Friday, August 24, 2012
3 years & counting
Today makes 3 years that baby Tyler was due. No birthday cake, no party, no presents. It never goes away and it never gets easier. We will celebrate the life that was gone way to soon. We will reflect on what that life means to us. We will remind ourselves of all the ways your short little life changed us and made us who we are today. One thing remains...we miss you. We love you. Today we honor you and remember you sweet baby. Watch over us.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Today is my Birthday
Today is my birthday! I thought last year's birthday would be my best birthday ever! One year ago today, I was 7 weeks pregnant & I had my very first ultrasound at my RE's office. I was terrified and excited. My husband got to come with me. I remember that our appointment was in the morning because we had a birthday/celebration lunch afterwards. It was a glorious day! I got to hear that beautiful sound that I longed to hear for such a long time....my baby's heartbeat! I was overwhelmed with joy, but also still nagged by fear. Here is the picture of the tiny dot that brought me so much joy a year ago.
Just a tiny little dot that the arrow is pointing to. So much hope from a tiny little dot. With a lot of prayer and a roller coaster of emotions, that tiny dot grew into the sweet girl that I obsess over everyday. I thought last year was my best birthday ever. I even told my husband that nothing could top it! I was wrong! This year I feel just as much joy, if not more. This year I have this present to love on!
This is the best birthday ever! I get to spend it with the best little girl in the world. She is the most important person in my life. I just can't get enough of her! What a difference a year can make! My baby went from a tiny heart beating dot to the big ball of laughs that she is now. I am so thankful!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Where is the time going?
Sweet Charlotte is now over 4 months old! She is growing so quickly. We went for her four month check up yesterday. Baby girl is now 14 pounds and 11 ounces and 24.75 inches long. Where did my tiny little baby go? Time is going by so quickly!
Tomorrow will mark one year ago that we finally got the BFP we'd been praying and not so patiently waiting for! What a difference a year can make! I felt so much excitement and fear. I prayed and prayed that this baby would make it, and she did! I am so thankful for my rainbow baby. I will never understand why some babies don't make it. I can just be thankful for what I now have and continue to miss what I've lost. I still miss baby Tyler very much.
I am having a bit of anxiety about returning to work. Charlotte's first day with our babysitter is this Monday. She will go 2-3 times a week until August. I am just going to miss her so very much. My heart is broken and torn. I keep telling myself that I need to be thankful for all of the time that I've had with her. Many people don't get that much time off. However, I am also excited about the upcoming school year. I really LOVE teaching, and I have missed that also. It's so hard, but everything will be fine. I am sure as time goes on it will get easier to leave her. I know she will be very well taken care of. That is not a worry for me. I am just going to miss her. I am also thankful to have a job that will allow me to have more time with her than many other occupations. I will have weekends, holidays, and summers. My heart is just so torn.
I continue to be in a good place. Charlotte brings so much more to my life than I've ever imagined. Every little thing she does amazes me and entertains me! Her little cheeks are quite full now, and I just can't kiss them enough!
Tomorrow will mark one year ago that we finally got the BFP we'd been praying and not so patiently waiting for! What a difference a year can make! I felt so much excitement and fear. I prayed and prayed that this baby would make it, and she did! I am so thankful for my rainbow baby. I will never understand why some babies don't make it. I can just be thankful for what I now have and continue to miss what I've lost. I still miss baby Tyler very much.
I am having a bit of anxiety about returning to work. Charlotte's first day with our babysitter is this Monday. She will go 2-3 times a week until August. I am just going to miss her so very much. My heart is broken and torn. I keep telling myself that I need to be thankful for all of the time that I've had with her. Many people don't get that much time off. However, I am also excited about the upcoming school year. I really LOVE teaching, and I have missed that also. It's so hard, but everything will be fine. I am sure as time goes on it will get easier to leave her. I know she will be very well taken care of. That is not a worry for me. I am just going to miss her. I am also thankful to have a job that will allow me to have more time with her than many other occupations. I will have weekends, holidays, and summers. My heart is just so torn.
I continue to be in a good place. Charlotte brings so much more to my life than I've ever imagined. Every little thing she does amazes me and entertains me! Her little cheeks are quite full now, and I just can't kiss them enough!
Friday, June 1, 2012
A little over 3 months
My sweet Charlotte is already a little over 3 months old (14 weeks and 1 day to be exact). She is growing way too quickly for me! I am just loving my time with her. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! She is more alert now. She gives me her heart melting smile very often. She babbles and "talks" to me. She never ceases to amaze me.
I celebrated my first Mother's Day with an earthly baby. I have so many mixed emotions about Mother's Day. It was a day that I despised for 3 years after the loss of my angel. It was a hurtful, painful, miserable day. I dreaded it and hated it. This year was better. However, I still find that I have a difficult time celebrating this day. This year people acknowledged that I am a mother. However, I was a mother from the moment my first baby was conceived. I only carried that sweet angel for 9 weeks, but I was a mother then. I continue to be a mother now. The biggest difference is that I have a live baby to hold and cuddle and love. I think I also still have a hard time celebrating because all of the pain that I felt these last 3 years on Mother's Day is still pain that many infertile and BLMs feel. It is not joyful for all. However, I am eternally grateful that I got to hold my baby girl on this day. I am so thankful for the joy she brings to my life. I just still struggle to come to terms with this holiday. I know the same could be said for other holidays, but this one is THE ONE that I had the most pain about.
Tragedy also touched the lives of one of my husband's former classmates and his wife. This couple also goes to church with us. Their 4 month old baby boy passed away last week. I am not completely sure why. I know he was being treated for RSV, but not positive what his cause of death was. He passed away during the late morning while he was at his baby sitter's house. My heart is just broken for this family. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through. Please keep them in your prayers. Their loss makes me hug my baby even tighter and kiss her even more. It is also terrifying because he was older than my sweet girl. You just never really know what can happen at any moment. I don't think I will ever understand why such horrible things happen in this world. It just doesn't seem right or fair.
