Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Does He Want it as Much as I Do?

Does he want it as much as I do? This is a question that I've asked myself many times. Sometimes it seems as if I am the only one who suffers the disappointment and frustration. Sometimes I feel like maybe it wouldn't matter to him if we had a family or not. I discovered something this weekend that opened my eyes to help me see a little from his perspective.

First, let me give a little background information. A few years ago for Christmas, a very good friend of mine from high school gave us a white board to put on our refrigerator to write one another notes and such. When we recieved this gift, he also asked us to write a dream we had for the upcoming year. Something personal that would be right there as a hidden reminder of hope. This was before we were married, so the hubby and I wrote "a happy beginning to our marriage". I had all but forgotten about writing on the back of that board. I don't believe I've looked at it since. This weekend while I was cleaning I moved the board to clean the fridge, and this is what I saw:

That's when I realized...he wants it just as much as I do. He truly does. I just think that he doesn't show his disappointment or frustration because he doesn't want to add any more pressure or anxiety to what I am already feeling. He doesn't show what he's feeling because he still sees how heartbroken and defeated I feel. He doesn't feel the physical pain and defeat I feel when AF arrives.

So, to answer the question I have asked myself a million times....YES, he does want it just as much as I do. He just doesn't show it in the same way. I love this man more than words can express. I am so thankful to have him in my life, especailly with all the trials we've been through. I just love him more today than I did the day we married two years ago, and I never thought that to be possible.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Feeling a bit Numb

Today I feel blah, blah blah. Today I feel numb. Maybe numb is better than sad. I just don't know. Today I feel discouraged, hopeless, and tired. I feel like I am making NO progress. Today I'm just down.

I've hit a standstill the last 2 weeks with the diet and I can't seem to find the energy and will to do better. Eating is the way I cope. I don't know what else to do.

People have had 2 babies since we lost our 1. This really bothers me. Please God don't forget about us! Don't forget to give us a turn too! I hate days like today. But this too shall pass...maybe tomorrow will be better.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Taking Big Steps

Today has been a very busy and productive day that has been filled with many emotions. I have been waiting for AF to arrive this week so I could call the doctor and see what comes next because I finished my final round of Clomid. Well, AF arrived today, and I called my doc. I spoke with his nurse, and she said the next step would be to refer me to an RE. The only reason I haven't reached out to an RE yet is mainly because of fear. I know my insurance does not cover much of anything, and I am afraid everything will just be too expensive for us to even begin to get anywhere.

Anyway, the big appointment is Dec. 13 unless there is a cancellation. I am excited and disappointed all at the same time. I am excited because I might find some answers. I am disappointed because my body has failed and led me to this point. I am also scared. What if all I learn is that none of the options will be possible for me because it costs way too much money? I also realize that I need to stop worrying about about the "what if's" and leave it in God's hands. I pray for peace these next couple of months.

Sorry this post is kind of all over the place, but that's how I'm feeling today. Hope everyone is well!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Still hanging in there...

It's been a little bit since I was able to post. I realized that I usually write when I am down. It probably comes across that I am a very negative person because I rarely write positive things. So, I am going to mention just a few good things that are happening in my life.

First of all, I have the best husband I could have ever dreamed of. He is so supportive of me, even when I don't deserve it. I can't even seem to remember what my life was like before him. I also have an amazing family. They are also supportive of me and they never judge me. I love them so much. I also have great friends, especailly the friends I have connected with online. You guys offer me such support and truly understand what I am going through. Many of you have had success after loss, and that gives me hope. I probably don't let myself feel hope as much as I should.

I have been keeping myself very busy the last few weeks. The weather is finally cooler here in south Louisiana. Just that change makes me feel so much better. Fall is by far my favorite time of the year. It reminds me of when the hubby and I first started dating. It brings back the feeling of excitement. I have great memories of raking leaves in the backyard with my dad. We made scarecrows and carved pumpkins together. I also love fall because my hubby and I got married in the fall(November), so the season holds such good memories for me. I've been keeping myself very busy with fun things. Last weekend my mom and I attended a Christmas themed craft show. I also got to go to the Saints game with my cousin last weekend as well. I love football! This weekend my hubby and I got to go to the Saints game. Saints game 2 weeks in a row! That's pretty awesome.

