Still Here

Hello All! I hope you all had a joyful Thanksgiving holiday. I know I did...I ate very well:)

I am so sorry that I haven't been blogging much lately. I have been quite busy with work among many other things. I have just ended a week off from school for Thanksgiving break and it was much needed. I truly was exhausted!!!! My first weekend off I went on a girls trip with some girls from work to the beach in Gulf Shores, Alabama. It was a lot of fun. Right outside our condo, there were many, many butterflies. I thought about my sweet angel baby and the angel babies of all of my online friends that have offered me so much support. Here is a shot of one of those butterflies:)

The sight of the butterflies brought such a sense of peace and love to me.

I spent the rest of the week spending time with family and Christmas shopping. I am proud to say that my in-laws are the only people left to buy for. My husband is in charge of that! My husband and I also have to get gifts for each other. We are going to get each other a rocking recliner and video camera. Both baby related items that we will very much enjoy:)

Last month's prenatal visit went very well. Everything is right on track. I have another visit next week and I get an ultrasound this time! I am excited to get the chance to see my sweet girl again:)

I am currently 26 weeks 1 day now. I can't believe how far I've come. I am so thankful for her and I pray that everything continues to move smoothly. I still feel well. I only find that I am more easily exhausted.

I have to honestly say that I have not purchased even one item for our daughter. I thought I would, but I haven't. Many people have given us gifts, but I have not actually bought anything! I think part of me is still a bit paranoid. I am doing better and I love this child so very much, but sometimes doubt creeps up. These moments aren't as frequent as they used to be, but they still show up:( I just want to bring her home in March. I pray that it happens.

Good news is that I only have 3 weeks until I get 2 weeks off for winter break. My time at work will be more broken up now up until it's time for baby.

And now we know....

I had my ultrasound yesterday! We went for the ultrasound before we saw the doctor, and our sweet baby was all curled up and wouldn't show! I must admit I was pretty disappointed:( However, the awesome ultrasound tech said we just had to be patient and to come back after we saw the doctor. So we did, and after some wiggling and pushing, our baby showed us that.....











SHE IS A GIRL!!!!!

I am so thrilled I could just start crying all over again! Everything looked wonderful and I immediately have visions of dressing her up, like she is my very own live doll! Charlotte Leigh is the name we have chosen for our sweet girl! It is so wonderful to call her by name!!!

God is So Good

I just wanted to share with my blog friends how much I feel God is working in my life. First of all, my next doctor's visit and ultrasound are a short 8 days away. I usually feel so much anxiety when a doctor's visit is approaching. I feel so much peace about this appointment. I just feel like everything will be fine. I am so thankful for these peaceful feelings. I hope to also learn the gender of our baby. I initially did NOT want to know the gender, but I gave in to my husband. However, now that there is a date that I can possibly know, time has been really dragging! I really still do not care about what gender the baby is, but it will be so cool to know. I even told my husband in the car yesterday that in two weeks the excitement would be over because we would know the gender of our baby. He laughed and said that was when the fun could truly begin! I just love him to pieces.

I also continue to be in prayer for my parents who have really been struggling financially recently mostly because of the economy. My dad was laid off from his job a little over a year ago. Although he was fortunate enough to find a new job, his pay is probably close to half of what he used to make. They've really been struggling to make ends meet financially. My mom was mostly a stay at home mom when we were growing up, and her job skills are limited. She has been searching for a job, but it has been difficult. She has been cleaning offices a couple of days a week, but she is looking for more. My mom has a great job opportunity presented to her that will require her to input data on a computer. She is VERY nervous about it, and she is afraid she won't be smart enough to do it. Please say a prayer for her. I would love it if this were the job she was able to have. She would be off weekends, and she will have medical benefits. My mom and dad have been without insurance for a long time. They postpone medical check-ups because they are too expensive. Please just pray for her!

I believe this is God's answer to their financial woes! I just see Him working in my life in so many ways! I am continually in wonder!

I'm still here:)

Well, it's been a bit, but I am still here. I am still taking life one day at a time. I wanted to take a minute to share some things I've been feeling. This pregnancy is very different from my first. I was over the moon with joy for my first pregnancy. I was foolish enough to believe that if you got pregnant, then you have a baby nine months later. I am very happy about this pregnancy too, but my heart is somewhat guarded. Sometimes I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting for something bad to happen. I am getting better about the fear, but it still creeps up on me every now and again.


