God is So Good

I just wanted to share with my blog friends how much I feel God is working in my life. First of all, my next doctor's visit and ultrasound are a short 8 days away. I usually feel so much anxiety when a doctor's visit is approaching. I feel so much peace about this appointment. I just feel like everything will be fine. I am so thankful for these peaceful feelings. I hope to also learn the gender of our baby. I initially did NOT want to know the gender, but I gave in to my husband. However, now that there is a date that I can possibly know, time has been really dragging! I really still do not care about what gender the baby is, but it will be so cool to know. I even told my husband in the car yesterday that in two weeks the excitement would be over because we would know the gender of our baby. He laughed and said that was when the fun could truly begin! I just love him to pieces.

I also continue to be in prayer for my parents who have really been struggling financially recently mostly because of the economy. My dad was laid off from his job a little over a year ago. Although he was fortunate enough to find a new job, his pay is probably close to half of what he used to make. They've really been struggling to make ends meet financially. My mom was mostly a stay at home mom when we were growing up, and her job skills are limited. She has been searching for a job, but it has been difficult. She has been cleaning offices a couple of days a week, but she is looking for more. My mom has a great job opportunity presented to her that will require her to input data on a computer. She is VERY nervous about it, and she is afraid she won't be smart enough to do it. Please say a prayer for her. I would love it if this were the job she was able to have. She would be off weekends, and she will have medical benefits. My mom and dad have been without insurance for a long time. They postpone medical check-ups because they are too expensive. Please just pray for her!

I believe this is God's answer to their financial woes! I just see Him working in my life in so many ways! I am continually in wonder!

I'm still here:)

Well, it's been a bit, but I am still here. I am still taking life one day at a time. I wanted to take a minute to share some things I've been feeling. This pregnancy is very different from my first. I was over the moon with joy for my first pregnancy. I was foolish enough to believe that if you got pregnant, then you have a baby nine months later. I am very happy about this pregnancy too, but my heart is somewhat guarded. Sometimes I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting for something bad to happen. I am getting better about the fear, but it still creeps up on me every now and again.


We started telling people at 13 weeks. I still didn't feel ready, but my hubby couldn't stand it anymore. He is just so happy. I really don't want to ruin this for him, so I agreed. I must admit it was pretty fun to tell people. It is cool to see how excited everyone was for us. So many more prayers are now being said for our sweet baby, and I am thankful for that. Anyway, I feel like people believe my heart is healed now. That everything is perfect because we have a baby on the way. Something that is hard for people to understand is that my heart will never be healed. A huge part of my heart will always be gone because my first child is not here. He/She is missing from our lives and NOTHING will change that. It doesn't matter how many children we eventually have....I will always miss my sweet baby. I guess some people don't understand that this never goes away.

I also feel so much guilt. A couple of people have asked if this is our first...and I said yes. It really breaks my heart, but it's so much easier than explaining. Explaining is difficult for me emotionally, and I don't want to get emotional with some people. I hate that my mom and mother in law are each telling people they are expecting their second grandchild. It just isn't true. This is my mom's fourth (counting my loss & my brother's loss) and my mother in law's third. Maybe they don't see it that way, or maybe they just find it easier to not have to explain. I can't fault them for something that I do myself. Everything can just be so confusing.

Please don't think that I am ungrateful for this pregnancy. I am very grateful and I still find it very hard to believe. I just knew this was the one place I could share my feelings.

So, onto happier things. I am officially 15 weeks pregnant. I went to the doctor Tuesday, and everything is still going fine. On most days, I don't feel pregnant at all. This was my first visit without an ultrasound, but I was okay with that because I still got to hear my baby's heartbeat.
The heartbeat was strong with 166 bpm. We go back in 4 weeks and if our little one cooperates we will find out if it is a boy or a girl. I find that to be very exciting. I really thought it would be really fun and exciting to not find out, but my husband REALLY wants to know. So, I am giving in. He said that if there is a next time we can do it my way.

