Updates Again

Wow! I have so much to tell about what's been going on! On July 4, I decided to take a HPT because AF had still not arrived. Finally, after 2 and a half years we got our BFP. It still seems like a dream. I imagined that moment for so long that it still doesn't seem real now that it has finally happened.

I called my RE office and went in for blood work to check my beta levels and progesterone. Betas looked good but progesterone was a bit low, but they gave me medicine for that. Went back 2 days later for more blood work to make sure my betas were going up like they should, and they were! On Monday, we went for an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine, and it was. There was an itty bitty beanie in there and he/she had a heartbeat of 113. It was really surreal. I was also nervous about the ultrasound because I do not really have any symptoms. No morning sickness, etc. I know it sounds crazy, but I wish I did because it would make me feel better mentally. We were days away from our first ultrasound with our last pregnancy, but we never made it. This is a brand new experience for me. One that I am not taking for granted. I know how quickly this could all end. I am now released to my OB and I have my first appointment with him on Aug. 16.

I am very happy and excited, but the fear and the "what ifs" still creep up on me. Every little twinge of something makes me nervous. I am trying to give it to God. I know His plan for me is perfect. It is what it is...I am just trying to pray and have faith that we will be okay.

I am also thankful that I will still be off of work for most of the first trimester. I will actually work 3-4 weeks and then be in for the second trimester. I truly pray that we will make it this time. I am just so thankful for the chance.

Also, my hubby and I are leaving Sunday for our big vacation. We're heading to Las Vegas, and I am soooo excited.

So, for all of you prayerful people, please pray for a safe trip, a healthy pregnancy, a healthy delivery, and a healthy baby.

Our EDD is March 5, 2012.

Update on my TTC Journey

Let me begin this post by saying that I am still not pregnant. Should be no surprise...I am exactly in the same position that I've been in the last two and a half years.

I contacted my RE's office at the beginning of my new cycle, which was the beginning of June. The nurse said that I can move forward with treatment (ovulation meds) if I wanted to, but the doctor recommended 20 more pounds of weight loss to put me at the BMI that will offer a more optimal chance of pregnancy. Soooo, after some consideration, I have decided to wait. I don't want to spend the amount of money that I will have to spend without optimal chances of pregnancy. I know this is the smart thing to do. However, the impatient part of me that feels like I've waited FOREVER (actually just 2 and a half years) wants it NOW. I am trying to have faith, but I am feeling a little beat down.

I still feel the shame. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to become overweight. Part of me feels like it doesn't matter how hard I try I keep getting denied. I've lost 27 pounds, but it still isn't good enough. On the other hand, I understand why. I just pray that I find the strength and self control to drop more pounds. At least now I have a number of pounds to reach. I have a goal to work toward. I was never given a number before, which was probably for the best because telling me to lose 50 pounds would have felt unreachable for me. Now that I've dropped 27, I have the confidence to lose 20 more. I KNOW I can do it, but it's so darn hard.

I am not completely discouraged though. I can't explain it, but my prayer for peace has been answered. I am not nearly as upset or disappointed as I would have thought I'd been. I am so thankful for that. It's very much what I need.

Another tad bit of encouragement....the RE also wants me to do OPK tests. I agreed, but was skeptical because the only time I've ever gotten a positive OPK was when I was taking Clomid. I use the digital OPK because sometimes I have a difficult time telling if there are 2 lines or not on the other kind. That makes me feel like a complete idiot!! Anyway, on CD 20 I got my first ever happy face all by myself. This may have occurred previously, but I haven't tested in awhile because of my frustration with everything. I felt that I just needed a break. So, I am encouraged by the smiley face. Maybe the weight loss is beginning to help my body do what it's supposed to. I am hopeful of that anyway. My hubby was as excited about the smiley face as I was. He even was so bold as to say maybe this will be our month. I told him that was a great thought, but I couldn't really let myself get my hopes up about it. The disappointment just intensifies when I do that. He understood, gave me a hug and said that he will still love me either way. He's pretty awesome:)

Back to the weight loss...I am at a plateau. I can't seem to drop anything lately. I must confess my diet hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been awful either. I've increased my exercise time. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I do Active 2 workout on the Wii. Beleive me, this is not sissy stuff. I also use my couch to 5K ap on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I have made it to week 4. The rain prevented me for doing as many days as I needed to this week, and I don't currently own a treadmill. On Wednesday and Sunday I let my body rest.

If anyone can offer and advice, encouragement, or help with my weight struggle, please let me know. I would appreciate anything!

So, I still feel I am moving forward, even though it isn't as quickly as I wish it would be. I am down at the moment, but not out. I also have a lot going on in my life that is not fertility related, but I will save that for another post. I can't wait to share some of the other aspects of my life!

