Sunday, January 30, 2011

A little bit of this and that...

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement over the last few weeks. You all were there for me when I needed it most. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you!

I am finding myself in a somewhat better place these days. I have been able to bring myself to go to church these last 2 weeks or so. I don't think I can honestly say that I am full of hope, but I think I am better(at times) than I was before. Sometimes it comes back to smack me in the face, but I am really trying hard to be better.

Since Christmas I have endured a total of 5 pregnancy announcements. It hurts so much. The most recent one was my cousin on Thursday. I cried a lot about that one. She asked my mom to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. Guess what? It doesn't matter who tells still hurts. It makes me feel like such a horrible person. What kind of person finds it difficult to share in the excitement of a new life being added to this Earth? A really bad person like me, that's who! I really cried a lot when my mom told me. I didn't want to show that much emotion. She thinks I need to talk to someone else. The pastor at the church I went to as a child(he's newer to the church, so I don't know him very well) said that he would speak with me. He and his wife have suffered several miscarriages as well as a failed adoption. I just don't know if I will be brave enough to make that call. I also don't feel comfortable talking about my one miscarriage and struggle to have another when he and his wife have endured so much more. Not sure if I am going to make that move, but I will consider it.

It really bothers me that so many others much younger than myself are getting pregnant so easily. I feel like my life is so stuck. Everyone is moving forward, but I am stuck. Will I ever move forward? I just don't know.

I made it through my friend's baby shower. It turned out not to be as awful as I expected because I was busy helping to decorate, putting presents away, fixing my friend a plate of food, cleaning up and picking up all of the stuff. It really helped to keep me busy. My hands were busy and my mind was busy with the task at hand, so I didn't have time to really let it all get to me. I did and said all the right things with a smile so nobody would know how broken my heart is. I cried and had a lot of anxiety leading up to the shower, but I was so relieved when it was over that relief was all that I felt. My hubby took me out on a date night after the shower because he thought I would need it, and he was right! It was so nice to get out and spend time with him. While we were out to dinner, my friend sent me a text that read "Thanks for everything today! I know that it's a hard situation for you to be in and you have no idea how much I love and appreciate u:)" The guilt again kicked in. What kind of person can't be there to support a friend during one of the most incredible moments of their life? A really bad person like me, that's who!

I also made it through baby Tyler's second angelversary on Jan. 18. I thought this day would be especially hard, but I felt so much peace and love on this day. I just know my sweet baby was with me:)

This post is turning out to be a fairly long one, but I wanted to give an update of my TTC journey. I had the dye test done, and my tubes are very much open. Now I have a confession to make. I am overweight. I've struggled with my weight since my senior year of high school. I was overweight when I got pregnant, and the doctor assured me that my weight had nothing to do with my miscarriage. Therefore, before we try any more ovulation inducing drugs, my doctor wants me to focus on diet and exercise for 3 months. My blood sugar levels are slightly elevated, so I also started Metformin earlier this month. So the plan for 3 months is diet, exercise, and Metformin. I am really ashamed to admit to this because I am so embarrassed about my weight. But I am trying to do better. Since August I've lost 22 pounds. Most recently(since Christmas) I've lost 10 pounds. Sometimes I feel like I am my own worst enemy. Maybe my fertility problems were created by myself. I just don't know. But I do know one thing. I can't control whether or not I conceive a baby. I can pray and try. I CAN control what I eat, how much I eat, and how much I exercise. So for now I am going to focus on the very few things that I feel like I DO have control over.

I hope that everyone else is well! Lots of love to you all!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

2 Years Ago...

Dear Sweet Baby Tyler,

2 years ago you left Mommy and Daddy to go and be with Jesus. Oh, how we miss you so! Our love for you is so strong. There is not one day that I wake up and do not think of you or what your life meant. I am going to work harder to be a better Christian so we can meet in heaven one day. I wish you were here with us still, but that was not God's plan for your soul. He needed you with him. I still dream of you. Please help Daddy and I to find peace in our hearts.


Sunday, January 2, 2011


It's been awhile since I took time out of my life to blog. Besides being very busy, I haven't been in a good place emotionally. I don't want this blog to just be negative all of the time, but when I'm feeling down is when I feel drawn to write. So, here we go...

On Dec. 13 I had my long awaited appointment with the RE. This appointment was fine. I had bloodwork done last week, and I am scheduled for an HSG(dye test to see if my tubes are open) on Tuesday. I am feeling a bit anxious about this, as the unknown is scary. I am also nervous because they were supposed to call in an antibiotic for me to begin taking the day before the procedure(tomorrow), but the prescription is not at the pharmacy. The doctor's office is closed tomorrow in observance of New Year. I am praying this does not delay the procedure. I am off of work until Friday,and I really don't want to take a day off of work for this. I am just ready to get this show on the road. I don't know if I can take anymore delays. But on the other hand, I've been waiting 2 years, so what's a little longer. Grrrr....lots of frustration.

On another note, I am feeling pretty low....lower than I've felt in a very long time. So low that I'm scared. Christmas was very difficult for me, which is no surprise. Three of my cousins made pregnancy announcements, one of which is due on my due date. This really hurt. That day was for my baby:( I wished it would have stayed for my baby and my baby alone. Also 2 out of the 3 cousins who so proudly announced their pregnancies were also smoking!!!! I was furious!!! Needless to say I went home early in a pool of tears. I just find them to be so ungrateful for the amazing gift they've been given. It really made me sick.

Then something happened that kind of made me snap. My husband called me Wednesday on his way home to tell me that he just got off the phone with his sister,and she told him that she is pregnant. This is the news that really pushed me over the edge and I am now living in a deep pool of lonliness and sadness. My sister in law is my husband's only sibling. She is 22 years old and does not even have a boyfriend. So needless to say, this pregnancy announcement was in no way expected. I feel so much anger. I feel anger at her for allowing this to happen. I take it very personally everytime someone pops up pregnant. I feel angry with God for allowing so many around me to so easily receive what I so desperately desire. I went to church today and I didn't pray. I really regretted going. I feel abandoned by God. Noone in my family understands how I feel. My heart is just broken. AGAIN. I keep thinking that I will wake up and this will all have been a dream.

I have so much coming up that is so difficult for me. A friend is having a baby shower in 2 weeks. Did I happen to mention that her mom asked me to help with decorations and games? This friend has been avoiding me since her pregnancy began because she doesn't want to hurt me. And I am ashamed to admit it, but it does hurt me to see her. I miss my baby so much and I long to have another. My Angelversary is quickly approaching on January 18. 2 whole years since my sweet baby has gone to heaven. My heart is still so broken.

I am in a very low place. I feel so alone with so much anger and resentment. I am sad and I've cried for days. My faith is shaken, but not yet broken. Please say a prayer for me, as I am not even sure I am able to pray for myself. I also feel ashamed of the emotions I feel because I know that it makes me a bad person. I don't want to be an angry, resentful, bad person. I don't want my broken heart to last forever. I don't want to hurt anymore. I wish I could say I felt all this hope for the new year, but I don't. I don't think anything will change. It's all so awful.

Please leave me words of encouragement,as I need them very much.