We started telling people at 13 weeks. I still didn't feel ready, but my hubby couldn't stand it anymore. He is just so happy. I really don't want to ruin this for him, so I agreed. I must admit it was pretty fun to tell people. It is cool to see how excited everyone was for us. So many more prayers are now being said for our sweet baby, and I am thankful for that. Anyway, I feel like people believe my heart is healed now. That everything is perfect because we have a baby on the way. Something that is hard for people to understand is that my heart will never be healed. A huge part of my heart will always be gone because my first child is not here. He/She is missing from our lives and NOTHING will change that. It doesn't matter how many children we eventually have....I will always miss my sweet baby. I guess some people don't understand that this never goes away.

I also feel so much guilt. A couple of people have asked if this is our first...and I said yes. It really breaks my heart, but it's so much easier than explaining. Explaining is difficult for me emotionally, and I don't want to get emotional with some people. I hate that my mom and mother in law are each telling people they are expecting their second grandchild. It just isn't true. This is my mom's fourth (counting my loss & my brother's loss) and my mother in law's third. Maybe they don't see it that way, or maybe they just find it easier to not have to explain. I can't fault them for something that I do myself. Everything can just be so confusing.

Please don't think that I am ungrateful for this pregnancy. I am very grateful and I still find it very hard to believe. I just knew this was the one place I could share my feelings.

So, onto happier things. I am officially 15 weeks pregnant. I went to the doctor Tuesday, and everything is still going fine. On most days, I don't feel pregnant at all. This was my first visit without an ultrasound, but I was okay with that because I still got to hear my baby's heartbeat.
The heartbeat was strong with 166 bpm. We go back in 4 weeks and if our little one cooperates we will find out if it is a boy or a girl. I find that to be very exciting. I really thought it would be really fun and exciting to not find out, but my husband REALLY wants to know. So, I am giving in. He said that if there is a next time we can do it my way.

We have even started talking baby names, and I think we have it narrowed down, but I will wait to share those later!

Please keep the prayers coming that everything continues to go smoothly!

2 Years...

Dear Baby Tyler,

If things had worked out for you, you would be 2 years old today. Mommy and Daddy still miss you so much. There will always be a piece of our lives that is missing and it's because you're gone. Even though you left this world so fast, you left very, very loved. I still think of you each and everyday sweet baby. Please watch over us.

Love you forever,
Mommy

My First OB Visit

Yesterday I went to my first OB visit. I must confess...I didn't sleep well the night before. I was very anxious. I am just so terrified this will all disappear in the blink of an eye. I think I've been doing well with pushing scary thoughts out of my head. However, when a doctor's visit is looming, I completely freak out. I think it just reminds me that this is real. I think it reminds me that this could go away at any moment. I didn't say I was right for thinking those things, but I feel them anyway.

My visit went extremely well. Dr. P did an ultrasound to make sure we are progressing. It was amazing. My last ultrasound was at 7w0d and our baby just looked like a dot. This time at 11w1d our baby actually looked like a baby:) Our sweet baby had a strong and steady heartbeat, and was waving that little are at us. I can't remember the exact number of beats per minute because I was just so stinking relieved that our baby was okay. Although I am 11w1d, the baby was measuring 10w5d which is fine because I know I ovulated late. This doesn't concern me at all.

The staff at Dr. P's office was amazing. They really babied me and took good care of me. I was honest and told them I was anxious, and I they were very reassuring. They said that I have the right to feel anxious. It's all part of human nature.

Dr. P decided to keep me on progesterone for 2 more weeks just to be safe. I'm fine with that too!

So, I am so thankful that everything is okay. I had a very good night's sleep last night. I cried all the way to work this morning because I am just so happy and thankful.

God is so good! I am praying that everything continues to go well. Thank you to the few of you that follow this blog. I appreciate your support. For those of you still TTC, please don't give up. Great things are possible....this I know for sure!

The Most Pregnant I've Ever Been....

Today I am 9w1d. I lost my last baby at 9w0d. It's official...I am the most pregnant I've ever been. I am so thankful. I was a bit nervous this weekend but I made it! This morning on the way to work I cried almost the whole way there because I am just so thankful. God is so good.

I am still not really having many symptoms that I am aware of. No morning sickness. However, my food preferences are ever changing. Many days, nothing sounds good. I am loving beef jerky and the hot tamales candy. I don't indulge to often, but I splurge every now and again.

I am also extremely exhausted! I've been working really hard to get my classroom ready for my brand new bunch of first graders. My summer break is officially over. I returned to school today for meetings and the students come tomorrow. I am excited to get started again! I can't wait to meet my new sweethearts!!

I have been thinking about buying a Doppler to hear my sweetie's heartbeat. Most things I've read have said they can't guarantee hearing the heartbeat until 12 weeks. Have any of you had success hearing it before then? I just wanted some suggestions. I am still uncertain if this is something I want to purchase for sure. It would provide me with some reassurance, but I also don't want it to make me even more paranoid than I already am. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!