What's going on?

I have reached a point where I just have to ask myself....what's going on? Why is it that everything pregnacy and baby related is shoved on me in the span of a couple of days? At my family reunion last weekend, my cousin "M"(who already has one child she doesn't spend much time with--not to mention her previous drug problems...) announces she's pregnant again. What a punch in the gut! It didn't help that my temperature had dropped that morning, and I knew AF would be arriving in the next couple of days:( Just as expected, AF arrived painfully on Tuesday, which also happened to be my first day back at work after summer break(I am a teacher). What rotten timing!

Anyway, AF arrived on the same day my husband's cousin had her baby. I was really happy that everything went well for her. It just made me sad because noone ever go to celebrate our baby's entrance into the world that way. Our sweet baby just came and left so quickly.

My friend that I've mentioned on a previous post also had a doctor's appointment that same day. Earlier in her pregnancy she had some bleeding, but when they did an ultrasound they didn't see anything in her sac yet. So, I was concerned for her and I told her to text me and let me know how her appointment went. She texted to say that they did not do an ultrasound, but they were able to hear the heartbeat. She also made a huge announcement to facebook. As relieved as I was for her, I cried and cried. I was happy for her, but it just reminded me that we never got to hear our baby's heartbeat. That is something I really wished we could have done. Sometimes it feels like some horrible nightmare. If I had heard the baby's heartbeart, it would have validated what I always feel in my heart. Our baby was real. So many others have forgotten about our baby, but I haven't.

So, I am learning that I am having a hard time celebrating other's pregnancies because I try to compare it to my own(even though my was only 9 short weeks). I was never a jealous person, but jealousy is what I feel now when I hear pregnancy or baby news. That makes me feel like a bad person. I just wanted my story to end the same way. But I am learning more and more everyday that it doesn't matter what I want. God has a plan for me. I don't understand it, but I have to believe it's for the greater good.

My EDD is coming up again on Aug. 24. My neice's birthday is Aug. 23. My sister is busy planning her party, and I just keep thinking...I should be planning my baby's first birthday party. Instead I am still stuck in the same situation...no baby...just me, my husband, our two dogs, and our cat. I love them so much, but I don't feel our family is complete. So, here I go again with another round of Clomid. I have one refill left after this, then I am heading to the doctor to see what we can do next.

I have also been focusing on dropping some pounds before I go back to the doctor. I am afraid that he might just say the next step is for me to lose a little weight. I want to be able to show him that I've started that. I am an emotional eater, and after my miscarriage I packed on more pounds than I should have. However, I am working on changing that. 6 pounds down so far, and I feel much better when I exercise, even if it isn't as long as I would like to. At least I'm off to a good start.

I wish I could say I feel hopeful about the next cycle, but to be honest, I don't feel anything at all. I guess I'm just numb. To be honest, I'm kind of getting used to failing. Sad but true.

I believe with all my heart that better days are ahead. I will just continue to take life one day at a time.