We have even started talking baby names, and I think we have it narrowed down, but I will wait to share those later!

Please keep the prayers coming that everything continues to go smoothly!

2 Years...

Dear Baby Tyler,

If things had worked out for you, you would be 2 years old today. Mommy and Daddy still miss you so much. There will always be a piece of our lives that is missing and it's because you're gone. Even though you left this world so fast, you left very, very loved. I still think of you each and everyday sweet baby. Please watch over us.

Love you forever,
Mommy

My First OB Visit

Yesterday I went to my first OB visit. I must confess...I didn't sleep well the night before. I was very anxious. I am just so terrified this will all disappear in the blink of an eye. I think I've been doing well with pushing scary thoughts out of my head. However, when a doctor's visit is looming, I completely freak out. I think it just reminds me that this is real. I think it reminds me that this could go away at any moment. I didn't say I was right for thinking those things, but I feel them anyway.

My visit went extremely well. Dr. P did an ultrasound to make sure we are progressing. It was amazing. My last ultrasound was at 7w0d and our baby just looked like a dot. This time at 11w1d our baby actually looked like a baby:) Our sweet baby had a strong and steady heartbeat, and was waving that little are at us. I can't remember the exact number of beats per minute because I was just so stinking relieved that our baby was okay. Although I am 11w1d, the baby was measuring 10w5d which is fine because I know I ovulated late. This doesn't concern me at all.

The staff at Dr. P's office was amazing. They really babied me and took good care of me. I was honest and told them I was anxious, and I they were very reassuring. They said that I have the right to feel anxious. It's all part of human nature.

Dr. P decided to keep me on progesterone for 2 more weeks just to be safe. I'm fine with that too!

So, I am so thankful that everything is okay. I had a very good night's sleep last night. I cried all the way to work this morning because I am just so happy and thankful.

God is so good! I am praying that everything continues to go well. Thank you to the few of you that follow this blog. I appreciate your support. For those of you still TTC, please don't give up. Great things are possible....this I know for sure!

The Most Pregnant I've Ever Been....

Today I am 9w1d. I lost my last baby at 9w0d. It's official...I am the most pregnant I've ever been. I am so thankful. I was a bit nervous this weekend but I made it! This morning on the way to work I cried almost the whole way there because I am just so thankful. God is so good.

I am still not really having many symptoms that I am aware of. No morning sickness. However, my food preferences are ever changing. Many days, nothing sounds good. I am loving beef jerky and the hot tamales candy. I don't indulge to often, but I splurge every now and again.

I am also extremely exhausted! I've been working really hard to get my classroom ready for my brand new bunch of first graders. My summer break is officially over. I returned to school today for meetings and the students come tomorrow. I am excited to get started again! I can't wait to meet my new sweethearts!!

I have been thinking about buying a Doppler to hear my sweetie's heartbeat. Most things I've read have said they can't guarantee hearing the heartbeat until 12 weeks. Have any of you had success hearing it before then? I just wanted some suggestions. I am still uncertain if this is something I want to purchase for sure. It would provide me with some reassurance, but I also don't want it to make me even more paranoid than I already am. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Updates Again

Wow! I have so much to tell about what's been going on! On July 4, I decided to take a HPT because AF had still not arrived. Finally, after 2 and a half years we got our BFP. It still seems like a dream. I imagined that moment for so long that it still doesn't seem real now that it has finally happened.

I called my RE office and went in for blood work to check my beta levels and progesterone. Betas looked good but progesterone was a bit low, but they gave me medicine for that. Went back 2 days later for more blood work to make sure my betas were going up like they should, and they were! On Monday, we went for an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine, and it was. There was an itty bitty beanie in there and he/she had a heartbeat of 113. It was really surreal. I was also nervous about the ultrasound because I do not really have any symptoms. No morning sickness, etc. I know it sounds crazy, but I wish I did because it would make me feel better mentally. We were days away from our first ultrasound with our last pregnancy, but we never made it. This is a brand new experience for me. One that I am not taking for granted. I know how quickly this could all end. I am now released to my OB and I have my first appointment with him on Aug. 16.

