It's been awhile since I took time out of my life to blog. Besides being very busy, I haven't been in a good place emotionally. I don't want this blog to just be negative all of the time, but when I'm feeling down is when I feel drawn to write. So, here we go...
On Dec. 13 I had my long awaited appointment with the RE. This appointment was fine. I had bloodwork done last week, and I am scheduled for an HSG(dye test to see if my tubes are open) on Tuesday. I am feeling a bit anxious about this, as the unknown is scary. I am also nervous because they were supposed to call in an antibiotic for me to begin taking the day before the procedure(tomorrow), but the prescription is not at the pharmacy. The doctor's office is closed tomorrow in observance of New Year. I am praying this does not delay the procedure. I am off of work until Friday,and I really don't want to take a day off of work for this. I am just ready to get this show on the road. I don't know if I can take anymore delays. But on the other hand, I've been waiting 2 years, so what's a little longer. Grrrr....lots of frustration.
On another note, I am feeling pretty low....lower than I've felt in a very long time. So low that I'm scared. Christmas was very difficult for me, which is no surprise. Three of my cousins made pregnancy announcements, one of which is due on my due date. This really hurt. That day was for my baby:( I wished it would have stayed for my baby and my baby alone. Also 2 out of the 3 cousins who so proudly announced their pregnancies were also smoking!!!! I was furious!!! Needless to say I went home early in a pool of tears. I just find them to be so ungrateful for the amazing gift they've been given. It really made me sick.
Then something happened that kind of made me snap. My husband called me Wednesday on his way home to tell me that he just got off the phone with his sister,and she told him that she is pregnant. This is the news that really pushed me over the edge and I am now living in a deep pool of lonliness and sadness. My sister in law is my husband's only sibling. She is 22 years old and does not even have a boyfriend. So needless to say, this pregnancy announcement was in no way expected. I feel so much anger. I feel anger at her for allowing this to happen. I take it very personally everytime someone pops up pregnant. I feel angry with God for allowing so many around me to so easily receive what I so desperately desire. I went to church today and I didn't pray. I really regretted going. I feel abandoned by God. Noone in my family understands how I feel. My heart is just broken. AGAIN. I keep thinking that I will wake up and this will all have been a dream.
I have so much coming up that is so difficult for me. A friend is having a baby shower in 2 weeks. Did I happen to mention that her mom asked me to help with decorations and games? This friend has been avoiding me since her pregnancy began because she doesn't want to hurt me. And I am ashamed to admit it, but it does hurt me to see her. I miss my baby so much and I long to have another. My Angelversary is quickly approaching on January 18. 2 whole years since my sweet baby has gone to heaven. My heart is still so broken.
I am in a very low place. I feel so alone with so much anger and resentment. I am sad and I've cried for days. My faith is shaken, but not yet broken. Please say a prayer for me, as I am not even sure I am able to pray for myself. I also feel ashamed of the emotions I feel because I know that it makes me a bad person. I don't want to be an angry, resentful, bad person. I don't want my broken heart to last forever. I don't want to hurt anymore. I wish I could say I felt all this hope for the new year, but I don't. I don't think anything will change. It's all so awful.
Please leave me words of encouragement,as I need them very much.
Hey Ann,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it helps to tell you I understand almost EXACTLY how you feel...we are scheduled for our 4th IUI this Friday and if it fails, we will do the dye test also. My brother called with news that he and my sis in law are expecting their 3rd child...they conceived while on BC:(
I agree that it does not seem fair! Why is it so easy for some and so hard for those of us who want this so much??? Please know that you are in my prayers...I understand you feelings and know it can be difficult when it seems those closest to you don't...I know it is hard to pray sometimes...I heard once though, that our God is a VERY BIG GOD! If you need to yell at Him, He can take it...he knows where you heart truly is with Him.
Hi sweetest friend!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are having a bad period on this journey .
Please dont feel guilty for having the feelings you have I think its normal and human to have them given what your have been through.
All you write in this post I have felt too but I just had slightly different situations than you describe but I do have problems to visit friends with newborn babies , and as for babyshowers - its not done is Sweden but if it was I know I would find an excuse not to go as I dont think its worth it to expose yourself to such pain - its not about being a bad person - you can still give a gift but its about protecting your aching heart.
This journey is not easy and we are sad when we are sad but we also have to look forward and keep fighting .
You have taken a huge step forward by going to the RE and I am sure he/ she will come up with a plan for you .
Be kind to yourself and reward yourself for taking that step ! It sa great beginning .
Remember that once your body made all the steps that need to be done in order to conceive and thats a very good sign and it SHOULD happen again mabye with some help but yet it should happen !
Try to take small steps forward focuse on you , on your healing and your health and prepare your body for the future so that you will be your best , healthiest self ever.
I dont think its bad to focuse on yourself because if you are healthy and happy then your husband will also be happy .
Of course there is no time frame for grief and you will do all those things when you are ready .
I will pray for you for peace and for inspiration and that you will get good news from your RE -
HUGS Angie
Hey,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear IF has given you such a rough time. It is such an unbearable 'disease' at times. It follows wherever you go and is very persistent. Don't apologize for all the feelings and emotions you are experiencing. They are there and they are true to where you are at right now.
I do pray it all gets better for you. It is so difficult when there are constant reminders from loved ones, friends, and others of what we don't have, especially when they take it all for granted.
I know you will be a mother and I know you will be a great one. You deserve it and I pray you get your heart's desire soon. And very soon.
You shouldn't have to force hope...not for the new year, not for anything. Let it come back to you when you are fully ready. And it will. I have faith in you and faith in your ability to overcome. But, take your time. YOU, my friend, are worth it.