Mothers Day and Other Updates

I am very pleased to inform you all that I survived my cousin's wedding and Mother's Day. Neither were as difficult as I thought they would be. Praise God!

The wedding was fine and I actually had a good time. I got to catch up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in quite awhile. The only thing missing was my hubby:)

I did skip church on Mother's Day. I just couldn't do it. It was too painful. I slept out of town the night of the wedding, and my husband had a couple of surprises for me when I got home. The entire house was clean from top to bottom. He had some roses for me in a vase on our kitchen table. He had a card from our animals (including paw stickers). I also had a gift certificate for a massage at a local spa. I was so touched. It turned out to be a peaceful Mother's Day. The only thing missing was our baby. My husband did such a good job of taking a day that I was dreading and turning it into something completely different. I really do love him so very much.

On a different note, please keep the people of South Louisiana in your prayers as there will be flooding this week. The town my mom and dad live in is in danger of high water. We spent the day getting things straight at her house. Sandbagging is exhausting!! I am worried about all of these people and animals.

Thanks!!

Spring Break

Whew! Well, this is it! My spring break is officially over. Tomorrow morning I will have to wake up early and return to work, and I CAN'T WAIT! I really missed my students and I can't wait to be greeted by 21 sleepy faces tomorrow morning. It will take them a few days to get used to waking up early(just like me). I had a nice break. It started out difficult, but it got better. I completed everything I wanted to get done.

Good Friday and Easter were just as difficult as I anticipated. Everything was about baby and pregnancy because most of my cousins either have kids or are pregnant. It made me so sad. However, I survived. I went through the motions and I survived. That's all I really have to say about it.

On Wednesday, I met with the preacher from the church I grew up going to. I was nervous talking to him, but I knew he would be understanding. He and his wife have suffered multiple losses and a failed adoption. I felt better after speaking with him because he reassured me that I am NORMAL. Even though I feel so insane sometimes, I am NORMAL. It was nice to have some reassurance.

I have a wedding that I have to go to this weekend without my husband because he has to stay in town for work, and the wedding is out of town. Pre-miscarriage this would have never been a problem. Post-miscarriage, I really depend on him to be there for me. I hate going to social functions without him. Sometimes I just need to lean on him. I am not looking forward to it:( Because the wedding is out of town, I am going to stay the night. My parents and sister are staying too. I think I've decided that I am not going to church on Sunday. Going to church on Mother's Day will be just too hard for me (especially without my husband). I hope God forgives me.

AF will be arriving any day now. I can feel it. Just ready for it to come and get it over with. I think I've decided for sure to wait one more cycle before calling my RE to get started on another ovulation medication. It will be so much easier for me to go in for ultrasounds and stuff in June when I will not be working. Because of where my RE is located I would have to leave work early or come in late to get the ultrasounds done. I'd rather not have anyone notice that. I don't want any expectations. It will also give me some more time to drop a few more pounds. I've stalled the last few weeks and I ate everything in sight this last week while I was off. Any comments or suggestions about me waiting until June would be greatly appreciated. I am always second guessing myself.

I really am excited to head back to work tomorrow. Only four more weeks until summer!

Meltdowns and Masterpieces

Well, the last week or so has been a bit of a roller coaster. I've had a series of meltdowns, and it really, really sucks. I think the series of meltdowns was triggered by my visit to my gynecologist's office for my yearly visit. It is so dang hard to go there. It has been the sight of one of my most exciting days, and probably the most nightmarish, heartbreaking day of my life. It is so hard to remember the good...being pregnant. The bad haunts me...my miscarriage. I really had a meltdown when the nurse put me in the same room that I was in when I waited for him to confirm my miscarriage. Looking at that painting on the wall made me sick. It was so hard. It brought so much back to me. So much pain. I cried most of the way home. To be honest, I've had a hard time getting myself out of this rut.

I've been extremely emotional and the emotion I've been feeling most is sad. I have been so busy, and it is hard. I went to my pregnant cousin's wedding shower. Of course it turned into a shower in which everyone talked about her baby. I went to another cousin's wedding shower(not pregnant) in which my pregnant cousin sat near my mom and I and talked about nothing but baby stuff the entire time. I am really disappointed in my cousin because she lost a baby last year early on in her pregnancy. She knows how much it hurts. She would call me crying and upset about the exact same things she's doing now:( She has so easily moved on and forgotten what it's like to be in this place of hurt. She got pregnant her very first try after her fiancee returned home. I guess she just doesn't understand what it's like to try, try, and try only to fail. Failing again and again and again. Now I feel that she just rubs her pregnancy in my infertile face. I know I am probably just overly sensitive. I've endured even more pregnancy announcements. Tomorrow my sister in law and my cousin will be finding out the sex of their babies. It's also my grandmother's birthday(the grandmother that passed away 8 days before my wedding). Tomorrow isn't even here yet, and I already feel anxiety and hurt about what is to come. Does it ever end? Good Friday is a big family gathering that my family always has. There will be many pregnant bellies and babies. I am very much dreading it.

