pregnant. I feel angry with God for allowing so many around me to so easily receive what I so desperately desire. I went to church today and I didn't pray. I really regretted going. I feel abandoned by God. Noone in my family understands how I feel. My heart is just broken. AGAIN. I keep thinking that I will wake up and this will all have been a dream.

I have so much coming up that is so difficult for me. A friend is having a baby shower in 2 weeks. Did I happen to mention that her mom asked me to help with decorations and games? This friend has been avoiding me since her pregnancy began because she doesn't want to hurt me. And I am ashamed to admit it, but it does hurt me to see her. I miss my baby so much and I long to have another. My Angelversary is quickly approaching on January 18. 2 whole years since my sweet baby has gone to heaven. My heart is still so broken.

I am in a very low place. I feel so alone with so much anger and resentment. I am sad and I've cried for days. My faith is shaken, but not yet broken. Please say a prayer for me, as I am not even sure I am able to pray for myself. I also feel ashamed of the emotions I feel because I know that it makes me a bad person. I don't want to be an angry, resentful, bad person. I don't want my broken heart to last forever. I don't want to hurt anymore. I wish I could say I felt all this hope for the new year, but I don't. I don't think anything will change. It's all so awful.

Please leave me words of encouragement,as I need them very much.