Friday, August 24, 2012

3 years & counting

Today makes 3 years that baby Tyler was due.  No birthday cake, no party, no presents.  It never goes away and it never gets easier.  We will celebrate the life that was gone way to soon.  We will reflect on what that life means to us.  We will remind ourselves of all the ways your short little life changed us and made us who we are today.  One thing remains...we miss you.  We love you.  Today we honor you and remember you sweet baby. Watch over us.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Today is my Birthday

Today is my birthday!  I thought last year's birthday would be my best birthday ever!  One year ago today, I was 7 weeks pregnant & I had my very first ultrasound at my RE's office.  I was terrified and excited.  My husband got to come with me.  I remember that our appointment was in the morning because we had a birthday/celebration lunch afterwards.  It was a glorious day!  I got to hear that beautiful sound that I longed to hear for such a long baby's heartbeat!  I was overwhelmed with joy, but also still nagged by fear.  Here is the picture of the tiny dot that brought me so much joy a year ago.

Just a tiny little dot that the arrow is pointing to.  So much hope from a tiny little dot.  With a lot of prayer and a roller coaster of emotions, that tiny dot grew into the sweet girl that I obsess over everyday.  I thought last year was my best birthday ever.  I even told my husband that nothing could top it!  I was wrong!  This year I feel just as much joy, if not more.  This year I have this present to love on!
This is the best birthday ever!  I get to spend it with the best little girl in the world.  She is the most important person in my life.  I just can't get enough of her!  What a difference a year can make!  My baby went from a tiny heart beating dot to the big ball of laughs that she is now.  I am so thankful!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Where is the time going?

Sweet Charlotte is now over 4 months old!  She is growing so quickly.  We went for her four month check up yesterday.  Baby girl is now 14 pounds and 11 ounces and 24.75 inches long.  Where did my tiny little baby go?  Time is going by so quickly! 

Tomorrow will  mark one year ago that we finally got the BFP we'd been praying and not so patiently waiting for!  What a difference a year can make!  I felt so much excitement and fear.  I prayed and prayed that this baby would make it, and she did!  I am so thankful for my rainbow baby.  I will never understand why some babies don't make it.  I can just be thankful for what I now have and continue to miss what I've lost.  I still miss baby Tyler very much. 

I am having a bit of anxiety about returning to work.  Charlotte's first day with our babysitter is this Monday.  She will go 2-3 times a week until August.  I am just going to miss her so very much.  My heart is broken and torn.   I keep telling myself that I need to be thankful for all of the time that I've had with her.  Many people don't get that much time off.  However, I am also excited about the upcoming school year.  I really LOVE teaching, and I have missed that also.  It's so hard, but everything will be fine.  I am sure as time goes on it will get easier to leave her.  I know she will be very well taken care of.  That is not a worry for me.  I am just going to miss her.  I am also thankful to have a job that will allow me to have more time with her than many other occupations.  I will have weekends, holidays, and summers.  My heart is just so torn.

I continue to be in a good place.  Charlotte brings so much more to my life than I've ever imagined.  Every little thing she does amazes me and entertains me!  Her little cheeks are quite full now, and I just can't kiss them enough! 

Friday, June 1, 2012

A little over 3 months

My sweet Charlotte is already a little over 3 months old (14 weeks and 1 day to be exact).   She is growing way too quickly for me!  I am just loving my time with her.  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!  She is more alert now.  She gives me her heart melting smile very often.  She babbles and "talks" to me.  She never ceases to amaze me. 

I celebrated my first Mother's Day with an earthly baby.  I have so many mixed emotions about Mother's Day.  It was a day that I despised for 3 years after the loss of my angel.  It was a hurtful, painful, miserable day.  I dreaded it and hated it.  This year was better.  However, I still find that I have a difficult time celebrating this day.  This year people acknowledged that I am a mother.  However, I was a mother from the moment my first baby was conceived.  I only carried that sweet angel for 9 weeks, but I was a mother then.  I continue to be a mother now.  The biggest difference is that I have a live baby to hold and cuddle and love.  I think I also still have a hard time celebrating because all of the pain that I felt these last 3 years on Mother's Day is still pain that many infertile and BLMs feel.  It is not joyful for all.  However, I am eternally grateful that I got to hold my baby girl on this day.  I am so thankful for the joy she brings to my life.  I just still struggle to come to terms with this holiday.  I know the same could be said for other holidays, but this one is THE ONE that I had the most pain about. 

Tragedy also touched the lives of one of my husband's former classmates and his wife.  This couple also goes to church with us.  Their 4 month old baby boy passed away last week.  I am not completely sure why.  I know he was being treated for RSV, but not positive what his cause of death was.  He passed away during the late morning while he was at his baby sitter's house.  My heart is just broken for this family.  I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through.  Please keep them in your prayers.  Their loss makes me hug my baby even tighter and kiss her even more.  It is also terrifying because he was older than my sweet girl.  You just never really know what can happen at any moment.  I don't think I will ever understand why such horrible things happen in this world.  It just doesn't seem right or fair. 