Mother's Day is also quickly approaching. I DESPISE Mother's Day. That day is so hurtful to me (as well as the guilt I feel on Father's Day that my husband is not a father to an earthly child). This day is soooooooo hard. I hate it. If I ever do have a child of my own that stays on this earth for me to love and take care of, I don't know if I will ever view Mother's Day the same way again. I don't know if that is a holiday I can celebrate because it's brought me so much pain. This will be my third Mother's Day since my miscarriage. The pain still feels so raw.

Now, on to some positive(ish) things I've been doing to keep myself busy. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a Lady Gaga concert. First of all, let me say that I find her music to be catchy and dance worthy. That being said, she kind of scares the crap out of me. I agreed to go with a friend who very badly wanted to go. I was totally blown away at her performance. That girl can sing!!! Her show was very theatrical and VERY entertaining. I had a blast with my friend.

On Sunday afternoon, I attended a "Margaritas and Masterpieces" party at a co-worker's house. I didn't enjoy margaritas, but I did attempt to create a "masterpiece". It was fun if nothing else.

On another note, after Thursday, I will be off of work until Monday, May 2. I am looking forward to a mental break from my precious students. Spring break is late this year, and I need to get recharged to complete the month of May. I am hoping good, positive days are coming soon. I need some good.

Here is my first attempt at painting...Remember it was my first try!!!

Inspiring and Refreshing Weekend

I had an GREAT weekend. I also had an extended weekend because I took the day off on Friday. My sister invited me to go with her to a Joyce Meyer conference in Baton Rouge. So, my sister and I were part of a group of family and friends (7 women total plus my co-worker and her sister met up with us on Saturday) that loaded up and headed to Baton Rouge on Friday. I LEARNED so much and I can't wait to share the things I realized about myself and about my life. Let me begin by saying that I have never heard of Joyce Meyer before. It was not until she came out on stage that I realized that I had seen her on TV before, but I can honestly say I had never really watched her. I just noticed her while flipping through the channels.

We went to the conference on Friday night and Saturday morning. We had to get there early, and we were able to get great seats. Most importantly, I really feel that several things Joyce Meyer discussed were speaking directly to me and my life.

One thing she said was that you must do what's right for the rest of your life because it's the right thing to do. Even if your heart isn't in it. Even if you don't feel like it. Do it especially if you don't feel like it...because it's the right thing to do. There are so many things I don't feel like doing. I have mentioned before that I often times dread family functions. I have 2 bridal showers quickly approaching. I really don't feel like going. But I know that going is the right thing to do. I think I attempted to smooth over some broken edges in my life last week, but I will save that information for another post:) Stay tuned for that. Anyway, I realized that doing somethings aren't going to be fun for me, but the right thing to do is to celebrate the family that I have. They really are well meaning, even if I don't feel that way sometimes. I am really blessed to have family in my life.

Joyce Meyer said "Complain & Remain" or "Praise and Be Raised". In retrospect I do complain way too much. I need to praise God and trust in Him to see the changes in myself. Complaining and self-pity are not going to get me anywhere. Complaining is not going to take away the miscarriage or my desire to have children. Complaining is not going to give me children. Complaining just keeps me discouraged and unhappy. As long as I praise God, He will give me the love and peace that I need to stay faithful and hopeful.

Joyce Meyer also said that God likes variety because we are all so different. We all need to do a better job of NOT judging others. I think I judge others without even realizing it. I have to remember that God wants me to respect ALL people. Joyce Meyer said that we should remember that we are as good as everybody else, but not better than everybody else. So many times I feel that I am more deserving of a baby than some of the others I have seen. I have to remember that I am not better than anyone.

She also talked about bargaining with God. For example, if God just does one thing for me then I will never do something else again. She said what we need to tell God is that I will definitely do it again if You don't help me! I have to remember to ask for help when I need it! There are too many times I believe I can do it on my own.

Another thing she said that really tugged at my heart is that we become so selfish. I pray for my needs and desires. I worry about how people make me feel. I need to open my heart and mind to God. I need to spend more time praying for the needs of others, and less time focusing on myself.


And finally, the one thing that I feel was most important for me to hear...Some people spend so much time grieving that they take on a grieving spirit. I feel that this describes me. We are allowed time to grieve. Back in days long ago, it was 30 days and then people had to get back to the land of the living. I have been grieving for 26 long heartbreaking months. I have been grieving for so long that I have not been living. I have lost touch with many people that I was once close to. Mostly because I haven't been able to live. I have been consumed with grief. I need to take baby steps back into the land of the living.