At work, my name was pulled in a drawing and I won a $100 gift card to buy snacks and supplies for my classroom. This was so exciting for me! I literally felt like I had won the lottery:) I had so much fun buying the kids some fun stuff this weekend. They are going to be so excited!

My weight loss journey is also going well. I've been exercising faithfully and I am feeling so much better. I have lots more energy even though I get up way earlier to exercise. I have lost a grand total of 18 pounds so far. I must confess that I did not eat as well as I should have this weekend, but I am not going to let that keep me down. Tomorrow is a new day and I know I can do better. I've decided that even if I gain weight this week, then I am just going to work harder to do better. I know I can do this! I can get my body healthy!

I am currently on my 2ww of my final cycle of Clomid. I can't explain why, but my 2ww is usually the most positive and happy time for me during my cycle. I think it may be because I still have hope for the next 2 weeks. I know I did everything I can, and now I just have to hope and pray. I am so anxious for this cycle to come so I can call my doctor to see what step I can move on to next.

Also, to keep myself occupied, I have purchased tickets to at least one almost every month from now until April. In Sept. and Oct., I attended the Saints games(like I previously mentioned). Also in October my hubby and I are going to see a comedienne that he likes. My mom and I are going to a concert in November. I am taking my neice to see Disney Live in December. In January, Cirque de Soleil. In March, a musical play. In April another concert with a friend. I am not going to let my infertility prevent me from living my life. I am going to enjoy my life, and not bring myself down. I am going to appreciate that I am feeling positive at the moment. One day when I am feeling bad, I am going to look back on this post and try to remember all of the good in my life.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Queen of Negativity...with a little progress

Wow! What a crazy weekend! I can't even begin to explain why, but this has been one of the most difficult weekends I've had in a very long time. Yesterday was the hardest I've cried in months.

My Saturday started with a friendly phone call from my pregnant friend. It went pretty well. I know that she's been avoiding me. You can obviously tell. That really hurts, but I think she's been avoiding me because she doesn't want to hurt me. We talked about work stuff for awhile. She very hesitantly brought up how her pregnancy was going. It's going well for her with the exception that the doctor is concerned that she is gaining weight too quickly. I really do say all of the right things. I never show that I am hurt by anything, even when I might be. I never let on how whole heartily jealous I am. That is why her distance from me is confusing for me. I've done all the right things, no matter how much it hurts. But anyway, she said she is going to start walking after school if I wanted to join her. I guess we're both trying to make the best of a difficult situation. And as jealous as I am of her, I really do miss her friendship. After our phone call ended, I did my 30 minute workout. After that I went to the restroom to discover that AF had arrived once again. That was all it took. I probably cried 85% of the day. My poor sweet husband just didn't know what to do with me. He just held me and let me cry. I just told him that I am so tired. I'm just tired of everything. I'm tired of failing and letting us down. He says that I don't let him down, but I feel that I do. Every month that passes, I feel a little of my hope slide away. My heart breaks a little further. I am just so tired, but I am not at the point where I feel I can give up. I just can't accept that I will not have children of my own. I cannot admit that defeat. I felt that I had it a pretty rotten low. I hated every second of it.

Today has gone a bit better. My heart is still heavy, but I didn't cry most of the day today. As my hubby and I were rushing out the door to get to church(neither of us are very good morning people so we are always rushing out of the door), I noticed a beautiful purple flower in between two slabs of cement. What you must know is that my husband and I do NO planting throughout the year unless you count our Topsy Turvy tomato plants that were hanging on the porch. The only other flowers that ever grow are the little white flowers that grow in the spring. It was such a foreign sight in our yard. I felt that it was a sign. I don't know from who...God, our baby, my grandmother....but at any rate it was a comforting sign. I was so excited that I took a picture to share.