I continue to appreciate and love my time with my sweet girl.  I will be returning to work in August.  I found a sitter that I really love!  We are going to stop by and visit with her a few times in the month of June.  In July, she is going to keep Charlotte 2-3 times a week while I work in my classroom and go to trainings.  Then Charlotte will go everyday once school starts.  I am really going to miss my precious time with her, but I have to work.  It's not an option.  We depend on both incomes to survive.  I also really love my job, and I have missed it.  I wish I could just bring her to school with me!  Then I could have the best of both worlds!  However, this is not an would never get done! 

I feel that I am in a good place and doing well.  I think I sometimes get sad when I think about how quickly she is growing.  I also try to prepare myself for the fact that this might be my only chance to watch a baby grow.  It was so difficult to get pregnant for her.  I have to face the reality that she might be my only one.  I can accept that and make peace with it.  I was not able to accept have no earthly children.  I was still years away from making peace or accepting that.  Thank God I didn't have to.  I can make peace with having one child even though I would love to have 2 at some point in time.  I will never take for granted how fortunate I am to have one healthy, earthly baby!  I am just going to take everything one day at a time and appreciate all that we have.

I'm sorry if this post is kind of all over the place.  I just wanted to get out some stuff that's been rolling through my head:)

Monday, April 16, 2012

A little over 7 weeks

I can't believe my baby girl will be 8 weeks old on Thursday.  Time has gone by so quickly and slowly all at the same time.  It may not make much sense, but it seems quick because she is growing so fast.  It seems slow because it is hard for me to remember what my life was like without her.

We are doing well.  We've had our ups and downs, but everyday gets better.  One of my biggest disappointments was breastfeeding.  I was only able to breastfeed for 4 weeks.  I was able to pump a little until she was 5 weeks old, but I had to supplement with formula.  I just wasn't producing enough milk.  My poor baby was starving and losing weight.  After she was being fed enough, she was a much happier baby.  I cried for days when I had to stop breastfeeding.  I cried every time I gave my daughter a bottle filled with formula.  I read so many things about how good it is for babies to be breastfed.  I was heartbroken that my body failed in another way.   The pediatrician really made me feel better and gave me a pep talk.  I love him!  I still feel sad when I think about my failure with breastfeeding.  However, I try to look on the bright side.   My body allowed her to arrive safely.  There was a point in time when I wasn't sure if that would ever happen.  I was a formula fed baby and I am just fine.  Failure with breastfeeding was a huge disappointment that I didn't prepare myself for.

Now our sweet Charlotte is growing and thriving.  It kind of breaks my heart to watch her grow so quickly.  I am not prepared for that yet!  I wish I could hit a pause button.  She is doing much better at sleeping longer stretches at night.  Who knew 5-6 hours of sleep could be so exciting?  I am really loving being a mommy.  It is a bit tougher than I thought.  Much more exhausting than I anticipated.  Please don't think I am complaining because I am not.  I am extremely grateful and thankful for this girl!  Even though it is harder than I thought, I am enjoying every second of it.  I thank God each and every day for this miracle.

Here are a few more recent pictures of my sweet baby:

                                                   Charlotte is so tired of having her picture taken!

                                                                       Just hanging out!

                        This one is my favorite!  She is getting ready for bath time!  She looks like an angel!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Our Sweet Girl Has Arrived!!!

I apologize for taking so long to give an update.  I have been quite busy adjusting to my new life!  Charlotte Leigh arrived on Thursday, February 23, 2012 at 8:25 pm.  She was 7 ponds and 12 ounces and measured 19.5 inches long.  I am head over heals in love with her!

It may be wrong to post a picture of her crying, but I love her cry.  It reminds me that she is living and breathing.  Our delivery did not quite happen as planned.  I dilated to 5 cm and then did not progress any further.  So, sweet Charlotte had to be delivered via C-section.  I am loving every second with her even though I am exhausted.  She is so very much worth it!  Thank you all so much for your prayers and support.  The only problem we've really had is jaundice, and that seems to be improving everyday.  I look forward to sharing more about my sweet baby girl very soon!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sooner than I thought...

Well, it looks like I will be meeting my baby girl a little sooner than I expected.  I went for my weekly doctor's visit on Tuesday (Valentine's Day).  I am dilated 2 and a half cm now (up just a little from last week).  Everything looks really good.  The only concern Dr. P  has is the size of my baby girl.  He said that I have a "good sized baby" in there, and it would be best  not to let her get too much bigger.  He didn't give me an estimation on her weight or anything like that.  I am thankful for that because I think any type of  number may have terrified me.  Anyway, we are scheduled to induce labor this Thursday, February 23 if Charlotte has not arrived on her own before then. 

I have so many mixed emotions.   I am so ready to meet her!  I have waited so much longer than 9 months to have this baby!  However, it seems unreal how quickly everything is happening.  She will only be 12 days early, and the doctor assures me this is not too early to deliver.  Part of me is nervous about the delivery aspect as well.  So many labor horror stories float around.  However, no matter what, she will be so worth it. 

My plan of action is to focus on the excitement of meeting her and holding her.  I will use this to get me  through whatever may come.  Please say a prayer for our upcoming delivery!