Monday, October 25, 2010

Feeling a bit Numb

Today I feel blah, blah blah. Today I feel numb. Maybe numb is better than sad. I just don't know. Today I feel discouraged, hopeless, and tired. I feel like I am making NO progress. Today I'm just down.

I've hit a standstill the last 2 weeks with the diet and I can't seem to find the energy and will to do better. Eating is the way I cope. I don't know what else to do.

People have had 2 babies since we lost our 1. This really bothers me. Please God don't forget about us! Don't forget to give us a turn too! I hate days like today. But this too shall pass...maybe tomorrow will be better.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Taking Big Steps

Today has been a very busy and productive day that has been filled with many emotions. I have been waiting for AF to arrive this week so I could call the doctor and see what comes next because I finished my final round of Clomid. Well, AF arrived today, and I called my doc. I spoke with his nurse, and she said the next step would be to refer me to an RE. The only reason I haven't reached out to an RE yet is mainly because of fear. I know my insurance does not cover much of anything, and I am afraid everything will just be too expensive for us to even begin to get anywhere.

Anyway, the big appointment is Dec. 13 unless there is a cancellation. I am excited and disappointed all at the same time. I am excited because I might find some answers. I am disappointed because my body has failed and led me to this point. I am also scared. What if all I learn is that none of the options will be possible for me because it costs way too much money? I also realize that I need to stop worrying about about the "what if's" and leave it in God's hands. I pray for peace these next couple of months.

Sorry this post is kind of all over the place, but that's how I'm feeling today. Hope everyone is well!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Still hanging in there...

It's been a little bit since I was able to post. I realized that I usually write when I am down. It probably comes across that I am a very negative person because I rarely write positive things. So, I am going to mention just a few good things that are happening in my life.

First of all, I have the best husband I could have ever dreamed of. He is so supportive of me, even when I don't deserve it. I can't even seem to remember what my life was like before him. I also have an amazing family. They are also supportive of me and they never judge me. I love them so much. I also have great friends, especailly the friends I have connected with online. You guys offer me such support and truly understand what I am going through. Many of you have had success after loss, and that gives me hope. I probably don't let myself feel hope as much as I should.

I have been keeping myself very busy the last few weeks. The weather is finally cooler here in south Louisiana. Just that change makes me feel so much better. Fall is by far my favorite time of the year. It reminds me of when the hubby and I first started dating. It brings back the feeling of excitement. I have great memories of raking leaves in the backyard with my dad. We made scarecrows and carved pumpkins together. I also love fall because my hubby and I got married in the fall(November), so the season holds such good memories for me. I've been keeping myself very busy with fun things. Last weekend my mom and I attended a Christmas themed craft show. I also got to go to the Saints game with my cousin last weekend as well. I love football! This weekend my hubby and I got to go to the Saints game. Saints game 2 weeks in a row! That's pretty awesome.

At work, my name was pulled in a drawing and I won a $100 gift card to buy snacks and supplies for my classroom. This was so exciting for me! I literally felt like I had won the lottery:) I had so much fun buying the kids some fun stuff this weekend. They are going to be so excited!

My weight loss journey is also going well. I've been exercising faithfully and I am feeling so much better. I have lots more energy even though I get up way earlier to exercise. I have lost a grand total of 18 pounds so far. I must confess that I did not eat as well as I should have this weekend, but I am not going to let that keep me down. Tomorrow is a new day and I know I can do better. I've decided that even if I gain weight this week, then I am just going to work harder to do better. I know I can do this! I can get my body healthy!

I am currently on my 2ww of my final cycle of Clomid. I can't explain why, but my 2ww is usually the most positive and happy time for me during my cycle. I think it may be because I still have hope for the next 2 weeks. I know I did everything I can, and now I just have to hope and pray. I am so anxious for this cycle to come so I can call my doctor to see what step I can move on to next.

Also, to keep myself occupied, I have purchased tickets to at least one almost every month from now until April. In Sept. and Oct., I attended the Saints games(like I previously mentioned). Also in October my hubby and I are going to see a comedienne that he likes. My mom and I are going to a concert in November. I am taking my neice to see Disney Live in December. In January, Cirque de Soleil. In March, a musical play. In April another concert with a friend. I am not going to let my infertility prevent me from living my life. I am going to enjoy my life, and not bring myself down. I am going to appreciate that I am feeling positive at the moment. One day when I am feeling bad, I am going to look back on this post and try to remember all of the good in my life.