After much debate, we joined a large group of friends for lunch today. I have been putting a lot of energy into avoiding a certain couple because they just had a baby in May. I thought it might be too hard. Anyway, without pressure from anyone else, I held this beautiful baby, and I didn't fall apart. This was a very huge deal from me because I have not touched a baby under a year old since my miscarriage. As I was holding this baby, my sweet hubby leans over and whispered, " You are doing great and I am really proud of you." It felt good. As I held this baby, I closed my eyes and just felt her warm body and smelled her wonderful smells. It was such a comforting feeling. It felt good. The only thing that made me sad was the fear that I would never be able to feel that feeling with a baby of my own. It was very overwhelming, but I felt like I took a very big step. That doesn't mean I'll be able to hold every baby that comes my way, but I might be able to deal with some of them. I feel like it was a step toward progress.

So, my plan for this month:

1. My last round of Clomid, which I am sure will fail because it has so far(please remember that I am the Queen of Negativity).
2. Continue working on my weight loss and getting my body healthy. I am down 10 pounds so far, and I feel good. I want to drop some more before I head to the doctor, just in case that is what he will recommend next.
3. Try not to stress out. I bought a cute little magazine on how to make cute Halloween treats. I think I am going to practice these for the kids at school. We will have a fall carnival and we always have a get together at my mom's house. I am hoping this will keep me occupied.
4. Enjoy life and appreciate what I have been given.

I hope everyone has a great week. Thank you all for your support and kind comments. You can't even begin to know how much it helps me!

Monday, September 6, 2010

My reflections from the weekend...

This weekend was a bit strange for me. First of all, I got out of the house and did a lot more this weekend than I have in a long time. My hometown has a big festival Labor Day weekend, and it was fun to listen to great music and enjoy a fun atmosphere(not to mention fair food...I LOVE fair food!) So needless to say, I fell off the diet bandwagon this weekend, but I did continue my exercise routine, and I also got additional excercise walking around the fair grounds. It was nice for the most part. It was relaxing.

This is where I just feel strange even admitting it. My emotions were everywhere this weekend. I was happy one minute, then someone with a stroller would pass by, and I sadness would overwhelm me for a bit. It was like that ALL weekend long. I guess it's the lasting side effects of Clomid or that AF should be arriving around the upcoming weekend. It could also be that I try very hard to avoid things that might make me sad. I just don't like the ups and downs changing so quickly. It makes me feel strange and unstable.

Church on Sunday was amazing, and I really got a lot from it. They played one of my favorite songs, and it stuck with me the last couple of days.

I know that there are a lot of ramblings today, but sometimes that is just how I work. All in all, it was an okay weekend. I am thankful for the additional day off. I am just trying to gear myself up for the upcoming week. I hope it's a good one. If nothing else, at least it's a little shorter. I hope everyone had an amazing Labor Day weekend that brought them lots of joy and laughter!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

EDD again...

Well, it came again. My EDD has arrived again today. Instead of birthday parties and celebrations of my baby's first birthday, I am sad. I miss my sweet baby. I wish things were different, but they're not. I just feel lost and stuck. My heart is still broken. There is a big part of my life that is missing. I miss you sweet angel...I hope you're watching over mommy and daddy. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. Sending you hugs and day we shall meet again.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

What's going on?

I have reached a point where I just have to ask myself....what's going on? Why is it that everything pregnacy and baby related is shoved on me in the span of a couple of days? At my family reunion last weekend, my cousin "M"(who already has one child she doesn't spend much time with--not to mention her previous drug problems...) announces she's pregnant again. What a punch in the gut! It didn't help that my temperature had dropped that morning, and I knew AF would be arriving in the next couple of days:( Just as expected, AF arrived painfully on Tuesday, which also happened to be my first day back at work after summer break(I am a teacher). What rotten timing!

Anyway, AF arrived on the same day my husband's cousin had her baby. I was really happy that everything went well for her. It just made me sad because noone ever go to celebrate our baby's entrance into the world that way. Our sweet baby just came and left so quickly.