I continue to appreciate and love my time with my sweet girl. I will be returning to work in August. I found a sitter that I really love! We are going to stop by and visit with her a few times in the month of June. In July, she is going to keep Charlotte 2-3 times a week while I work in my classroom and go to trainings. Then Charlotte will go everyday once school starts. I am really going to miss my precious time with her, but I have to work. It's not an option. We depend on both incomes to survive. I also really love my job, and I have missed it. I wish I could just bring her to school with me! Then I could have the best of both worlds! However, this is not an option...work would never get done!
I feel that I am in a good place and doing well. I think I sometimes get sad when I think about how quickly she is growing. I also try to prepare myself for the fact that this might be my only chance to watch a baby grow. It was so difficult to get pregnant for her. I have to face the reality that she might be my only one. I can accept that and make peace with it. I was not able to accept have no earthly children. I was still years away from making peace or accepting that. Thank God I didn't have to. I can make peace with having one child even though I would love to have 2 at some point in time. I will never take for granted how fortunate I am to have one healthy, earthly baby! I am just going to take everything one day at a time and appreciate all that we have.
I'm sorry if this post is kind of all over the place. I just wanted to get out some stuff that's been rolling through my head:)
I celebrated my first Mother's Day with an earthly baby. I have so many mixed emotions about Mother's Day. It was a day that I despised for 3 years after the loss of my angel. It was a hurtful, painful, miserable day. I dreaded it and hated it. This year was better. However, I still find that I have a difficult time celebrating this day. This year people acknowledged that I am a mother. However, I was a mother from the moment my first baby was conceived. I only carried that sweet angel for 9 weeks, but I was a mother then. I continue to be a mother now. The biggest difference is that I have a live baby to hold and cuddle and love. I think I also still have a hard time celebrating because all of the pain that I felt these last 3 years on Mother's Day is still pain that many infertile and BLMs feel. It is not joyful for all. However, I am eternally grateful that I got to hold my baby girl on this day. I am so thankful for the joy she brings to my life. I just still struggle to come to terms with this holiday. I know the same could be said for other holidays, but this one is THE ONE that I had the most pain about.
Tragedy also touched the lives of one of my husband's former classmates and his wife. This couple also goes to church with us. Their 4 month old baby boy passed away last week. I am not completely sure why. I know he was being treated for RSV, but not positive what his cause of death was. He passed away during the late morning while he was at his baby sitter's house. My heart is just broken for this family. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through. Please keep them in your prayers. Their loss makes me hug my baby even tighter and kiss her even more. It is also terrifying because he was older than my sweet girl. You just never really know what can happen at any moment. I don't think I will ever understand why such horrible things happen in this world. It just doesn't seem right or fair.
I continue to appreciate and love my time with my sweet girl. I will be returning to work in August. I found a sitter that I really love! We are going to stop by and visit with her a few times in the month of June. In July, she is going to keep Charlotte 2-3 times a week while I work in my classroom and go to trainings. Then Charlotte will go everyday once school starts. I am really going to miss my precious time with her, but I have to work. It's not an option. We depend on both incomes to survive. I also really love my job, and I have missed it. I wish I could just bring her to school with me! Then I could have the best of both worlds! However, this is not an option...work would never get done!
I feel that I am in a good place and doing well. I think I sometimes get sad when I think about how quickly she is growing. I also try to prepare myself for the fact that this might be my only chance to watch a baby grow. It was so difficult to get pregnant for her. I have to face the reality that she might be my only one. I can accept that and make peace with it. I was not able to accept have no earthly children. I was still years away from making peace or accepting that. Thank God I didn't have to. I can make peace with having one child even though I would love to have 2 at some point in time. I will never take for granted how fortunate I am to have one healthy, earthly baby! I am just going to take everything one day at a time and appreciate all that we have.
I'm sorry if this post is kind of all over the place. I just wanted to get out some stuff that's been rolling through my head:)
Monday, April 16, 2012
A little over 7 weeks
I can't believe my baby girl will be 8 weeks old on Thursday. Time has gone by so quickly and slowly all at the same time. It may not make much sense, but it seems quick because she is growing so fast. It seems slow because it is hard for me to remember what my life was like without her.
We are doing well. We've had our ups and downs, but everyday gets better. One of my biggest disappointments was breastfeeding. I was only able to breastfeed for 4 weeks. I was able to pump a little until she was 5 weeks old, but I had to supplement with formula. I just wasn't producing enough milk. My poor baby was starving and losing weight. After she was being fed enough, she was a much happier baby. I cried for days when I had to stop breastfeeding. I cried every time I gave my daughter a bottle filled with formula. I read so many things about how good it is for babies to be breastfed. I was heartbroken that my body failed in another way. The pediatrician really made me feel better and gave me a pep talk. I love him! I still feel sad when I think about my failure with breastfeeding. However, I try to look on the bright side. My body allowed her to arrive safely. There was a point in time when I wasn't sure if that would ever happen. I was a formula fed baby and I am just fine. Failure with breastfeeding was a huge disappointment that I didn't prepare myself for.
Now our sweet Charlotte is growing and thriving. It kind of breaks my heart to watch her grow so quickly. I am not prepared for that yet! I wish I could hit a pause button. She is doing much better at sleeping longer stretches at night. Who knew 5-6 hours of sleep could be so exciting? I am really loving being a mommy. It is a bit tougher than I thought. Much more exhausting than I anticipated. Please don't think I am complaining because I am not. I am extremely grateful and thankful for this girl! Even though it is harder than I thought, I am enjoying every second of it. I thank God each and every day for this miracle.
