How has miscarriage & infertility changed me?

This is post that I've had rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now. I was looking at our wedding & honeymoon pictures, and I thought about how different I was then. I realized that although our wedding & honeymoon were about 2 and a half years ago, I have changed so much. Almost all of those changes have come from my experiences with my miscarriage and infertility. Now keep in mind that these changes are about ME. I can speak for no one else. This is just how I feel I have changed during this time. Many of the changes are not for the best, but some of them are.

Let me start with the negative, so that I can end on a positive note.

I am no longer the innocent happy-go-lucky girl from that happy time. I am no longer that girl who believes that when you get pregnant you get to have a baby 9 months later. I am no longer the girl who finds it easy to feel hopeful for the future. Hope and happiness are things that I have to work hard and pray for. Both were things that used to be so easy for me.

Jealousy, anger, and bitterness were never, ever a big part of my personality. Now I find it difficult NOT to feel one of these things. I am jealous of those who are so easily handed the gift I long for. I am angry that it is so easy for them, and it makes me VERY bitter to feel this way.

I used to feel such joy and peace when seeing pregnant bellies and small children. I would just picture what it would be like when it was my turn. Now it just breaks my heart. It reminds me of all of what could have been, all that I've lost, and all that I might not ever have.

I used to be a social butterfly. I loved to go places with different friends. I used to enjoy every one's company. Now I find it a big chore to mingle with others. Talk always turns to children and pregnancy. It is just too hard to deal with sometimes. I am finding it easier to stay home and immerse myself with the online community of friends who do understand. I find it easier to immerse myself in books and movies because it is easier to pretend than to deal with my reality.

I used to look forward to holidays because it is the few times a year I get to spend time with my extended family(aunts, uncles, cousins, etc,). Now I dread it. I spend weeks dreading it. Being around my extended family makes me sad. It makes me feel like a failure. It reminds me so very much of all that I've lost and all that I long to have. Many of my cousins, all younger than I are painful reminders of this.

I question my self-worth. Am I worthy enough to even deserve a chance to be a mother? Have I done enough to deserve such an amazing gift? What have I done to deserve such heart ache and loss? What can I do to make it right? How much more will this hurt? When will it be enough?

Now, on to more positive changes.

My husband and I are stronger than we ever anticipated. Through every frustration and failure, we have survived. Our relationship is stronger than ever. He has been more supportive and understanding than I deserve. In times of anger and frustration, it is so easy to lash out at the one who is there the most. Every breakdown I've had, he has endured and supported. He is so much more than I ever deserved. Life would be unbearable without him.

I am drawn closer to God. Even in my worst fits of anger, even when it's directed at Him, He loves me and forgives me. His mercy and love never cease to amaze me. Even when I feel that He is against me, I know deep down that He is there to comfort me. I find deeper meaning in His Word, and I try very hard to put His commands to use each and every day. I know that I can do more, and He forgives me when I fall short.

I learned what true friends are, and who they are. I lost some friends. Friends who got pregnant, friends who had babies, friends who find it easier to remain close to those who are able to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. I know that some friends do not want to hurt me. However, them abandoning me when I needed them most is what hurt most of all. I was doing my best to deal with the rest. Anyway, there are a few who have stuck by me. No matter what. My mom, dad, sister, and brother have stuck by me no matter what. Two particular friends who may not understand my journey have done their absolute best to make me feel loved and supported. Their loyalty and support have meant more to me than words can even begin to express.

Because of my own emotional struggles, I have learned to be more patient and understanding with others. My struggles have made me more compassionate. Sometimes people just need an ear to listen. Sometimes the words that others believe are helpful are really quite hurtful. Sometimes it's best to just be quiet and listen. Offering others an ear is all that is needed sometimes.

I am incredibly thankful to technology and the world of the Internet. I have found people who truly understand my thoughts and feelings. The do not judge me for it. They just understand it. The blogging community is the single most reason I don't feel totally alone. I've gained so much support and guidance from the amazing people who blog. Thank you to everyone who reads my blog and offers me support. Without it I would feel totally alone.

Well, there it is. A rather lengthy post, but it tells what's been rolling around in my head for awhile now. Remember that this is only a reflection of what I feel.