Tuesday, August 24, 2010

EDD again...

Well, it came again. My EDD has arrived again today. Instead of birthday parties and celebrations of my baby's first birthday, I am sad. I miss my sweet baby. I wish things were different, but they're not. I just feel lost and stuck. My heart is still broken. There is a big part of my life that is missing. I miss you sweet angel...I hope you're watching over mommy and daddy. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. Sending you hugs and kisses....one day we shall meet again.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

What's going on?

I have reached a point where I just have to ask myself....what's going on? Why is it that everything pregnacy and baby related is shoved on me in the span of a couple of days? At my family reunion last weekend, my cousin "M"(who already has one child she doesn't spend much time with--not to mention her previous drug problems...) announces she's pregnant again. What a punch in the gut! It didn't help that my temperature had dropped that morning, and I knew AF would be arriving in the next couple of days:( Just as expected, AF arrived painfully on Tuesday, which also happened to be my first day back at work after summer break(I am a teacher). What rotten timing!

Anyway, AF arrived on the same day my husband's cousin had her baby. I was really happy that everything went well for her. It just made me sad because noone ever go to celebrate our baby's entrance into the world that way. Our sweet baby just came and left so quickly.

My friend that I've mentioned on a previous post also had a doctor's appointment that same day. Earlier in her pregnancy she had some bleeding, but when they did an ultrasound they didn't see anything in her sac yet. So, I was concerned for her and I told her to text me and let me know how her appointment went. She texted to say that they did not do an ultrasound, but they were able to hear the heartbeat. She also made a huge announcement to facebook. As relieved as I was for her, I cried and cried. I was happy for her, but it just reminded me that we never got to hear our baby's heartbeat. That is something I really wished we could have done. Sometimes it feels like some horrible nightmare. If I had heard the baby's heartbeart, it would have validated what I always feel in my heart. Our baby was real. So many others have forgotten about our baby, but I haven't.

So, I am learning that I am having a hard time celebrating other's pregnancies because I try to compare it to my own(even though my was only 9 short weeks). I was never a jealous person, but jealousy is what I feel now when I hear pregnancy or baby news. That makes me feel like a bad person. I just wanted my story to end the same way. But I am learning more and more everyday that it doesn't matter what I want. God has a plan for me. I don't understand it, but I have to believe it's for the greater good.

My EDD is coming up again on Aug. 24. My neice's birthday is Aug. 23. My sister is busy planning her party, and I just keep thinking...I should be planning my baby's first birthday party. Instead I am still stuck in the same situation...no baby...just me, my husband, our two dogs, and our cat. I love them so much, but I don't feel our family is complete. So, here I go again with another round of Clomid. I have one refill left after this, then I am heading to the doctor to see what we can do next.

I have also been focusing on dropping some pounds before I go back to the doctor. I am afraid that he might just say the next step is for me to lose a little weight. I want to be able to show him that I've started that. I am an emotional eater, and after my miscarriage I packed on more pounds than I should have. However, I am working on changing that. 6 pounds down so far, and I feel much better when I exercise, even if it isn't as long as I would like to. At least I'm off to a good start.

I wish I could say I feel hopeful about the next cycle, but to be honest, I don't feel anything at all. I guess I'm just numb. To be honest, I'm kind of getting used to failing. Sad but true.

I believe with all my heart that better days are ahead. I will just continue to take life one day at a time.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Dealing with Others

A very good friend of mine called and invited me to have dinner with her in June. Well, come to find out she wanted to announce her pregnancy and she felt that she should do it face to face. I said and did all the right things. I truly went out of my way to show how happy I am for her. I truly am happy for her, but also bitterly jealous that it's not me. Why does it seem like my turn keeps getting skipped? I really love my friend, and I am worried for her. That's what losing a baby does to you, it makes it impossible to feel the blissfulness that most normal people feel when a pregnancy is announced. I just don't like that. She also said she didn't want our friendship to change, and that I could still confide in her my troubles TTC. I just don't think I can do that. I can't discuss with someone my rocky road of TTC when they have a beautifully pregnant belly. That is probably really closed minded of me, but I just don't feel comfortable doing that.