Here are a few more recent pictures of my sweet baby:
Charlotte is so tired of having her picture taken!
Just hanging out!
This one is my favorite! She is getting ready for bath time! She looks like an angel!
We are doing well. We've had our ups and downs, but everyday gets better. One of my biggest disappointments was breastfeeding. I was only able to breastfeed for 4 weeks. I was able to pump a little until she was 5 weeks old, but I had to supplement with formula. I just wasn't producing enough milk. My poor baby was starving and losing weight. After she was being fed enough, she was a much happier baby. I cried for days when I had to stop breastfeeding. I cried every time I gave my daughter a bottle filled with formula. I read so many things about how good it is for babies to be breastfed. I was heartbroken that my body failed in another way. The pediatrician really made me feel better and gave me a pep talk. I love him! I still feel sad when I think about my failure with breastfeeding. However, I try to look on the bright side. My body allowed her to arrive safely. There was a point in time when I wasn't sure if that would ever happen. I was a formula fed baby and I am just fine. Failure with breastfeeding was a huge disappointment that I didn't prepare myself for.
Now our sweet Charlotte is growing and thriving. It kind of breaks my heart to watch her grow so quickly. I am not prepared for that yet! I wish I could hit a pause button. She is doing much better at sleeping longer stretches at night. Who knew 5-6 hours of sleep could be so exciting? I am really loving being a mommy. It is a bit tougher than I thought. Much more exhausting than I anticipated. Please don't think I am complaining because I am not. I am extremely grateful and thankful for this girl! Even though it is harder than I thought, I am enjoying every second of it. I thank God each and every day for this miracle.
Here are a few more recent pictures of my sweet baby:
Charlotte is so tired of having her picture taken!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Our Sweet Girl Has Arrived!!!
I apologize for taking so long to give an update. I have been quite busy adjusting to my new life! Charlotte Leigh arrived on Thursday, February 23, 2012 at 8:25 pm. She was 7 ponds and 12 ounces and measured 19.5 inches long. I am head over heals in love with her!
It may be wrong to post a picture of her crying, but I love her cry. It reminds me that she is living and breathing. Our delivery did not quite happen as planned. I dilated to 5 cm and then did not progress any further. So, sweet Charlotte had to be delivered via C-section. I am loving every second with her even though I am exhausted. She is so very much worth it! Thank you all so much for your prayers and support. The only problem we've really had is jaundice, and that seems to be improving everyday. I look forward to sharing more about my sweet baby girl very soon!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Sooner than I thought...
Well, it looks like I will be meeting my baby girl a little sooner than I expected. I went for my weekly doctor's visit on Tuesday (Valentine's Day). I am dilated 2 and a half cm now (up just a little from last week). Everything looks really good. The only concern Dr. P has is the size of my baby girl. He said that I have a "good sized baby" in there, and it would be best not to let her get too much bigger. He didn't give me an estimation on her weight or anything like that. I am thankful for that because I think any type of number may have terrified me. Anyway, we are scheduled to induce labor this Thursday, February 23 if Charlotte has not arrived on her own before then.
I have so many mixed emotions. I am so ready to meet her! I have waited so much longer than 9 months to have this baby! However, it seems unreal how quickly everything is happening. She will only be 12 days early, and the doctor assures me this is not too early to deliver. Part of me is nervous about the delivery aspect as well. So many labor horror stories float around. However, no matter what, she will be so worth it.
My plan of action is to focus on the excitement of meeting her and holding her. I will use this to get me through whatever may come. Please say a prayer for our upcoming delivery!
I have so many mixed emotions. I am so ready to meet her! I have waited so much longer than 9 months to have this baby! However, it seems unreal how quickly everything is happening. She will only be 12 days early, and the doctor assures me this is not too early to deliver. Part of me is nervous about the delivery aspect as well. So many labor horror stories float around. However, no matter what, she will be so worth it.
My plan of action is to focus on the excitement of meeting her and holding her. I will use this to get me through whatever may come. Please say a prayer for our upcoming delivery!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
36 Weeks....Still in Awe!
So, I just got home from my 36 week appointment. First of all, let me say that I still have a hard time believing I am really 36 weeks pregnant. I am so thankful for this baby. I dreamed of this for so long. It's surreal.
I had my baby shower in the middle of January. It was awesome! I was never really sure I would get the opportunity to have one. I got so many cool presents. Even more important than presents, I left my shower with such a feeling of love. I felt loved and I felt the love everyone has for Charlotte. I am so in love with her, and I can't wait to meet her.
My visit to the doctor today made this pregnancy even more real. I am dilated 2 cm and the doctor said she is quite low. It is so exciting to know that I am progressing. For so long I was frustrated with my body because it didn't seem to do anything is was supposed to! Finally, I feel like my body might not be so broken after all. It's taken me so far.
I thought I would be more concerned/nervous/scared about the labor & delivery. I really feel peace about it all. I know it won't be comfortable(duh!), but it will be so worth it. I've been waiting so much longer than nine months to meet this sweet baby. I dream of her sweet face very often! I can't wait to meet her!
I had my baby shower in the middle of January. It was awesome! I was never really sure I would get the opportunity to have one. I got so many cool presents. Even more important than presents, I left my shower with such a feeling of love. I felt loved and I felt the love everyone has for Charlotte. I am so in love with her, and I can't wait to meet her.
My visit to the doctor today made this pregnancy even more real. I am dilated 2 cm and the doctor said she is quite low. It is so exciting to know that I am progressing. For so long I was frustrated with my body because it didn't seem to do anything is was supposed to! Finally, I feel like my body might not be so broken after all. It's taken me so far.
