Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Meltdowns and Masterpieces

Well, the last week or so has been a bit of a roller coaster. I've had a series of meltdowns, and it really, really sucks. I think the series of meltdowns was triggered by my visit to my gynecologist's office for my yearly visit. It is so dang hard to go there. It has been the sight of one of my most exciting days, and probably the most nightmarish, heartbreaking day of my life. It is so hard to remember the good...being pregnant. The bad haunts me...my miscarriage. I really had a meltdown when the nurse put me in the same room that I was in when I waited for him to confirm my miscarriage. Looking at that painting on the wall made me sick. It was so hard. It brought so much back to me. So much pain. I cried most of the way home. To be honest, I've had a hard time getting myself out of this rut.

I've been extremely emotional and the emotion I've been feeling most is sad. I have been so busy, and it is hard. I went to my pregnant cousin's wedding shower. Of course it turned into a shower in which everyone talked about her baby. I went to another cousin's wedding shower(not pregnant) in which my pregnant cousin sat near my mom and I and talked about nothing but baby stuff the entire time. I am really disappointed in my cousin because she lost a baby last year early on in her pregnancy. She knows how much it hurts. She would call me crying and upset about the exact same things she's doing now:( She has so easily moved on and forgotten what it's like to be in this place of hurt. She got pregnant her very first try after her fiancee returned home. I guess she just doesn't understand what it's like to try, try, and try only to fail. Failing again and again and again. Now I feel that she just rubs her pregnancy in my infertile face. I know I am probably just overly sensitive. I've endured even more pregnancy announcements. Tomorrow my sister in law and my cousin will be finding out the sex of their babies. It's also my grandmother's birthday(the grandmother that passed away 8 days before my wedding). Tomorrow isn't even here yet, and I already feel anxiety and hurt about what is to come. Does it ever end? Good Friday is a big family gathering that my family always has. There will be many pregnant bellies and babies. I am very much dreading it.

Mother's Day is also quickly approaching. I DESPISE Mother's Day. That day is so hurtful to me (as well as the guilt I feel on Father's Day that my husband is not a father to an earthly child). This day is soooooooo hard. I hate it. If I ever do have a child of my own that stays on this earth for me to love and take care of, I don't know if I will ever view Mother's Day the same way again. I don't know if that is a holiday I can celebrate because it's brought me so much pain. This will be my third Mother's Day since my miscarriage. The pain still feels so raw.

Now, on to some positive(ish) things I've been doing to keep myself busy. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a Lady Gaga concert. First of all, let me say that I find her music to be catchy and dance worthy. That being said, she kind of scares the crap out of me. I agreed to go with a friend who very badly wanted to go. I was totally blown away at her performance. That girl can sing!!! Her show was very theatrical and VERY entertaining. I had a blast with my friend.

On Sunday afternoon, I attended a "Margaritas and Masterpieces" party at a co-worker's house. I didn't enjoy margaritas, but I did attempt to create a "masterpiece". It was fun if nothing else.

On another note, after Thursday, I will be off of work until Monday, May 2. I am looking forward to a mental break from my precious students. Spring break is late this year, and I need to get recharged to complete the month of May. I am hoping good, positive days are coming soon. I need some good.

Here is my first attempt at painting...Remember it was my first try!!!