So--there is a summary of what I have learned this weekend. I have an uplifted heart and I feel hope for the future. I BELIEVE my husband and I will have children. I believe this with all my heart. I feel positive and revived. I feel inspired and closer to Christ. I know that I am not going to feel this way everyday. I know that it is going to take more time for me to get to an even better place. I know I will still have days when I am sad and disappointed. I am going to try very hard to handle it differently.

Since I really didn't even know who Joyce Meyer was until this weekend, I have never read any of her books. I am thinking of reading Battlefield of the Mind. Anyone read it before? Any other suggestions for good reading? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!! I hope you all had great weekends as well!!

How has miscarriage & infertility changed me?

This is post that I've had rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now. I was looking at our wedding & honeymoon pictures, and I thought about how different I was then. I realized that although our wedding & honeymoon were about 2 and a half years ago, I have changed so much. Almost all of those changes have come from my experiences with my miscarriage and infertility. Now keep in mind that these changes are about ME. I can speak for no one else. This is just how I feel I have changed during this time. Many of the changes are not for the best, but some of them are.

Let me start with the negative, so that I can end on a positive note.

I am no longer the innocent happy-go-lucky girl from that happy time. I am no longer that girl who believes that when you get pregnant you get to have a baby 9 months later. I am no longer the girl who finds it easy to feel hopeful for the future. Hope and happiness are things that I have to work hard and pray for. Both were things that used to be so easy for me.

Jealousy, anger, and bitterness were never, ever a big part of my personality. Now I find it difficult NOT to feel one of these things. I am jealous of those who are so easily handed the gift I long for. I am angry that it is so easy for them, and it makes me VERY bitter to feel this way.

I used to feel such joy and peace when seeing pregnant bellies and small children. I would just picture what it would be like when it was my turn. Now it just breaks my heart. It reminds me of all of what could have been, all that I've lost, and all that I might not ever have.

I used to be a social butterfly. I loved to go places with different friends. I used to enjoy every one's company. Now I find it a big chore to mingle with others. Talk always turns to children and pregnancy. It is just too hard to deal with sometimes. I am finding it easier to stay home and immerse myself with the online community of friends who do understand. I find it easier to immerse myself in books and movies because it is easier to pretend than to deal with my reality.

I used to look forward to holidays because it is the few times a year I get to spend time with my extended family(aunts, uncles, cousins, etc,). Now I dread it. I spend weeks dreading it. Being around my extended family makes me sad. It makes me feel like a failure. It reminds me so very much of all that I've lost and all that I long to have. Many of my cousins, all younger than I are painful reminders of this.

I question my self-worth. Am I worthy enough to even deserve a chance to be a mother? Have I done enough to deserve such an amazing gift? What have I done to deserve such heart ache and loss? What can I do to make it right? How much more will this hurt? When will it be enough?

Now, on to more positive changes.

My husband and I are stronger than we ever anticipated. Through every frustration and failure, we have survived. Our relationship is stronger than ever. He has been more supportive and understanding than I deserve. In times of anger and frustration, it is so easy to lash out at the one who is there the most. Every breakdown I've had, he has endured and supported. He is so much more than I ever deserved. Life would be unbearable without him.

I am drawn closer to God. Even in my worst fits of anger, even when it's directed at Him, He loves me and forgives me. His mercy and love never cease to amaze me. Even when I feel that He is against me, I know deep down that He is there to comfort me. I find deeper meaning in His Word, and I try very hard to put His commands to use each and every day. I know that I can do more, and He forgives me when I fall short.

I learned what true friends are, and who they are. I lost some friends. Friends who got pregnant, friends who had babies, friends who find it easier to remain close to those who are able to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. I know that some friends do not want to hurt me. However, them abandoning me when I needed them most is what hurt most of all. I was doing my best to deal with the rest. Anyway, there are a few who have stuck by me. No matter what. My mom, dad, sister, and brother have stuck by me no matter what. Two particular friends who may not understand my journey have done their absolute best to make me feel loved and supported. Their loyalty and support have meant more to me than words can even begin to express.

Because of my own emotional struggles, I have learned to be more patient and understanding with others. My struggles have made me more compassionate. Sometimes people just need an ear to listen. Sometimes the words that others believe are helpful are really quite hurtful. Sometimes it's best to just be quiet and listen. Offering others an ear is all that is needed sometimes.

I am incredibly thankful to technology and the world of the Internet. I have found people who truly understand my thoughts and feelings. The do not judge me for it. They just understand it. The blogging community is the single most reason I don't feel totally alone. I've gained so much support and guidance from the amazing people who blog. Thank you to everyone who reads my blog and offers me support. Without it I would feel totally alone.

Well, there it is. A rather lengthy post, but it tells what's been rolling around in my head for awhile now. Remember that this is only a reflection of what I feel.