I thought I would be more concerned/nervous/scared about the labor & delivery. I really feel peace about it all. I know it won't be comfortable(duh!), but it will be so worth it. I've been waiting so much longer than nine months to meet this sweet baby. I dream of her sweet face very often! I can't wait to meet her!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
3 Years
Dear Baby Tyler,
It's been three whole years since you've gone to heaven. Mommy's heart still aches for you and misses you so much. There is still not one day that goes by that I do not remember you or think of you. You were here for such a short time, but had a big impact on my life. Because of you I am closer to God and I am trying my best so that we can be together one day. I will always think of you and miss you. I think of the toddler you would be now, and I wish so much that it were true. I know you are safe and at peace. You will always be my first baby. Please watch over us. We love and miss you.
Love,
Mommy
It's been three whole years since you've gone to heaven. Mommy's heart still aches for you and misses you so much. There is still not one day that goes by that I do not remember you or think of you. You were here for such a short time, but had a big impact on my life. Because of you I am closer to God and I am trying my best so that we can be together one day. I will always think of you and miss you. I think of the toddler you would be now, and I wish so much that it were true. I know you are safe and at peace. You will always be my first baby. Please watch over us. We love and miss you.
Love,
Mommy
Friday, January 6, 2012
Happy New Year
Happy New Year to everyone! I am so thrilled that 2012 has finally arrived! My baby girl will be born this year. God has been so amazing to us. I have been so incredibly busy and I haven't been able to update. I had an ultrasound at my December appointment and Charlotte is doing just fine. She weighs 2 pounds 7 ounces. My January appointment also went well and her heartbeat was 157 bpm. I am just amazed with her and I haven't even met her yet. I love her so very much already. I am currently 31 weeks 4 days. It is just amazing how far we've come. I have just a little over 8 weeks left:) I am anxious to meet my girl, but want her to bake in this oven as close to 40 weeks as possible.
My husband and I attended a "Labor & Delivery" class on Tuesday. I found it to be very informative, but a bit scary too. However, I know I will do whatever it takes to get my sweet girl here safely. I am still in awe that I even have reason to go to a class like that. My shower is next weekend. Can you believe it?!? There was a point in time when I wasn't sure that I'd ever have a baby shower. Now it is just around the corner! I still find it hard to believe.
I am also very proud to say that I made my first purchase for my Charlotte. I got her a picture frame that I am going to put her ultrasound picture in for my shower. The picture in the frame is what came with it. I just haven't had time to change it out yet.
When I saw the quote at the bottom of the frame it brought tears to my eyes. This journey has not been an easy one, but it is one that gives my baby girl tons of love.
I have a feeling 2012 will be one of the best years of my life! In a little more than 8 weeks, my Charlotte is due to arrive!
My husband and I attended a "Labor & Delivery" class on Tuesday. I found it to be very informative, but a bit scary too. However, I know I will do whatever it takes to get my sweet girl here safely. I am still in awe that I even have reason to go to a class like that. My shower is next weekend. Can you believe it?!? There was a point in time when I wasn't sure that I'd ever have a baby shower. Now it is just around the corner! I still find it hard to believe.
I am also very proud to say that I made my first purchase for my Charlotte. I got her a picture frame that I am going to put her ultrasound picture in for my shower. The picture in the frame is what came with it. I just haven't had time to change it out yet.
I have a feeling 2012 will be one of the best years of my life! In a little more than 8 weeks, my Charlotte is due to arrive!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Still Here
Hello All! I hope you all had a joyful Thanksgiving holiday. I know I did...I ate very well:)
I am so sorry that I haven't been blogging much lately. I have been quite busy with work among many other things. I have just ended a week off from school for Thanksgiving break and it was much needed. I truly was exhausted!!!! My first weekend off I went on a girls trip with some girls from work to the beach in Gulf Shores, Alabama. It was a lot of fun. Right outside our condo, there were many, many butterflies. I thought about my sweet angel baby and the angel babies of all of my online friends that have offered me so much support. Here is a shot of one of those butterflies:)
The sight of the butterflies brought such a sense of peace and love to me. I spent the rest of the week spending time with family and Christmas shopping. I am proud to say that my in-laws are the only people left to buy for. My husband is in charge of that! My husband and I also have to get gifts for each other. We are going to get each other a rocking recliner and video camera. Both baby related items that we will very much enjoy:)
Last month's prenatal visit went very well. Everything is right on track. I have another visit next week and I get an ultrasound this time! I am excited to get the chance to see my sweet girl again:)
I am currently 26 weeks 1 day now. I can't believe how far I've come. I am so thankful for her and I pray that everything continues to move smoothly. I still feel well. I only find that I am more easily exhausted.
I have to honestly say that I have not purchased even one item for our daughter. I thought I would, but I haven't. Many people have given us gifts, but I have not actually bought anything! I think part of me is still a bit paranoid. I am doing better and I love this child so very much, but sometimes doubt creeps up. These moments aren't as frequent as they used to be, but they still show up:( I just want to bring her home in March. I pray that it happens.
Good news is that I only have 3 weeks until I get 2 weeks off for winter break. My time at work will be more broken up now up until it's time for baby.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
And now we know....
I had my ultrasound yesterday! We went for the ultrasound before we saw the doctor, and our sweet baby was all curled up and wouldn't show! I must admit I was pretty disappointed:( However, the awesome ultrasound tech said we just had to be patient and to come back after we saw the doctor. So we did, and after some wiggling and pushing, our baby showed us that.....
SHE IS A GIRL!!!!!
I am so thrilled I could just start crying all over again! Everything looked wonderful and I immediately have visions of dressing her up, like she is my very own live doll! Charlotte Leigh is the name we have chosen for our sweet girl! It is so wonderful to call her by name!!!
SHE IS A GIRL!!!!!
I am so thrilled I could just start crying all over again! Everything looked wonderful and I immediately have visions of dressing her up, like she is my very own live doll! Charlotte Leigh is the name we have chosen for our sweet girl! It is so wonderful to call her by name!!!
