Wow! What a crazy weekend! I can't even begin to explain why, but this has been one of the most difficult weekends I've had in a very long time. Yesterday was the hardest I've cried in months.
My Saturday started with a friendly phone call from my pregnant friend. It went pretty well. I know that she's been avoiding me. You can obviously tell. That really hurts, but I think she's been avoiding me because she doesn't want to hurt me. We talked about work stuff for awhile. She very hesitantly brought up how her pregnancy was going. It's going well for her with the exception that the doctor is concerned that she is gaining weight too quickly. I really do say all of the right things. I never show that I am hurt by anything, even when I might be. I never let on how whole heartily jealous I am. That is why her distance from me is confusing for me. I've done all the right things, no matter how much it hurts. But anyway, she said she is going to start walking after school if I wanted to join her. I guess we're both trying to make the best of a difficult situation. And as jealous as I am of her, I really do miss her friendship. After our phone call ended, I did my 30 minute workout. After that I went to the restroom to discover that AF had arrived once again. That was all it took. I probably cried 85% of the day. My poor sweet husband just didn't know what to do with me. He just held me and let me cry. I just told him that I am so tired. I'm just tired of everything. I'm tired of failing and letting us down. He says that I don't let him down, but I feel that I do. Every month that passes, I feel a little of my hope slide away. My heart breaks a little further. I am just so tired, but I am not at the point where I feel I can give up. I just can't accept that I will not have children of my own. I cannot admit that defeat. I felt that I had it a pretty rotten low. I hated every second of it.
Today has gone a bit better. My heart is still heavy, but I didn't cry most of the day today. As my hubby and I were rushing out the door to get to church(neither of us are very good morning people so we are always rushing out of the door), I noticed a beautiful purple flower in between two slabs of cement. What you must know is that my husband and I do NO planting throughout the year unless you count our Topsy Turvy tomato plants that were hanging on the porch. The only other flowers that ever grow are the little white flowers that grow in the spring. It was such a foreign sight in our yard. I felt that it was a sign. I don't know from who...God, our baby, my grandmother....but at any rate it was a comforting sign. I was so excited that I took a picture to share.
After much debate, we joined a large group of friends for lunch today. I have been putting a lot of energy into avoiding a certain couple because they just had a baby in May. I thought it might be too hard. Anyway, without pressure from anyone else, I held this beautiful baby, and I didn't fall apart. This was a very huge deal from me because I have not touched a baby under a year old since my miscarriage. As I was holding this baby, my sweet hubby leans over and whispered, " You are doing great and I am really proud of you." It felt good. As I held this baby, I closed my eyes and just felt her warm body and smelled her wonderful smells. It was such a comforting feeling. It felt good. The only thing that made me sad was the fear that I would never be able to feel that feeling with a baby of my own. It was very overwhelming, but I felt like I took a very big step. That doesn't mean I'll be able to hold every baby that comes my way, but I might be able to deal with some of them. I feel like it was a step toward progress.
So, my plan for this month:
1. My last round of Clomid, which I am sure will fail because it has so far(please remember that I am the Queen of Negativity).
2. Continue working on my weight loss and getting my body healthy. I am down 10 pounds so far, and I feel good. I want to drop some more before I head to the doctor, just in case that is what he will recommend next.
3. Try not to stress out. I bought a cute little magazine on how to make cute Halloween treats. I think I am going to practice these for the kids at school. We will have a fall carnival and we always have a get together at my mom's house. I am hoping this will keep me occupied.
4. Enjoy life and appreciate what I have been given.
I hope everyone has a great week. Thank you all for your support and kind comments. You can't even begin to know how much it helps me!
You did take a very big step, and your hubby has many a reason to be proud of you! I am glad you have him to comfort you and just hold you when you need it. You are blessed, for sure.
ReplyDeleteI pray you continue to take little steps towards acceptance and positivity. Very difficult to do, I know, but you can do it. :) Believe in yourself.