Mothers Day and Other Updates

I am very pleased to inform you all that I survived my cousin's wedding and Mother's Day. Neither were as difficult as I thought they would be. Praise God!

The wedding was fine and I actually had a good time. I got to catch up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in quite awhile. The only thing missing was my hubby:)

I did skip church on Mother's Day. I just couldn't do it. It was too painful. I slept out of town the night of the wedding, and my husband had a couple of surprises for me when I got home. The entire house was clean from top to bottom. He had some roses for me in a vase on our kitchen table. He had a card from our animals (including paw stickers). I also had a gift certificate for a massage at a local spa. I was so touched. It turned out to be a peaceful Mother's Day. The only thing missing was our baby. My husband did such a good job of taking a day that I was dreading and turning it into something completely different. I really do love him so very much.

On a different note, please keep the people of South Louisiana in your prayers as there will be flooding this week. The town my mom and dad live in is in danger of high water. We spent the day getting things straight at her house. Sandbagging is exhausting!! I am worried about all of these people and animals.

Thanks!!

Spring Break

Whew! Well, this is it! My spring break is officially over. Tomorrow morning I will have to wake up early and return to work, and I CAN'T WAIT! I really missed my students and I can't wait to be greeted by 21 sleepy faces tomorrow morning. It will take them a few days to get used to waking up early(just like me). I had a nice break. It started out difficult, but it got better. I completed everything I wanted to get done.

Good Friday and Easter were just as difficult as I anticipated. Everything was about baby and pregnancy because most of my cousins either have kids or are pregnant. It made me so sad. However, I survived. I went through the motions and I survived. That's all I really have to say about it.

On Wednesday, I met with the preacher from the church I grew up going to. I was nervous talking to him, but I knew he would be understanding. He and his wife have suffered multiple losses and a failed adoption. I felt better after speaking with him because he reassured me that I am NORMAL. Even though I feel so insane sometimes, I am NORMAL. It was nice to have some reassurance.

I have a wedding that I have to go to this weekend without my husband because he has to stay in town for work, and the wedding is out of town. Pre-miscarriage this would have never been a problem. Post-miscarriage, I really depend on him to be there for me. I hate going to social functions without him. Sometimes I just need to lean on him. I am not looking forward to it:( Because the wedding is out of town, I am going to stay the night. My parents and sister are staying too. I think I've decided that I am not going to church on Sunday. Going to church on Mother's Day will be just too hard for me (especially without my husband). I hope God forgives me.

AF will be arriving any day now. I can feel it. Just ready for it to come and get it over with. I think I've decided for sure to wait one more cycle before calling my RE to get started on another ovulation medication. It will be so much easier for me to go in for ultrasounds and stuff in June when I will not be working. Because of where my RE is located I would have to leave work early or come in late to get the ultrasounds done. I'd rather not have anyone notice that. I don't want any expectations. It will also give me some more time to drop a few more pounds. I've stalled the last few weeks and I ate everything in sight this last week while I was off. Any comments or suggestions about me waiting until June would be greatly appreciated. I am always second guessing myself.

I really am excited to head back to work tomorrow. Only four more weeks until summer!

Meltdowns and Masterpieces

Well, the last week or so has been a bit of a roller coaster. I've had a series of meltdowns, and it really, really sucks. I think the series of meltdowns was triggered by my visit to my gynecologist's office for my yearly visit. It is so dang hard to go there. It has been the sight of one of my most exciting days, and probably the most nightmarish, heartbreaking day of my life. It is so hard to remember the good...being pregnant. The bad haunts me...my miscarriage. I really had a meltdown when the nurse put me in the same room that I was in when I waited for him to confirm my miscarriage. Looking at that painting on the wall made me sick. It was so hard. It brought so much back to me. So much pain. I cried most of the way home. To be honest, I've had a hard time getting myself out of this rut.