Monday, October 3, 2011
God is So Good
I just wanted to share with my blog friends how much I feel God is working in my life. First of all, my next doctor's visit and ultrasound are a short 8 days away. I usually feel so much anxiety when a doctor's visit is approaching. I feel so much peace about this appointment. I just feel like everything will be fine. I am so thankful for these peaceful feelings. I hope to also learn the gender of our baby. I initially did NOT want to know the gender, but I gave in to my husband. However, now that there is a date that I can possibly know, time has been really dragging! I really still do not care about what gender the baby is, but it will be so cool to know. I even told my husband in the car yesterday that in two weeks the excitement would be over because we would know the gender of our baby. He laughed and said that was when the fun could truly begin! I just love him to pieces.
I also continue to be in prayer for my parents who have really been struggling financially recently mostly because of the economy. My dad was laid off from his job a little over a year ago. Although he was fortunate enough to find a new job, his pay is probably close to half of what he used to make. They've really been struggling to make ends meet financially. My mom was mostly a stay at home mom when we were growing up, and her job skills are limited. She has been searching for a job, but it has been difficult. She has been cleaning offices a couple of days a week, but she is looking for more. My mom has a great job opportunity presented to her that will require her to input data on a computer. She is VERY nervous about it, and she is afraid she won't be smart enough to do it. Please say a prayer for her. I would love it if this were the job she was able to have. She would be off weekends, and she will have medical benefits. My mom and dad have been without insurance for a long time. They postpone medical check-ups because they are too expensive. Please just pray for her!
I believe this is God's answer to their financial woes! I just see Him working in my life in so many ways! I am continually in wonder!
I also continue to be in prayer for my parents who have really been struggling financially recently mostly because of the economy. My dad was laid off from his job a little over a year ago. Although he was fortunate enough to find a new job, his pay is probably close to half of what he used to make. They've really been struggling to make ends meet financially. My mom was mostly a stay at home mom when we were growing up, and her job skills are limited. She has been searching for a job, but it has been difficult. She has been cleaning offices a couple of days a week, but she is looking for more. My mom has a great job opportunity presented to her that will require her to input data on a computer. She is VERY nervous about it, and she is afraid she won't be smart enough to do it. Please say a prayer for her. I would love it if this were the job she was able to have. She would be off weekends, and she will have medical benefits. My mom and dad have been without insurance for a long time. They postpone medical check-ups because they are too expensive. Please just pray for her!
I believe this is God's answer to their financial woes! I just see Him working in my life in so many ways! I am continually in wonder!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
I'm still here:)
Well, it's been a bit, but I am still here. I am still taking life one day at a time. I wanted to take a minute to share some things I've been feeling. This pregnancy is very different from my first. I was over the moon with joy for my first pregnancy. I was foolish enough to believe that if you got pregnant, then you have a baby nine months later. I am very happy about this pregnancy too, but my heart is somewhat guarded. Sometimes I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting for something bad to happen. I am getting better about the fear, but it still creeps up on me every now and again.
We started telling people at 13 weeks. I still didn't feel ready, but my hubby couldn't stand it anymore. He is just so happy. I really don't want to ruin this for him, so I agreed. I must admit it was pretty fun to tell people. It is cool to see how excited everyone was for us. So many more prayers are now being said for our sweet baby, and I am thankful for that. Anyway, I feel like people believe my heart is healed now. That everything is perfect because we have a baby on the way. Something that is hard for people to understand is that my heart will never be healed. A huge part of my heart will always be gone because my first child is not here. He/She is missing from our lives and NOTHING will change that. It doesn't matter how many children we eventually have....I will always miss my sweet baby. I guess some people don't understand that this never goes away.
I also feel so much guilt. A couple of people have asked if this is our first...and I said yes. It really breaks my heart, but it's so much easier than explaining. Explaining is difficult for me emotionally, and I don't want to get emotional with some people. I hate that my mom and mother in law are each telling people they are expecting their second grandchild. It just isn't true. This is my mom's fourth (counting my loss & my brother's loss) and my mother in law's third. Maybe they don't see it that way, or maybe they just find it easier to not have to explain. I can't fault them for something that I do myself. Everything can just be so confusing.
Please don't think that I am ungrateful for this pregnancy. I am very grateful and I still find it very hard to believe. I just knew this was the one place I could share my feelings.
So, onto happier things. I am officially 15 weeks pregnant. I went to the doctor Tuesday, and everything is still going fine. On most days, I don't feel pregnant at all. This was my first visit without an ultrasound, but I was okay with that because I still got to hear my baby's heartbeat.
The heartbeat was strong with 166 bpm. We go back in 4 weeks and if our little one cooperates we will find out if it is a boy or a girl. I find that to be very exciting. I really thought it would be really fun and exciting to not find out, but my husband REALLY wants to know. So, I am giving in. He said that if there is a next time we can do it my way.
We have even started talking baby names, and I think we have it narrowed down, but I will wait to share those later!
Please keep the prayers coming that everything continues to go smoothly!
We started telling people at 13 weeks. I still didn't feel ready, but my hubby couldn't stand it anymore. He is just so happy. I really don't want to ruin this for him, so I agreed. I must admit it was pretty fun to tell people. It is cool to see how excited everyone was for us. So many more prayers are now being said for our sweet baby, and I am thankful for that. Anyway, I feel like people believe my heart is healed now. That everything is perfect because we have a baby on the way. Something that is hard for people to understand is that my heart will never be healed. A huge part of my heart will always be gone because my first child is not here. He/She is missing from our lives and NOTHING will change that. It doesn't matter how many children we eventually have....I will always miss my sweet baby. I guess some people don't understand that this never goes away.
