Thursday, September 15, 2011

I'm still here:)

Well, it's been a bit, but I am still here. I am still taking life one day at a time. I wanted to take a minute to share some things I've been feeling. This pregnancy is very different from my first. I was over the moon with joy for my first pregnancy. I was foolish enough to believe that if you got pregnant, then you have a baby nine months later. I am very happy about this pregnancy too, but my heart is somewhat guarded. Sometimes I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting for something bad to happen. I am getting better about the fear, but it still creeps up on me every now and again.

We started telling people at 13 weeks. I still didn't feel ready, but my hubby couldn't stand it anymore. He is just so happy. I really don't want to ruin this for him, so I agreed. I must admit it was pretty fun to tell people. It is cool to see how excited everyone was for us. So many more prayers are now being said for our sweet baby, and I am thankful for that. Anyway, I feel like people believe my heart is healed now. That everything is perfect because we have a baby on the way. Something that is hard for people to understand is that my heart will never be healed. A huge part of my heart will always be gone because my first child is not here. He/She is missing from our lives and NOTHING will change that. It doesn't matter how many children we eventually have....I will always miss my sweet baby. I guess some people don't understand that this never goes away.

I also feel so much guilt. A couple of people have asked if this is our first...and I said yes. It really breaks my heart, but it's so much easier than explaining. Explaining is difficult for me emotionally, and I don't want to get emotional with some people. I hate that my mom and mother in law are each telling people they are expecting their second grandchild. It just isn't true. This is my mom's fourth (counting my loss & my brother's loss) and my mother in law's third. Maybe they don't see it that way, or maybe they just find it easier to not have to explain. I can't fault them for something that I do myself. Everything can just be so confusing.

Please don't think that I am ungrateful for this pregnancy. I am very grateful and I still find it very hard to believe. I just knew this was the one place I could share my feelings.

So, onto happier things. I am officially 15 weeks pregnant. I went to the doctor Tuesday, and everything is still going fine. On most days, I don't feel pregnant at all. This was my first visit without an ultrasound, but I was okay with that because I still got to hear my baby's heartbeat.
The heartbeat was strong with 166 bpm. We go back in 4 weeks and if our little one cooperates we will find out if it is a boy or a girl. I find that to be very exciting. I really thought it would be really fun and exciting to not find out, but my husband REALLY wants to know. So, I am giving in. He said that if there is a next time we can do it my way.

We have even started talking baby names, and I think we have it narrowed down, but I will wait to share those later!

Please keep the prayers coming that everything continues to go smoothly!