It has been 18 months since I lost my sweet baby. I thought in time things would get better, and in many ways it has. However, every now and again those emotions creep up on me and give me a good smack in the face. I still yearn to hold my baby. My EDD is coming up again on August 24, and it really makes me sad. If my baby would have made it I would be getting ready to celebrate his/her first birthday. But here I am still waiting for my chance to become a mother to a baby that is meant to stay here on Earth.

I think another reason this friend's pregnancy is so difficult for me is because up until now, I have been able to avoid pregnant people so that I didn't have to see them or talk to them very often. There is no way I can avoid this one. Not only is she a dear friend, but we work together. However, it is summer, and I think I have unintentionally put a distance between us. I just haven't picked up the phone to call her, and the last few times she invited me to do something, I already had other plans.

A big group of us that work together went out for lunch one day last month, including my pregnant friend. It became apparent to me after a couple of minutes that she had announced her pregnancy to everyone at work. Pregnancy and babies were the only topic of conversation at the table. This was very difficult for me. I could no way be involved in this conversation. Although I was not the only one at lunch who has no children at home, I was the only one who has suffered a loss. Those who had no children were talking excitedly about their future plans for pregnancy. I remember when I was able to do that. It seems so long ago. Anyway, I was very quiet and uncomfortable the entire time. Then my boss says that she believes more than just my friend will be pregnant this year, then she went on to name two more people that were sitting at the table(NOT ME). Not that I've advertised to the world that my hubby and I are still TTC, but it seems to me that I am not even an option to them anymore. It was very hurtful. I just sat there quietly anxiously awaiting the end to this horrible lunch that I was really excited about before I got there.

This friend who's pregnant has been supportive of me since my loss. She has told me many times that maybe God was waiting for me to get pregnant whenever she was pregnant because He knew it was a journey that she could not do alone. Well, she was wrong. She even mentioned this at this horrible lunch after my boss made the comment about the other two girls getting pregnant. I know she meant to try to help, but it really makes me feel like more of a failure. I just said, "Well, that's not going so well for us, so we'll have to wait and see." I just didn't know how to respond.

The following morning, one of the ladies that attended the lunch called me to check on me. She said that she knew all of the baby talk has to be getting to me, and she offered her support. Although she's never experienced a loss, she's been very supportive of me. She's older than myself and has two grown daughters. Her call meant so much to me and reminded me that I am not alone.

Another thing my friend did that really annoyed me was that she called me a few weeks ago, and we chatted about many different things like we normally do. She kept bringing up people she knew that had multiple losses that were still continuing to struggle. I think her point was to make me realize that others have it worse than I do. I truly understand that others in this world have suffered far more than I have. I do. I know that just from the amazing women I've met online. I just listened and didn't say too much of anything. Later when I was telling my husband about it, I told him that I understood people have suffered more than I, but it didn't mean I didn't miss my one baby. I still have a right to grieve for the child I lost. I have a right to feel what I need to feel. This is a grieving process that will affect me for the rest of my life. No one has the right to tell me how to feel.

Also, it's official....I'm 30. I have been dreading that day for a long time. I know I still have time left to conceive a child, but when I miscarried at 28 I truly believe with all my heart that I would at least be pregnant by 30. So ridiculous I know, but it bothers me to some degree.

So, that's my emotional, crazy time I had in June and July. I waited so long to write about it because I was so emotional and I needed to get things sorted out in my head before I wrote it down. I really believe that the emotional stress I put myself under last month hampered my chances of conceiving. My friend announced her pregnancy on the first day my hubby and I had to start baby dancing. What a mess!

Now on to more positive things....I am doing much better now. My hubby and I took a beach vacation, and we both came back refreshed and relaxed. I am currently on the dreaded 2 week wait. Although I am hopefully optimistic, I am trying to not get my hopes up too high. The disappointment stings more when I do. I'll let you friends know more when I do. Thanks for all of your support!