My friend that I've mentioned on a previous post also had a doctor's appointment that same day. Earlier in her pregnancy she had some bleeding, but when they did an ultrasound they didn't see anything in her sac yet. So, I was concerned for her and I told her to text me and let me know how her appointment went. She texted to say that they did not do an ultrasound, but they were able to hear the heartbeat. She also made a huge announcement to facebook. As relieved as I was for her, I cried and cried. I was happy for her, but it just reminded me that we never got to hear our baby's heartbeat. That is something I really wished we could have done. Sometimes it feels like some horrible nightmare. If I had heard the baby's heartbeart, it would have validated what I always feel in my heart. Our baby was real. So many others have forgotten about our baby, but I haven't.

So, I am learning that I am having a hard time celebrating other's pregnancies because I try to compare it to my own(even though my was only 9 short weeks). I was never a jealous person, but jealousy is what I feel now when I hear pregnancy or baby news. That makes me feel like a bad person. I just wanted my story to end the same way. But I am learning more and more everyday that it doesn't matter what I want. God has a plan for me. I don't understand it, but I have to believe it's for the greater good.

My EDD is coming up again on Aug. 24. My neice's birthday is Aug. 23. My sister is busy planning her party, and I just keep thinking...I should be planning my baby's first birthday party. Instead I am still stuck in the same baby...just me, my husband, our two dogs, and our cat. I love them so much, but I don't feel our family is complete. So, here I go again with another round of Clomid. I have one refill left after this, then I am heading to the doctor to see what we can do next.

I have also been focusing on dropping some pounds before I go back to the doctor. I am afraid that he might just say the next step is for me to lose a little weight. I want to be able to show him that I've started that. I am an emotional eater, and after my miscarriage I packed on more pounds than I should have. However, I am working on changing that. 6 pounds down so far, and I feel much better when I exercise, even if it isn't as long as I would like to. At least I'm off to a good start.

I wish I could say I feel hopeful about the next cycle, but to be honest, I don't feel anything at all. I guess I'm just numb. To be honest, I'm kind of getting used to failing. Sad but true.

I believe with all my heart that better days are ahead. I will just continue to take life one day at a time.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Dealing with Others

A very good friend of mine called and invited me to have dinner with her in June. Well, come to find out she wanted to announce her pregnancy and she felt that she should do it face to face. I said and did all the right things. I truly went out of my way to show how happy I am for her. I truly am happy for her, but also bitterly jealous that it's not me. Why does it seem like my turn keeps getting skipped? I really love my friend, and I am worried for her. That's what losing a baby does to you, it makes it impossible to feel the blissfulness that most normal people feel when a pregnancy is announced. I just don't like that. She also said she didn't want our friendship to change, and that I could still confide in her my troubles TTC. I just don't think I can do that. I can't discuss with someone my rocky road of TTC when they have a beautifully pregnant belly. That is probably really closed minded of me, but I just don't feel comfortable doing that.

It has been 18 months since I lost my sweet baby. I thought in time things would get better, and in many ways it has. However, every now and again those emotions creep up on me and give me a good smack in the face. I still yearn to hold my baby. My EDD is coming up again on August 24, and it really makes me sad. If my baby would have made it I would be getting ready to celebrate his/her first birthday. But here I am still waiting for my chance to become a mother to a baby that is meant to stay here on Earth.

I think another reason this friend's pregnancy is so difficult for me is because up until now, I have been able to avoid pregnant people so that I didn't have to see them or talk to them very often. There is no way I can avoid this one. Not only is she a dear friend, but we work together. However, it is summer, and I think I have unintentionally put a distance between us. I just haven't picked up the phone to call her, and the last few times she invited me to do something, I already had other plans.