I've been extremely emotional and the emotion I've been feeling most is sad. I have been so busy, and it is hard. I went to my pregnant cousin's wedding shower. Of course it turned into a shower in which everyone talked about her baby. I went to another cousin's wedding shower(not pregnant) in which my pregnant cousin sat near my mom and I and talked about nothing but baby stuff the entire time. I am really disappointed in my cousin because she lost a baby last year early on in her pregnancy. She knows how much it hurts. She would call me crying and upset about the exact same things she's doing now:( She has so easily moved on and forgotten what it's like to be in this place of hurt. She got pregnant her very first try after her fiancee returned home. I guess she just doesn't understand what it's like to try, try, and try only to fail. Failing again and again and again. Now I feel that she just rubs her pregnancy in my infertile face. I know I am probably just overly sensitive. I've endured even more pregnancy announcements. Tomorrow my sister in law and my cousin will be finding out the sex of their babies. It's also my grandmother's birthday(the grandmother that passed away 8 days before my wedding). Tomorrow isn't even here yet, and I already feel anxiety and hurt about what is to come. Does it ever end? Good Friday is a big family gathering that my family always has. There will be many pregnant bellies and babies. I am very much dreading it.

Mother's Day is also quickly approaching. I DESPISE Mother's Day. That day is so hurtful to me (as well as the guilt I feel on Father's Day that my husband is not a father to an earthly child). This day is soooooooo hard. I hate it. If I ever do have a child of my own that stays on this earth for me to love and take care of, I don't know if I will ever view Mother's Day the same way again. I don't know if that is a holiday I can celebrate because it's brought me so much pain. This will be my third Mother's Day since my miscarriage. The pain still feels so raw.

Now, on to some positive(ish) things I've been doing to keep myself busy. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a Lady Gaga concert. First of all, let me say that I find her music to be catchy and dance worthy. That being said, she kind of scares the crap out of me. I agreed to go with a friend who very badly wanted to go. I was totally blown away at her performance. That girl can sing!!! Her show was very theatrical and VERY entertaining. I had a blast with my friend.

On Sunday afternoon, I attended a "Margaritas and Masterpieces" party at a co-worker's house. I didn't enjoy margaritas, but I did attempt to create a "masterpiece". It was fun if nothing else.

On another note, after Thursday, I will be off of work until Monday, May 2. I am looking forward to a mental break from my precious students. Spring break is late this year, and I need to get recharged to complete the month of May. I am hoping good, positive days are coming soon. I need some good.

Here is my first attempt at painting...Remember it was my first try!!!

Inspiring and Refreshing Weekend

I had an GREAT weekend. I also had an extended weekend because I took the day off on Friday. My sister invited me to go with her to a Joyce Meyer conference in Baton Rouge. So, my sister and I were part of a group of family and friends (7 women total plus my co-worker and her sister met up with us on Saturday) that loaded up and headed to Baton Rouge on Friday. I LEARNED so much and I can't wait to share the things I realized about myself and about my life. Let me begin by saying that I have never heard of Joyce Meyer before. It was not until she came out on stage that I realized that I had seen her on TV before, but I can honestly say I had never really watched her. I just noticed her while flipping through the channels.

We went to the conference on Friday night and Saturday morning. We had to get there early, and we were able to get great seats. Most importantly, I really feel that several things Joyce Meyer discussed were speaking directly to me and my life.

One thing she said was that you must do what's right for the rest of your life because it's the right thing to do. Even if your heart isn't in it. Even if you don't feel like it. Do it especially if you don't feel like it...because it's the right thing to do. There are so many things I don't feel like doing. I have mentioned before that I often times dread family functions. I have 2 bridal showers quickly approaching. I really don't feel like going. But I know that going is the right thing to do. I think I attempted to smooth over some broken edges in my life last week, but I will save that information for another post:) Stay tuned for that. Anyway, I realized that doing somethings aren't going to be fun for me, but the right thing to do is to celebrate the family that I have. They really are well meaning, even if I don't feel that way sometimes. I am really blessed to have family in my life.

Joyce Meyer said "Complain & Remain" or "Praise and Be Raised". In retrospect I do complain way too much. I need to praise God and trust in Him to see the changes in myself. Complaining and self-pity are not going to get me anywhere. Complaining is not going to take away the miscarriage or my desire to have children. Complaining is not going to give me children. Complaining just keeps me discouraged and unhappy. As long as I praise God, He will give me the love and peace that I need to stay faithful and hopeful.

