Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement over the last few weeks. You all were there for me when I needed it most. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you!
I am finding myself in a somewhat better place these days. I have been able to bring myself to go to church these last 2 weeks or so. I don't think I can honestly say that I am full of hope, but I think I am better(at times) than I was before. Sometimes it comes back to smack me in the face, but I am really trying hard to be better.
Since Christmas I have endured a total of 5 pregnancy announcements. It hurts so much. The most recent one was my cousin on Thursday. I cried a lot about that one. She asked my mom to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. Guess what? It doesn't matter who tells me...it still hurts. It makes me feel like such a horrible person. What kind of person finds it difficult to share in the excitement of a new life being added to this Earth? A really bad person like me, that's who! I really cried a lot when my mom told me. I didn't want to show that much emotion. She thinks I need to talk to someone else. The pastor at the church I went to as a child(he's newer to the church, so I don't know him very well) said that he would speak with me. He and his wife have suffered several miscarriages as well as a failed adoption. I just don't know if I will be brave enough to make that call. I also don't feel comfortable talking about my one miscarriage and struggle to have another when he and his wife have endured so much more. Not sure if I am going to make that move, but I will consider it.
It really bothers me that so many others much younger than myself are getting pregnant so easily. I feel like my life is so stuck. Everyone is moving forward, but I am stuck. Will I ever move forward? I just don't know.
I made it through my friend's baby shower. It turned out not to be as awful as I expected because I was busy helping to decorate, putting presents away, fixing my friend a plate of food, cleaning up and picking up all of the stuff. It really helped to keep me busy. My hands were busy and my mind was busy with the task at hand, so I didn't have time to really let it all get to me. I did and said all the right things with a smile so nobody would know how broken my heart is. I cried and had a lot of anxiety leading up to the shower, but I was so relieved when it was over that relief was all that I felt. My hubby took me out on a date night after the shower because he thought I would need it, and he was right! It was so nice to get out and spend time with him. While we were out to dinner, my friend sent me a text that read "Thanks for everything today! I know that it's a hard situation for you to be in and you have no idea how much I love and appreciate u:)" The guilt again kicked in. What kind of person can't be there to support a friend during one of the most incredible moments of their life? A really bad person like me, that's who!
I also made it through baby Tyler's second angelversary on Jan. 18. I thought this day would be especially hard, but I felt so much peace and love on this day. I just know my sweet baby was with me:)
This post is turning out to be a fairly long one, but I wanted to give an update of my TTC journey. I had the dye test done, and my tubes are very much open. Now I have a confession to make. I am overweight. I've struggled with my weight since my senior year of high school. I was overweight when I got pregnant, and the doctor assured me that my weight had nothing to do with my miscarriage. Therefore, before we try any more ovulation inducing drugs, my doctor wants me to focus on diet and exercise for 3 months. My blood sugar levels are slightly elevated, so I also started Metformin earlier this month. So the plan for 3 months is diet, exercise, and Metformin. I am really ashamed to admit to this because I am so embarrassed about my weight. But I am trying to do better. Since August I've lost 22 pounds. Most recently(since Christmas) I've lost 10 pounds. Sometimes I feel like I am my own worst enemy. Maybe my fertility problems were created by myself. I just don't know. But I do know one thing. I can't control whether or not I conceive a baby. I can pray and try. I CAN control what I eat, how much I eat, and how much I exercise. So for now I am going to focus on the very few things that I feel like I DO have control over.
I hope that everyone else is well! Lots of love to you all!
Sweetest Friend,
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry that you are hurting so deeply. Your hurt resonates with me, as I stood where you stand, which feels like quick sand. Watching everyone move forward hurts the worst and seeing those who are ill prepared for Motherhood really stings to the core. And pregnacy announcements unleash a river of tears and emotions too strong to even process.
However, what I do hear in your words is HOPE. Cling to that sweetie, as its all I had when I had nothing. I knew tht I could desert my FAITH or cling to it with all my might and I decided to hold on as tightly as I could. I won't lie, I probably cried every day for nearly 2 years, but those tears were always followed by prayer. I'd pray that God would show me the way, heal my nurts and help me find peace.
I still find myself damaged by all that I've endured and am not sure when or if these feelings will ever go away. However, I know that through a lot of hard work and soul searching and leaning on "Him" I can move forward. You can too.