I also feel so much guilt. A couple of people have asked if this is our first...and I said yes. It really breaks my heart, but it's so much easier than explaining. Explaining is difficult for me emotionally, and I don't want to get emotional with some people. I hate that my mom and mother in law are each telling people they are expecting their second grandchild. It just isn't true. This is my mom's fourth (counting my loss & my brother's loss) and my mother in law's third. Maybe they don't see it that way, or maybe they just find it easier to not have to explain. I can't fault them for something that I do myself. Everything can just be so confusing.
Please don't think that I am ungrateful for this pregnancy. I am very grateful and I still find it very hard to believe. I just knew this was the one place I could share my feelings.
So, onto happier things. I am officially 15 weeks pregnant. I went to the doctor Tuesday, and everything is still going fine. On most days, I don't feel pregnant at all. This was my first visit without an ultrasound, but I was okay with that because I still got to hear my baby's heartbeat.
The heartbeat was strong with 166 bpm. We go back in 4 weeks and if our little one cooperates we will find out if it is a boy or a girl. I find that to be very exciting. I really thought it would be really fun and exciting to not find out, but my husband REALLY wants to know. So, I am giving in. He said that if there is a next time we can do it my way.
We have even started talking baby names, and I think we have it narrowed down, but I will wait to share those later!
Please keep the prayers coming that everything continues to go smoothly!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
2 Years...
Dear Baby Tyler,
If things had worked out for you, you would be 2 years old today. Mommy and Daddy still miss you so much. There will always be a piece of our lives that is missing and it's because you're gone. Even though you left this world so fast, you left very, very loved. I still think of you each and everyday sweet baby. Please watch over us.
Love you forever,
Mommy
If things had worked out for you, you would be 2 years old today. Mommy and Daddy still miss you so much. There will always be a piece of our lives that is missing and it's because you're gone. Even though you left this world so fast, you left very, very loved. I still think of you each and everyday sweet baby. Please watch over us.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
My First OB Visit
Yesterday I went to my first OB visit. I must confess...I didn't sleep well the night before. I was very anxious. I am just so terrified this will all disappear in the blink of an eye. I think I've been doing well with pushing scary thoughts out of my head. However, when a doctor's visit is looming, I completely freak out. I think it just reminds me that this is real. I think it reminds me that this could go away at any moment. I didn't say I was right for thinking those things, but I feel them anyway.
My visit went extremely well. Dr. P did an ultrasound to make sure we are progressing. It was amazing. My last ultrasound was at 7w0d and our baby just looked like a dot. This time at 11w1d our baby actually looked like a baby:) Our sweet baby had a strong and steady heartbeat, and was waving that little are at us. I can't remember the exact number of beats per minute because I was just so stinking relieved that our baby was okay. Although I am 11w1d, the baby was measuring 10w5d which is fine because I know I ovulated late. This doesn't concern me at all.
The staff at Dr. P's office was amazing. They really babied me and took good care of me. I was honest and told them I was anxious, and I they were very reassuring. They said that I have the right to feel anxious. It's all part of human nature.
Dr. P decided to keep me on progesterone for 2 more weeks just to be safe. I'm fine with that too!
So, I am so thankful that everything is okay. I had a very good night's sleep last night. I cried all the way to work this morning because I am just so happy and thankful.
God is so good! I am praying that everything continues to go well. Thank you to the few of you that follow this blog. I appreciate your support. For those of you still TTC, please don't give up. Great things are possible....this I know for sure!
My visit went extremely well. Dr. P did an ultrasound to make sure we are progressing. It was amazing. My last ultrasound was at 7w0d and our baby just looked like a dot. This time at 11w1d our baby actually looked like a baby:) Our sweet baby had a strong and steady heartbeat, and was waving that little are at us. I can't remember the exact number of beats per minute because I was just so stinking relieved that our baby was okay. Although I am 11w1d, the baby was measuring 10w5d which is fine because I know I ovulated late. This doesn't concern me at all.
The staff at Dr. P's office was amazing. They really babied me and took good care of me. I was honest and told them I was anxious, and I they were very reassuring. They said that I have the right to feel anxious. It's all part of human nature.
Dr. P decided to keep me on progesterone for 2 more weeks just to be safe. I'm fine with that too!
So, I am so thankful that everything is okay. I had a very good night's sleep last night. I cried all the way to work this morning because I am just so happy and thankful.
God is so good! I am praying that everything continues to go well. Thank you to the few of you that follow this blog. I appreciate your support. For those of you still TTC, please don't give up. Great things are possible....this I know for sure!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The Most Pregnant I've Ever Been....
Today I am 9w1d. I lost my last baby at 9w0d. It's official...I am the most pregnant I've ever been. I am so thankful. I was a bit nervous this weekend but I made it! This morning on the way to work I cried almost the whole way there because I am just so thankful. God is so good.
I am still not really having many symptoms that I am aware of. No morning sickness. However, my food preferences are ever changing. Many days, nothing sounds good. I am loving beef jerky and the hot tamales candy. I don't indulge to often, but I splurge every now and again.
I am also extremely exhausted! I've been working really hard to get my classroom ready for my brand new bunch of first graders. My summer break is officially over. I returned to school today for meetings and the students come tomorrow. I am excited to get started again! I can't wait to meet my new sweethearts!!
I have been thinking about buying a Doppler to hear my sweetie's heartbeat. Most things I've read have said they can't guarantee hearing the heartbeat until 12 weeks. Have any of you had success hearing it before then? I just wanted some suggestions. I am still uncertain if this is something I want to purchase for sure. It would provide me with some reassurance, but I also don't want it to make me even more paranoid than I already am. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
I am still not really having many symptoms that I am aware of. No morning sickness. However, my food preferences are ever changing. Many days, nothing sounds good. I am loving beef jerky and the hot tamales candy. I don't indulge to often, but I splurge every now and again.