A big group of us that work together went out for lunch one day last month, including my pregnant friend. It became apparent to me after a couple of minutes that she had announced her pregnancy to everyone at work. Pregnancy and babies were the only topic of conversation at the table. This was very difficult for me. I could no way be involved in this conversation. Although I was not the only one at lunch who has no children at home, I was the only one who has suffered a loss. Those who had no children were talking excitedly about their future plans for pregnancy. I remember when I was able to do that. It seems so long ago. Anyway, I was very quiet and uncomfortable the entire time. Then my boss says that she believes more than just my friend will be pregnant this year, then she went on to name two more people that were sitting at the table(NOT ME). Not that I've advertised to the world that my hubby and I are still TTC, but it seems to me that I am not even an option to them anymore. It was very hurtful. I just sat there quietly anxiously awaiting the end to this horrible lunch that I was really excited about before I got there.

This friend who's pregnant has been supportive of me since my loss. She has told me many times that maybe God was waiting for me to get pregnant whenever she was pregnant because He knew it was a journey that she could not do alone. Well, she was wrong. She even mentioned this at this horrible lunch after my boss made the comment about the other two girls getting pregnant. I know she meant to try to help, but it really makes me feel like more of a failure. I just said, "Well, that's not going so well for us, so we'll have to wait and see." I just didn't know how to respond.

The following morning, one of the ladies that attended the lunch called me to check on me. She said that she knew all of the baby talk has to be getting to me, and she offered her support. Although she's never experienced a loss, she's been very supportive of me. She's older than myself and has two grown daughters. Her call meant so much to me and reminded me that I am not alone.

Another thing my friend did that really annoyed me was that she called me a few weeks ago, and we chatted about many different things like we normally do. She kept bringing up people she knew that had multiple losses that were still continuing to struggle. I think her point was to make me realize that others have it worse than I do. I truly understand that others in this world have suffered far more than I have. I do. I know that just from the amazing women I've met online. I just listened and didn't say too much of anything. Later when I was telling my husband about it, I told him that I understood people have suffered more than I, but it didn't mean I didn't miss my one baby. I still have a right to grieve for the child I lost. I have a right to feel what I need to feel. This is a grieving process that will affect me for the rest of my life. No one has the right to tell me how to feel.

Also, it's official....I'm 30. I have been dreading that day for a long time. I know I still have time left to conceive a child, but when I miscarried at 28 I truly believe with all my heart that I would at least be pregnant by 30. So ridiculous I know, but it bothers me to some degree.

So, that's my emotional, crazy time I had in June and July. I waited so long to write about it because I was so emotional and I needed to get things sorted out in my head before I wrote it down. I really believe that the emotional stress I put myself under last month hampered my chances of conceiving. My friend announced her pregnancy on the first day my hubby and I had to start baby dancing. What a mess!

Now on to more positive things....I am doing much better now. My hubby and I took a beach vacation, and we both came back refreshed and relaxed. I am currently on the dreaded 2 week wait. Although I am hopefully optimistic, I am trying to not get my hopes up too high. The disappointment stings more when I do. I'll let you friends know more when I do. Thanks for all of your support!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

My Story...

Thought it might be a good idea to give a little information about me. My husband and I got married in November of 2008(such a blessed day). It was a bittersweet day because my grandmother passed away eight days before our wedding. Her funeral was on Tuesday, and we got married on Saturday. It really hurt to lose her, but I felt in my heart that she was looking over us on our special day. My hubby and I decided that we wanted to start trying to start our family immediately. To both of our surprises, we conceived on our honeymoon. We were so excited that we would be welcoming a baby in August! However, that was not in God's plan for us. Our sweet baby went to heaven on January 18, 2009 after only being in me for 9 short weeks. I miss our baby so very much and 2009 was a very difficult year for us. We've been trying to conceive again since March 2009, but we have not been successful yet. My doctor wanted us to attempt to conceive on our own for a year before we proceeded with any other steps. So, in January 2010 I went back to see what comes next. After blood work, and SA for my hubby(all of which came back normal), I began taking Clomid in March. I have 2 months left of Clomid after this month, then I will go back to the doctor to see what comes next. We are full of hope and faith that good things are going to happen. I know that there are still plenty of options out there for us to pursue. I am looking forward to see what God has in store for us next. I created this blog to share the many emotions I am going through on this journey. It is a comforting feeling to know that others support you and that I am not alone, so I welcome feedback and advice, especially from those who understand what I'm going through.