Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Update on my TTC Journey

Let me begin this post by saying that I am still not pregnant. Should be no surprise...I am exactly in the same position that I've been in the last two and a half years.

I contacted my RE's office at the beginning of my new cycle, which was the beginning of June. The nurse said that I can move forward with treatment (ovulation meds) if I wanted to, but the doctor recommended 20 more pounds of weight loss to put me at the BMI that will offer a more optimal chance of pregnancy. Soooo, after some consideration, I have decided to wait. I don't want to spend the amount of money that I will have to spend without optimal chances of pregnancy. I know this is the smart thing to do. However, the impatient part of me that feels like I've waited FOREVER (actually just 2 and a half years) wants it NOW. I am trying to have faith, but I am feeling a little beat down.

I still feel the shame. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to become overweight. Part of me feels like it doesn't matter how hard I try I keep getting denied. I've lost 27 pounds, but it still isn't good enough. On the other hand, I understand why. I just pray that I find the strength and self control to drop more pounds. At least now I have a number of pounds to reach. I have a goal to work toward. I was never given a number before, which was probably for the best because telling me to lose 50 pounds would have felt unreachable for me. Now that I've dropped 27, I have the confidence to lose 20 more. I KNOW I can do it, but it's so darn hard.

I am not completely discouraged though. I can't explain it, but my prayer for peace has been answered. I am not nearly as upset or disappointed as I would have thought I'd been. I am so thankful for that. It's very much what I need.

Another tad bit of encouragement....the RE also wants me to do OPK tests. I agreed, but was skeptical because the only time I've ever gotten a positive OPK was when I was taking Clomid. I use the digital OPK because sometimes I have a difficult time telling if there are 2 lines or not on the other kind. That makes me feel like a complete idiot!! Anyway, on CD 20 I got my first ever happy face all by myself. This may have occurred previously, but I haven't tested in awhile because of my frustration with everything. I felt that I just needed a break. So, I am encouraged by the smiley face. Maybe the weight loss is beginning to help my body do what it's supposed to. I am hopeful of that anyway. My hubby was as excited about the smiley face as I was. He even was so bold as to say maybe this will be our month. I told him that was a great thought, but I couldn't really let myself get my hopes up about it. The disappointment just intensifies when I do that. He understood, gave me a hug and said that he will still love me either way. He's pretty awesome:)

Back to the weight loss...I am at a plateau. I can't seem to drop anything lately. I must confess my diet hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been awful either. I've increased my exercise time. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I do Active 2 workout on the Wii. Beleive me, this is not sissy stuff. I also use my couch to 5K ap on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I have made it to week 4. The rain prevented me for doing as many days as I needed to this week, and I don't currently own a treadmill. On Wednesday and Sunday I let my body rest.

If anyone can offer and advice, encouragement, or help with my weight struggle, please let me know. I would appreciate anything!

So, I still feel I am moving forward, even though it isn't as quickly as I wish it would be. I am down at the moment, but not out. I also have a lot going on in my life that is not fertility related, but I will save that for another post. I can't wait to share some of the other aspects of my life!