I am also extremely exhausted! I've been working really hard to get my classroom ready for my brand new bunch of first graders. My summer break is officially over. I returned to school today for meetings and the students come tomorrow. I am excited to get started again! I can't wait to meet my new sweethearts!!
I have been thinking about buying a Doppler to hear my sweetie's heartbeat. Most things I've read have said they can't guarantee hearing the heartbeat until 12 weeks. Have any of you had success hearing it before then? I just wanted some suggestions. I am still uncertain if this is something I want to purchase for sure. It would provide me with some reassurance, but I also don't want it to make me even more paranoid than I already am. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Updates Again
Wow! I have so much to tell about what's been going on! On July 4, I decided to take a HPT because AF had still not arrived. Finally, after 2 and a half years we got our BFP. It still seems like a dream. I imagined that moment for so long that it still doesn't seem real now that it has finally happened.
I called my RE office and went in for blood work to check my beta levels and progesterone. Betas looked good but progesterone was a bit low, but they gave me medicine for that. Went back 2 days later for more blood work to make sure my betas were going up like they should, and they were! On Monday, we went for an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine, and it was. There was an itty bitty beanie in there and he/she had a heartbeat of 113. It was really surreal. I was also nervous about the ultrasound because I do not really have any symptoms. No morning sickness, etc. I know it sounds crazy, but I wish I did because it would make me feel better mentally. We were days away from our first ultrasound with our last pregnancy, but we never made it. This is a brand new experience for me. One that I am not taking for granted. I know how quickly this could all end. I am now released to my OB and I have my first appointment with him on Aug. 16.
I am very happy and excited, but the fear and the "what ifs" still creep up on me. Every little twinge of something makes me nervous. I am trying to give it to God. I know His plan for me is perfect. It is what it is...I am just trying to pray and have faith that we will be okay.
I am also thankful that I will still be off of work for most of the first trimester. I will actually work 3-4 weeks and then be in for the second trimester. I truly pray that we will make it this time. I am just so thankful for the chance.
Also, my hubby and I are leaving Sunday for our big vacation. We're heading to Las Vegas, and I am soooo excited.
So, for all of you prayerful people, please pray for a safe trip, a healthy pregnancy, a healthy delivery, and a healthy baby.
Our EDD is March 5, 2012.
I called my RE office and went in for blood work to check my beta levels and progesterone. Betas looked good but progesterone was a bit low, but they gave me medicine for that. Went back 2 days later for more blood work to make sure my betas were going up like they should, and they were! On Monday, we went for an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine, and it was. There was an itty bitty beanie in there and he/she had a heartbeat of 113. It was really surreal. I was also nervous about the ultrasound because I do not really have any symptoms. No morning sickness, etc. I know it sounds crazy, but I wish I did because it would make me feel better mentally. We were days away from our first ultrasound with our last pregnancy, but we never made it. This is a brand new experience for me. One that I am not taking for granted. I know how quickly this could all end. I am now released to my OB and I have my first appointment with him on Aug. 16.
I am very happy and excited, but the fear and the "what ifs" still creep up on me. Every little twinge of something makes me nervous. I am trying to give it to God. I know His plan for me is perfect. It is what it is...I am just trying to pray and have faith that we will be okay.
I am also thankful that I will still be off of work for most of the first trimester. I will actually work 3-4 weeks and then be in for the second trimester. I truly pray that we will make it this time. I am just so thankful for the chance.
Also, my hubby and I are leaving Sunday for our big vacation. We're heading to Las Vegas, and I am soooo excited.
So, for all of you prayerful people, please pray for a safe trip, a healthy pregnancy, a healthy delivery, and a healthy baby.
Our EDD is March 5, 2012.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Update on my TTC Journey
Let me begin this post by saying that I am still not pregnant. Should be no surprise...I am exactly in the same position that I've been in the last two and a half years.
I contacted my RE's office at the beginning of my new cycle, which was the beginning of June. The nurse said that I can move forward with treatment (ovulation meds) if I wanted to, but the doctor recommended 20 more pounds of weight loss to put me at the BMI that will offer a more optimal chance of pregnancy. Soooo, after some consideration, I have decided to wait. I don't want to spend the amount of money that I will have to spend without optimal chances of pregnancy. I know this is the smart thing to do. However, the impatient part of me that feels like I've waited FOREVER (actually just 2 and a half years) wants it NOW. I am trying to have faith, but I am feeling a little beat down.
I still feel the shame. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to become overweight. Part of me feels like it doesn't matter how hard I try I keep getting denied. I've lost 27 pounds, but it still isn't good enough. On the other hand, I understand why. I just pray that I find the strength and self control to drop more pounds. At least now I have a number of pounds to reach. I have a goal to work toward. I was never given a number before, which was probably for the best because telling me to lose 50 pounds would have felt unreachable for me. Now that I've dropped 27, I have the confidence to lose 20 more. I KNOW I can do it, but it's so darn hard.
I am not completely discouraged though. I can't explain it, but my prayer for peace has been answered. I am not nearly as upset or disappointed as I would have thought I'd been. I am so thankful for that. It's very much what I need.