I am very happy and excited, but the fear and the "what ifs" still creep up on me. Every little twinge of something makes me nervous. I am trying to give it to God. I know His plan for me is perfect. It is what it is...I am just trying to pray and have faith that we will be okay.

I am also thankful that I will still be off of work for most of the first trimester. I will actually work 3-4 weeks and then be in for the second trimester. I truly pray that we will make it this time. I am just so thankful for the chance.

Also, my hubby and I are leaving Sunday for our big vacation. We're heading to Las Vegas, and I am soooo excited.

So, for all of you prayerful people, please pray for a safe trip, a healthy pregnancy, a healthy delivery, and a healthy baby.

Our EDD is March 5, 2012.

Update on my TTC Journey

Let me begin this post by saying that I am still not pregnant. Should be no surprise...I am exactly in the same position that I've been in the last two and a half years.

I contacted my RE's office at the beginning of my new cycle, which was the beginning of June. The nurse said that I can move forward with treatment (ovulation meds) if I wanted to, but the doctor recommended 20 more pounds of weight loss to put me at the BMI that will offer a more optimal chance of pregnancy. Soooo, after some consideration, I have decided to wait. I don't want to spend the amount of money that I will have to spend without optimal chances of pregnancy. I know this is the smart thing to do. However, the impatient part of me that feels like I've waited FOREVER (actually just 2 and a half years) wants it NOW. I am trying to have faith, but I am feeling a little beat down.

I still feel the shame. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to become overweight. Part of me feels like it doesn't matter how hard I try I keep getting denied. I've lost 27 pounds, but it still isn't good enough. On the other hand, I understand why. I just pray that I find the strength and self control to drop more pounds. At least now I have a number of pounds to reach. I have a goal to work toward. I was never given a number before, which was probably for the best because telling me to lose 50 pounds would have felt unreachable for me. Now that I've dropped 27, I have the confidence to lose 20 more. I KNOW I can do it, but it's so darn hard.

I am not completely discouraged though. I can't explain it, but my prayer for peace has been answered. I am not nearly as upset or disappointed as I would have thought I'd been. I am so thankful for that. It's very much what I need.

Another tad bit of encouragement....the RE also wants me to do OPK tests. I agreed, but was skeptical because the only time I've ever gotten a positive OPK was when I was taking Clomid. I use the digital OPK because sometimes I have a difficult time telling if there are 2 lines or not on the other kind. That makes me feel like a complete idiot!! Anyway, on CD 20 I got my first ever happy face all by myself. This may have occurred previously, but I haven't tested in awhile because of my frustration with everything. I felt that I just needed a break. So, I am encouraged by the smiley face. Maybe the weight loss is beginning to help my body do what it's supposed to. I am hopeful of that anyway. My hubby was as excited about the smiley face as I was. He even was so bold as to say maybe this will be our month. I told him that was a great thought, but I couldn't really let myself get my hopes up about it. The disappointment just intensifies when I do that. He understood, gave me a hug and said that he will still love me either way. He's pretty awesome:)

Back to the weight loss...I am at a plateau. I can't seem to drop anything lately. I must confess my diet hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been awful either. I've increased my exercise time. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I do Active 2 workout on the Wii. Beleive me, this is not sissy stuff. I also use my couch to 5K ap on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I have made it to week 4. The rain prevented me for doing as many days as I needed to this week, and I don't currently own a treadmill. On Wednesday and Sunday I let my body rest.

If anyone can offer and advice, encouragement, or help with my weight struggle, please let me know. I would appreciate anything!

So, I still feel I am moving forward, even though it isn't as quickly as I wish it would be. I am down at the moment, but not out. I also have a lot going on in my life that is not fertility related, but I will save that for another post. I can't wait to share some of the other aspects of my life!