Joyce Meyer also said that God likes variety because we are all so different. We all need to do a better job of NOT judging others. I think I judge others without even realizing it. I have to remember that God wants me to respect ALL people. Joyce Meyer said that we should remember that we are as good as everybody else, but not better than everybody else. So many times I feel that I am more deserving of a baby than some of the others I have seen. I have to remember that I am not better than anyone.

She also talked about bargaining with God. For example, if God just does one thing for me then I will never do something else again. She said what we need to tell God is that I will definitely do it again if You don't help me! I have to remember to ask for help when I need it! There are too many times I believe I can do it on my own.

Another thing she said that really tugged at my heart is that we become so selfish. I pray for my needs and desires. I worry about how people make me feel. I need to open my heart and mind to God. I need to spend more time praying for the needs of others, and less time focusing on myself.


And finally, the one thing that I feel was most important for me to hear...Some people spend so much time grieving that they take on a grieving spirit. I feel that this describes me. We are allowed time to grieve. Back in days long ago, it was 30 days and then people had to get back to the land of the living. I have been grieving for 26 long heartbreaking months. I have been grieving for so long that I have not been living. I have lost touch with many people that I was once close to. Mostly because I haven't been able to live. I have been consumed with grief. I need to take baby steps back into the land of the living.

So--there is a summary of what I have learned this weekend. I have an uplifted heart and I feel hope for the future. I BELIEVE my husband and I will have children. I believe this with all my heart. I feel positive and revived. I feel inspired and closer to Christ. I know that I am not going to feel this way everyday. I know that it is going to take more time for me to get to an even better place. I know I will still have days when I am sad and disappointed. I am going to try very hard to handle it differently.

Since I really didn't even know who Joyce Meyer was until this weekend, I have never read any of her books. I am thinking of reading Battlefield of the Mind. Anyone read it before? Any other suggestions for good reading? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!! I hope you all had great weekends as well!!

How has miscarriage & infertility changed me?

This is post that I've had rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now. I was looking at our wedding & honeymoon pictures, and I thought about how different I was then. I realized that although our wedding & honeymoon were about 2 and a half years ago, I have changed so much. Almost all of those changes have come from my experiences with my miscarriage and infertility. Now keep in mind that these changes are about ME. I can speak for no one else. This is just how I feel I have changed during this time. Many of the changes are not for the best, but some of them are.

Let me start with the negative, so that I can end on a positive note.

I am no longer the innocent happy-go-lucky girl from that happy time. I am no longer that girl who believes that when you get pregnant you get to have a baby 9 months later. I am no longer the girl who finds it easy to feel hopeful for the future. Hope and happiness are things that I have to work hard and pray for. Both were things that used to be so easy for me.

Jealousy, anger, and bitterness were never, ever a big part of my personality. Now I find it difficult NOT to feel one of these things. I am jealous of those who are so easily handed the gift I long for. I am angry that it is so easy for them, and it makes me VERY bitter to feel this way.

I used to feel such joy and peace when seeing pregnant bellies and small children. I would just picture what it would be like when it was my turn. Now it just breaks my heart. It reminds me of all of what could have been, all that I've lost, and all that I might not ever have.

I used to be a social butterfly. I loved to go places with different friends. I used to enjoy every one's company. Now I find it a big chore to mingle with others. Talk always turns to children and pregnancy. It is just too hard to deal with sometimes. I am finding it easier to stay home and immerse myself with the online community of friends who do understand. I find it easier to immerse myself in books and movies because it is easier to pretend than to deal with my reality.

I used to look forward to holidays because it is the few times a year I get to spend time with my extended family(aunts, uncles, cousins, etc,). Now I dread it. I spend weeks dreading it. Being around my extended family makes me sad. It makes me feel like a failure. It reminds me so very much of all that I've lost and all that I long to have. Many of my cousins, all younger than I are painful reminders of this.

I question my self-worth. Am I worthy enough to even deserve a chance to be a mother? Have I done enough to deserve such an amazing gift? What have I done to deserve such heart ache and loss? What can I do to make it right? How much more will this hurt? When will it be enough?

Now, on to more positive changes.

