Friday, June 1, 2012

A little over 3 months

My sweet Charlotte is already a little over 3 months old (14 weeks and 1 day to be exact).   She is growing way too quickly for me!  I am just loving my time with her.  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!  She is more alert now.  She gives me her heart melting smile very often.  She babbles and "talks" to me.  She never ceases to amaze me. 

I celebrated my first Mother's Day with an earthly baby.  I have so many mixed emotions about Mother's Day.  It was a day that I despised for 3 years after the loss of my angel.  It was a hurtful, painful, miserable day.  I dreaded it and hated it.  This year was better.  However, I still find that I have a difficult time celebrating this day.  This year people acknowledged that I am a mother.  However, I was a mother from the moment my first baby was conceived.  I only carried that sweet angel for 9 weeks, but I was a mother then.  I continue to be a mother now.  The biggest difference is that I have a live baby to hold and cuddle and love.  I think I also still have a hard time celebrating because all of the pain that I felt these last 3 years on Mother's Day is still pain that many infertile and BLMs feel.  It is not joyful for all.  However, I am eternally grateful that I got to hold my baby girl on this day.  I am so thankful for the joy she brings to my life.  I just still struggle to come to terms with this holiday.  I know the same could be said for other holidays, but this one is THE ONE that I had the most pain about. 

Tragedy also touched the lives of one of my husband's former classmates and his wife.  This couple also goes to church with us.  Their 4 month old baby boy passed away last week.  I am not completely sure why.  I know he was being treated for RSV, but not positive what his cause of death was.  He passed away during the late morning while he was at his baby sitter's house.  My heart is just broken for this family.  I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through.  Please keep them in your prayers.  Their loss makes me hug my baby even tighter and kiss her even more.  It is also terrifying because he was older than my sweet girl.  You just never really know what can happen at any moment.  I don't think I will ever understand why such horrible things happen in this world.  It just doesn't seem right or fair. 

I continue to appreciate and love my time with my sweet girl.  I will be returning to work in August.  I found a sitter that I really love!  We are going to stop by and visit with her a few times in the month of June.  In July, she is going to keep Charlotte 2-3 times a week while I work in my classroom and go to trainings.  Then Charlotte will go everyday once school starts.  I am really going to miss my precious time with her, but I have to work.  It's not an option.  We depend on both incomes to survive.  I also really love my job, and I have missed it.  I wish I could just bring her to school with me!  Then I could have the best of both worlds!  However, this is not an would never get done! 

I feel that I am in a good place and doing well.  I think I sometimes get sad when I think about how quickly she is growing.  I also try to prepare myself for the fact that this might be my only chance to watch a baby grow.  It was so difficult to get pregnant for her.  I have to face the reality that she might be my only one.  I can accept that and make peace with it.  I was not able to accept have no earthly children.  I was still years away from making peace or accepting that.  Thank God I didn't have to.  I can make peace with having one child even though I would love to have 2 at some point in time.  I will never take for granted how fortunate I am to have one healthy, earthly baby!  I am just going to take everything one day at a time and appreciate all that we have.

I'm sorry if this post is kind of all over the place.  I just wanted to get out some stuff that's been rolling through my head:)


  1. That is just terrible about the little baby boy. My heart goes out to his poor heartbroken parents. I'll never understand why these things happen either. Life is just so unfair.
    Although on a toatlly different scale, it is not fair that you should have to go back to work so early either. I realize how lucky I am every time I read on a blog that a mother has no other option. We have 16 months of payed parental leave here, that everyone just takes for granted, but it is a luxury for sure when compared to the situation in the rest of the world. I'm glad you have found a sitter you really like though, that's so important.
    As for making peace with the fact that you may not have any more children, that can be a difficult thing to do and, I'm glad that you feel as though you could. It's so wonderful that you have your Charlotte to fill your life with joy, even though making it through mother's day still is a bit of a struggle.

  2. Hi honey! I ditto everything Helene says above (except 16 months of leave - wow thats nice!). Big hugs, Im always thinking of you. Going back to work will be hard, but you are doing everyting you need to do to prepare...big hugs xoxoxo love, Nan