Another tad bit of encouragement....the RE also wants me to do OPK tests. I agreed, but was skeptical because the only time I've ever gotten a positive OPK was when I was taking Clomid. I use the digital OPK because sometimes I have a difficult time telling if there are 2 lines or not on the other kind. That makes me feel like a complete idiot!! Anyway, on CD 20 I got my first ever happy face all by myself. This may have occurred previously, but I haven't tested in awhile because of my frustration with everything. I felt that I just needed a break. So, I am encouraged by the smiley face. Maybe the weight loss is beginning to help my body do what it's supposed to. I am hopeful of that anyway. My hubby was as excited about the smiley face as I was. He even was so bold as to say maybe this will be our month. I told him that was a great thought, but I couldn't really let myself get my hopes up about it. The disappointment just intensifies when I do that. He understood, gave me a hug and said that he will still love me either way. He's pretty awesome:)
Back to the weight loss...I am at a plateau. I can't seem to drop anything lately. I must confess my diet hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been awful either. I've increased my exercise time. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I do Active 2 workout on the Wii. Beleive me, this is not sissy stuff. I also use my couch to 5K ap on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I have made it to week 4. The rain prevented me for doing as many days as I needed to this week, and I don't currently own a treadmill. On Wednesday and Sunday I let my body rest.
If anyone can offer and advice, encouragement, or help with my weight struggle, please let me know. I would appreciate anything!
So, I still feel I am moving forward, even though it isn't as quickly as I wish it would be. I am down at the moment, but not out. I also have a lot going on in my life that is not fertility related, but I will save that for another post. I can't wait to share some of the other aspects of my life!
I contacted my RE's office at the beginning of my new cycle, which was the beginning of June. The nurse said that I can move forward with treatment (ovulation meds) if I wanted to, but the doctor recommended 20 more pounds of weight loss to put me at the BMI that will offer a more optimal chance of pregnancy. Soooo, after some consideration, I have decided to wait. I don't want to spend the amount of money that I will have to spend without optimal chances of pregnancy. I know this is the smart thing to do. However, the impatient part of me that feels like I've waited FOREVER (actually just 2 and a half years) wants it NOW. I am trying to have faith, but I am feeling a little beat down.
I still feel the shame. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to become overweight. Part of me feels like it doesn't matter how hard I try I keep getting denied. I've lost 27 pounds, but it still isn't good enough. On the other hand, I understand why. I just pray that I find the strength and self control to drop more pounds. At least now I have a number of pounds to reach. I have a goal to work toward. I was never given a number before, which was probably for the best because telling me to lose 50 pounds would have felt unreachable for me. Now that I've dropped 27, I have the confidence to lose 20 more. I KNOW I can do it, but it's so darn hard.
I am not completely discouraged though. I can't explain it, but my prayer for peace has been answered. I am not nearly as upset or disappointed as I would have thought I'd been. I am so thankful for that. It's very much what I need.
Another tad bit of encouragement....the RE also wants me to do OPK tests. I agreed, but was skeptical because the only time I've ever gotten a positive OPK was when I was taking Clomid. I use the digital OPK because sometimes I have a difficult time telling if there are 2 lines or not on the other kind. That makes me feel like a complete idiot!! Anyway, on CD 20 I got my first ever happy face all by myself. This may have occurred previously, but I haven't tested in awhile because of my frustration with everything. I felt that I just needed a break. So, I am encouraged by the smiley face. Maybe the weight loss is beginning to help my body do what it's supposed to. I am hopeful of that anyway. My hubby was as excited about the smiley face as I was. He even was so bold as to say maybe this will be our month. I told him that was a great thought, but I couldn't really let myself get my hopes up about it. The disappointment just intensifies when I do that. He understood, gave me a hug and said that he will still love me either way. He's pretty awesome:)
Back to the weight loss...I am at a plateau. I can't seem to drop anything lately. I must confess my diet hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been awful either. I've increased my exercise time. On Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I do Active 2 workout on the Wii. Beleive me, this is not sissy stuff. I also use my couch to 5K ap on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I have made it to week 4. The rain prevented me for doing as many days as I needed to this week, and I don't currently own a treadmill. On Wednesday and Sunday I let my body rest.
If anyone can offer and advice, encouragement, or help with my weight struggle, please let me know. I would appreciate anything!
So, I still feel I am moving forward, even though it isn't as quickly as I wish it would be. I am down at the moment, but not out. I also have a lot going on in my life that is not fertility related, but I will save that for another post. I can't wait to share some of the other aspects of my life!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Mothers Day and Other Updates
I am very pleased to inform you all that I survived my cousin's wedding and Mother's Day. Neither were as difficult as I thought they would be. Praise God!
The wedding was fine and I actually had a good time. I got to catch up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in quite awhile. The only thing missing was my hubby:)
I did skip church on Mother's Day. I just couldn't do it. It was too painful. I slept out of town the night of the wedding, and my husband had a couple of surprises for me when I got home. The entire house was clean from top to bottom. He had some roses for me in a vase on our kitchen table. He had a card from our animals (including paw stickers). I also had a gift certificate for a massage at a local spa. I was so touched. It turned out to be a peaceful Mother's Day. The only thing missing was our baby. My husband did such a good job of taking a day that I was dreading and turning it into something completely different. I really do love him so very much.
On a different note, please keep the people of South Louisiana in your prayers as there will be flooding this week. The town my mom and dad live in is in danger of high water. We spent the day getting things straight at her house. Sandbagging is exhausting!! I am worried about all of these people and animals.
Thanks!!
The wedding was fine and I actually had a good time. I got to catch up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in quite awhile. The only thing missing was my hubby:)
I did skip church on Mother's Day. I just couldn't do it. It was too painful. I slept out of town the night of the wedding, and my husband had a couple of surprises for me when I got home. The entire house was clean from top to bottom. He had some roses for me in a vase on our kitchen table. He had a card from our animals (including paw stickers). I also had a gift certificate for a massage at a local spa. I was so touched. It turned out to be a peaceful Mother's Day. The only thing missing was our baby. My husband did such a good job of taking a day that I was dreading and turning it into something completely different. I really do love him so very much.
On a different note, please keep the people of South Louisiana in your prayers as there will be flooding this week. The town my mom and dad live in is in danger of high water. We spent the day getting things straight at her house. Sandbagging is exhausting!! I am worried about all of these people and animals.
Thanks!!
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