My husband and I are stronger than we ever anticipated. Through every frustration and failure, we have survived. Our relationship is stronger than ever. He has been more supportive and understanding than I deserve. In times of anger and frustration, it is so easy to lash out at the one who is there the most. Every breakdown I've had, he has endured and supported. He is so much more than I ever deserved. Life would be unbearable without him.

I am drawn closer to God. Even in my worst fits of anger, even when it's directed at Him, He loves me and forgives me. His mercy and love never cease to amaze me. Even when I feel that He is against me, I know deep down that He is there to comfort me. I find deeper meaning in His Word, and I try very hard to put His commands to use each and every day. I know that I can do more, and He forgives me when I fall short.

I learned what true friends are, and who they are. I lost some friends. Friends who got pregnant, friends who had babies, friends who find it easier to remain close to those who are able to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. I know that some friends do not want to hurt me. However, them abandoning me when I needed them most is what hurt most of all. I was doing my best to deal with the rest. Anyway, there are a few who have stuck by me. No matter what. My mom, dad, sister, and brother have stuck by me no matter what. Two particular friends who may not understand my journey have done their absolute best to make me feel loved and supported. Their loyalty and support have meant more to me than words can even begin to express.

Because of my own emotional struggles, I have learned to be more patient and understanding with others. My struggles have made me more compassionate. Sometimes people just need an ear to listen. Sometimes the words that others believe are helpful are really quite hurtful. Sometimes it's best to just be quiet and listen. Offering others an ear is all that is needed sometimes.

I am incredibly thankful to technology and the world of the Internet. I have found people who truly understand my thoughts and feelings. The do not judge me for it. They just understand it. The blogging community is the single most reason I don't feel totally alone. I've gained so much support and guidance from the amazing people who blog. Thank you to everyone who reads my blog and offers me support. Without it I would feel totally alone.

Well, there it is. A rather lengthy post, but it tells what's been rolling around in my head for awhile now. Remember that this is only a reflection of what I feel.

Doing Better Than Expected

Well, I find myself in the same position once again. AF arrived with a vengeance on Thursday morning. Usually I go into a bit of a slump the first few days (or weeks) after AF arrives. However, I am doing well this round. I knew not to expect too much this round because my body did nothing it was supposed to. Temps were all over the place. If I had to guess, I would say that I didn't even ovulate this month. Doesn't take a genius to know that you can't get pregnant if you don't ovulate. Anyhow, I am really okay. I didn't have much hope for this cycle, so the failure doesn't sting.

I had another great weekend. The hubby and I spent Saturday a motorcycle stunt show thing. There is a fancy word for it, but I can't think of the word right now. I found it to be a little nerve wracking, but entertaining. It was just nice to be out as a couple. Lately I've been busy doing things with others. We got the house cleaned up yesterday. I watched the Oscars last night, and I stayed up way later than what I should. Tonight I'm exhausted and looking forward to heading to bed early.

Pretty boring post, but all in all I am feeling good and doing well. The dieting and exercising is still progressing slowly but surely.

I am really looking forward to this Friday because I only have a 2 day work week next week. Thank God Louisiana celebrates Mardi Gras!

A Great Weekend...

I had a pretty great weekend. I am reminded that despite my struggles, my disappointment, and my frustration--I still have a life to live. I feel like sometimes I become so consumed with TTC and grieving for the loss that I am missing out on life.

I had a really great weekend. Friday night I went to bed early(as a first grade teacher I am super-exhausted on Friday nights and it is nearly impossible for me to stay up past 9). Saturday night my friend S and I (who not only worked together in college, but also shared an apartment with) went to a Brad Paisley concert. We had so much fun. Just us two girls. It was so nice to get out and have fun. I didn't get home until 2!!! I can't even begin to tell you the last time I stayed out so late!

The hubby and I also discussed other plans. Because our insurance covers no IF costs, our finances are more strained. It is really quite frustrating. However, my hubby and I decided that we are going to plan to go on a cruise for our anniversary in November. It is still a long time away, so we will have something to look forward to. I think what we concluded is that this is a very stressful and difficult time in our lives. Come what may, we don't want to look back years from now and not have any or few positive memories. Life is happening all around us, and I don't feel like we are a part of it anymore.

So, this is it for now. We are trying to get back in the game of Life. Wish us luck!