Give yourself BIG Kudos for making strides to lose weight. You are doing really well! I understand the frusteration in the delays, as I was in a hurry up and wait pattern myself, but hang in there. You WILL be blessed with a miracle, I know it :) Continue to give yourself credit for moving forward with an RE, as I have no doubt you will find success.
We are all here for you....tying your ROPE when you need us to and always lifting you up in prayer. Please email me when you feel low. I'm never too busy for you honey.
Sending you love and prayers,
Andrea
ps. thank you for the sweet blog comment :) Keep writing here on your blog and we are going to get more blog love coming your way, promise.
I am sorry that you are hurting, so very sorry. but i think that it's good that you have some hope. I don't think that the amount of hope matters so much as the fact that we have it, b/c without it what do we have? it's very hard some days to hold on to it but because you do i think that is a feat within itself. I totally feel you on the pg announcements. I can't even count how many i've heard with the most recent being some weeks ago from my SIL, and i like you i hate feeling the way that i do, but this journey scars you and has you feeling things you don't want to feel, but please know that you are not a bad person, just human and sometimes we can't help the way we feel, we just have to do our best to acknowledge when we feel them and try to give it to God which is always easier said than done. but what really helped me today (matter of fact) was sunday school. we talked about the sacrifice of jesus on the cross and how died not only for our sins but he died for our suffering and hurts as well. I learned that he already bore(sp?)our pain so that we don't have to worry or suffer or hurt, so when we do feel these things we can think on that sacrifice and give that hurt and pain over to God where it belongs. and again i know it isn't easy , but those words encouraged me today and i hope they do the same for you. I will also say that I admire you attending the baby shower, that's a place i'm not even in yet. I have turned down and/or avoided two so far, well since my first loss probably more than that. But i am gonna stop babbling now . I just want to send you some love and i pray God sends peace your way. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteThose announcements always hurt and it doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human! Seriously, give yourself a break and a pat on the back! You helped hostess an obviously successful shower (and what a sweet friend to recognize how hard it was for you & say so)!!! That is in my opinion one of the HARDEST things a BLM or IF will deal with. I've avoided many and known that some were unavoidable. I too, found that keeping busy made them more bearable! My heart breaks for you as I feel you're being too hard on you!
ReplyDeleteI highly highly highly suggest talking to someone--I go Friday and can't wait to see my counselor! I've talked to pastors (at my home church I was close to two) & that helps too!
As for the weight loss, lots of us struggle with weight, some more than others, but that battle on top of losing a baby or coupled with it is sooo hard! Join a group, weight watchers or First Place, you will be surprised what support you get w/o the judgement you fear!!! I'm praying for you and rallying you on sweet friend! Please email if you want to chat more--I'm all ears and have done both WW and led a FP group for 3 years!!
Lots of love and hugs to you honey!!!
Hi Tabbie !
ReplyDeleteI agree with all the comments above !
Please stop feeling bad for what you feel , its ok and its human .
Most people that have gone through a miscarriage and struggle with infertility do feel similar to you .
You are such a great friend that went to the baby shower , and your hubby is so nice to see what it cost you and take you out as a reward .
I think you also have to reward yourself : )
I cant believe how much weight you lost !!!! Being used to the metric system I had to translate it to kg and its so much !!!!
You are doing great and I KNOW it will make a difference !
Do try to speak to your pastor or to a therapist as its great to get things out ,( I see a therapist and I find it helpful)
Keep doing all you do and prepare your body to be in the best shape it can be to carry a baby : )
I have came to the realization that there is some things you can control and some you cant and you just have to accept it but yet keep HOPE and do your best to be the best person you can be .
Of course its not easy and I dont always do it myself but I try as much as I can .
Keep writing as it has been very healing for me and I think its a great way to feel better .
Sending you love and support on your journey / Angie
Wow! You are awesome! I can sympathize with how difficult it was to help throw that baby shower...you are an amazing friend! There is not one person who would have thought you were a bad person even if you had decided not to go. Through our journey, that is one thing I have appreciated so very much, when ladies understand, and do not hold it against me if I just cannot bring myself to celebrate that precious soon-to-be life right at that moment.
ReplyDeleteIt is ok to hurt and cry-we are women and that is our right-haha!!! I am proud of you for taking these few months to prepare your body even more to carry that sweet child! And major props to your hubby for realizing that you needed that date night!!!!
Lots of love and prayers to you!!!